Andy Rooney Returns (Just in Time)

So, the last time I wished Andy Rooney was still alive and available for a virtual interview, the year was 2012. Curiously, Clint Eastwood was interviewing an empty chair up on stage in front of a bunch enthusiastic elderly white folks (and research shows at least half of ‘em were probably missing at least 50% of their teeth.) Today, that seems so “good ole days.”

Andy would have been 100-years old last month. And with the legendary curmudgeon unavailable, I went with a stated opinion from former President, George W. Bush. And even though Bush did invade the wrong sovereign nation, thought Malaria was a country, and almost helped the U.S. economy go el Busto; these days I’m guilty I didn’t show the ole artist a little more love. President Bush has reflected “(He) hoped the ship (current state of the republic) would right itself” but indicated “he might not live to see the day.” And it’s too bad; President Bush never seemed to be part of a crime syndicate, we weren’t prone to tracking his lies like Lebron’s points, assists and rebounds…and he never dated Putin.

But I think if anything could entice Andy Rooney back from the dead at 100-years, it would have to be the current impeachment inquiry.

I’ve been a Rooney fan forever; always enjoyed his youthful curiosity, unique view of things, and his total distaste for solid gold BS. Today, I could see Andy wondering about stuff like doorknobs and if they were smarter than the minority leader of the House Intelligence Committee; the attraction of men with little hands for short murderous aging despots who prefer riding shirtless on horseback. If only Andy was here today to comment on a beer swilling middle-aged punk being given a lifetime spot on the Supreme Court or the leader of the Free World (who’s gone bankrupt multiple times) not having to share income tax returns during his presidential job interview. He might even ask the Prez about the last book he’d read, or his Third-Grade report card, or where he kept his college degree. Bet Andy would ask Trump to spell “subpoena.”

Well, as usual, Andy and I met right across the street at El Pollo Loco. And the opinions expressed here do not reflect those held by Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, NRA members, or even people who believe Devin Nunes has a high school diploma.

Do you believe in miracles???

“Andy! Welcome back! Even if it’s just for a Black Bean Pollo Bowl combo ghosts probably can’t digest anyway. You look marvelous!

Yeah, Von Bulow, are you gonna ask me some questions or what?

Okay, I’ll be direct, what do you think about Donald Trump?

Doc, if hatred, ignorance, bigotry, and total lack of class could fly; Trump would be a 300-pound orange butterfly.”

And what about Trump’s Republican party, as displayed during the Impeachment Inquiry?

Young Jack, these guys are an insult to Duck Dynasty fans, hernias, and creepy clowns everywhere. If they’re patriots or have even the slightest respect for themselves or the Republic, Lindsey Graham was a Navy SEAL.

Uh, Andy, I’ve had a hernia repair.

Sorry VB, but these guys really get me going; if I was still alive, watching the inquiry would probably kill me…or worse, I'd re-appear at a Kid Rock concert. It’s just that Trump and his gang of five: Pence, Pompeo, Mulvaney, Bolton, and Giuliani are whiners and obstruct the law just like a well-placed hernia; it’s like BS is in their DNA (In this case, D could stand for Denial, N for Nationalist, and A for…you figure it out Von Bulow.) Back in The Day, Mike Wallace would’ve taken them all out back and kicked their behinds…and decent Republicans like Senators Howard Baker and Barry Goldwater would’ve joined him.

Andy, so why is there such indifference? Where’s the outrage? Is our populace just not bright enough to support a democracy? Is there some weird yearning that we become a banana republic?

Dr. V, aren’t you still the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS-type in the San Gabriel valley?

Yeah Andy, but what about my question?

Dr. V, the GOP isn’t what it used to be. Today, they’d probably run Eisenhower and Lincoln out on a rail. For the last three decades, they’ve been operating out of the dark dank shadows of all things negative. They’ve chosen to ignore science, the environment, and any meaningful healthcare solution; they’ve ditched allies and gone horseback with Putin. Racism has been the appropriate “Elephant” in the room; Trump wouldn’t even denounce the Klu Klux Klan; if you’re Brown and escaping death and destruction in search of asylum, your kid could be separated and wind up in a cage. They’ve preyed on human insecurities and targeted immigrant and minority scapegoats for blame. Trump is an excellent BS salesman and he’s closing the deal by being the best listener in the room the GOP should be embarrassed to have built. And now extortion is being added to a Constitution, defiled by partisans who won’t respond to Congressional subpoenas while they see the First Amendment and freedom of the press as inconvenient concepts.

Andy, do you think it’s sad blatant bigotry still exists and seems to speak to a significant part of the electorate willing to overlook the rule of law?

JVB, it’s indeed sad. But watching the inquiry from above; it’s inspiring to see State diplomats courageously, calmly, and professionally share the truth and support doing the right thing. No wonder Trump was willing to commit an impeachable offence while former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch testified during Trump’s own impeachment inquiry. That’s sort of like stealing the judge’s watch while being tried for larceny.

Thanks for sharing Andy; and you know, even as a 100-year old ghost, your hair still looks way better than Trump’s

Bite me molar jockey.”