Cruisin’ Cool (from 2005)

So, I’d never been on a cruise before (haven’t been on one since.) And I might’ve been wrong; doesn’t happen that often, according to my personal calculations. But when the adventure just got started, I knew I was gonna be somewhat cruise-challenged. Today, I had some time to look back.

Even on weekends I have lists of stuff I know I have to do. Seems like all that’s required on the cruise is finding a way to remain hydrated. And I do get to carry on like a kid again 5-6 times a year, but after tailgating for a few hours we get to walk over to the Coliseum and see the Mighty Trojans beat up on some hapless opponent du jour and just sit back in the second half and see Traveler do a few more wind sprints while we socialize in the sun.

But the cruise looks like three solid all-day tailgates in a row. And it’s a long dog paddle back to E. Las Tunas Dr.

Yeah, the whole team and a few family members have embarked on a 3-day trip to celebrate hitting some awesome goals. And I love ‘em all but I’ve never had to go overboard just for a little reflection and recovery time. The major obstacle confronting me seems to be the cruise culture. The operative word is “Cool.” And for me, being cool is like exploring a new Rod Serling dimension. Hey! I’m a freakin’ dentist.

As our little band of cruisers boarded the S.S. Paradise, reality and a memory occurred. Ever been the old guy in the club; up until last night, me neither? But most of my co-workers have never even heard of Eddie Haskell and the Beaver. My team has always been considerate and respectful. And it was probably just some universal Law of Cruising going on. But as others transformed (even an underwriter and an insurance guy), I waited for the magic; it never happened. I was stuck in the Uncool Zone.

There were others. I saw another DDS-type disguised as two of the Village People, as if that would make him cool. Talk about a slow study; probably went to UCLA?

And yeah, that would’ve been me you saw hangin’ out last night at the Disco with a collection of employees focused on their watches and making eye contact only when they were wondering if I was tired yet. A few weeks earlier, Dental Assistant Extraordinaire Dani presented me with an autographed Michael Bolton photo; supposedly MB was going to take the stage on the cruise. And even though it would’ve warmed my heart to Bolton busted down to a Carnival Cruise screech session, that turn of events might’ve sent me over the edge (and I don’t swim that well.) And just so you know, I did exit the scene with an eyeroll when I saw Dani’s outclassed dance partner. Really?

As I’m writing this piece, I’m up on the sun deck enjoying some quiet time. Turns out, I’m now surrounded by women in bikinis looking for some harmless geeky guy to take their photos and apply sunscreen. And maybe I could get to used to this cruising stuff if I just gave it a chance.

What’s really puzzling for me about the Law of Cruising is its roots. Does the Cool thing come from genetics or the environment? Can Cool be learned? You probably have to really want it but trying that hard isn’t cool. Or maybe it’s just some random thing taken to heart by peeps who thought the Fonz was a real person.

My parents never cruised, and I thought they were cool (really) even when I was 15. And during high school, I never even cruised by land…down Valley Blvd. I had my chances and just didn’t get the job done.

And do you really want to see your dentist being all slick and suave at a club. Just take a few seconds and savor that visual. Ugh.

I think the key to my lack of Cool is I chose dentistry when I was in the Tenth Grade. I think the transition from Celtics point guard to the next Michelangelo to dentist was just a little too much. Some folks grow out of teenage transition trauma, I grew into it. I guess Cool is as Cool does and here I’m disappointed I didn’t bring my laptop on the cruise.

Only another day to go and I’ll be back on land and pretending to be cooler for the experience (even though I’m not.)

But I have to run! Only 5-minutes before the first round of the Paradise slot machine tournament and I don’t want ‘em to start without me.

Oh, and by the way, there’s more to life than being cool; stuff like working and cruisin’ with people you love.