A 2014 World Cup Anniversary: Three Bites and You’re Out, part III

I’ve never been a serious World Cup soccer fan, but in 2014 I was intrigued by the behavior of one of the world’s best players. In a sport where you can pass the ball with your head but not your hands, Luis Saurez went next level dental. “Three Bites and you’re Out” came back slightly altered in 2018…and here we are for another quadrennial visit in 2022.

So, I was watching the Food Channel the other day and suddenly a soccer match broke out.

Uruguay’s Luis Suarez was caught chomping on an opposing player right in front of millions of viewers world-wide. And if it’s a third offense, does that make you a serial snacker or just another soccer player craving an appetizer before some Brazilian BBQ when spending some time in Rio for the World Cup?

And Luis might have brought shame to his homeland, but you’d never know it. Even after hearing Suarez’ apology a few days later (I guess he had to digest the offense), Uruguay’s president, Jose Mujica, called out governing soccer body FIFA as a “bunch of sons of whores”; he called the 4-month suspension “fascist.”

The latest incisive attack on the pitch marked Suarez’ third lifetime oral assault. But you can’t call Suarez a three-time loser since his squad went on to defeat snake-bitten Italy, even gaining momentum in the match following the attack on wounded defender Giorgio Chiellini.

Suarez has been described as a hungry player (but hopefully, not a rabid one) and there’s no denying that. I’ve watched the video ten times or so and each time Suarez runs straight down the pitch and without A.1. Sauce, Tabasco, or even a pinch of aioli, sinks his saber tooth canines into poor ole Chiellini’s shoulder.

As the video continues, Suarez is rolling on the ground holding his upper anterior teeth. And I guess maybe I really did want to believe that Suarez was blaming the whole incident on an unmanageable psychotic dentition, acting out independently with some sociopathic, rogue behavior resulting from a traumatic mixed dentition experience, ironically leaving cuspids and incisors with a chip on their shoulder.

But no, I guess when you run down an Italian and bite him on the shoulder right out in public, the least you can expect is an elbow to the chops…with ultimate revenge to come later (Okay, so I’m half-Sicilian.)

And being new to this sport (I logged in an hour of USA vs. Portugal); I’m almost overcome by all its nuances. Shucks, Cameroon is in the Top 32 with a population about the same as Florida and how many Floridians does it take to find Cameroon on a map anyway? And another thing; who knows when “stoppage time” is gonna stop? And what about a final score of “nil-nil?” Around here “nil” means name, image, and likeness (and getting paid to play to play American college football.) And what about all those crazy floppers? In one hour, I saw more flops than Vlade Divacs inside the paint wearing roller blades!

These guys are so passionate that even after being carried off the pitch in a stretcher, they come bounding back after a blast or two of ethyl chloride or FDA unapproved Windex. One guy for the USA ran more than 23-miles in three games (and I wonder what his scoring to turnover ratio was?) The rare goals trigger celebrations not unlike Republicans reacting to Supreme Court decisions that would’ve had former VP Dick Cheney smiling wider than a Big Mac.

But maybe that passion leads to some regrettable behavior. Or maybe when a guy needs a bite, a guy needs a bite…or three.

Guess I’ll cancel that trip to Uruguay; heard it’s beautiful down there. But I’m a little concerned about visiting a land where men are men and man bites dog…when friends, family, and soccer players aren’t available.