I Can't Imagine

This exercise stuff is tough. Especially when I’m dealing with chronic pain and almost everything I do makes me hurt worse.

On Friday, I was at Parkpoint with Krista Williams, my trainer, who is being very patient with me, as well as proactive in modifying exercises. She engages with me to ferret out the stumbling blocks.

After an unsuccessful first week, she changed my regimen to exercises that don’t exacerbate the pain as intensely. Interestingly enough the changes mean I am working harder but with less pain. This is good.

“I feel like Popeye before he eats his spinach. You know, where his biceps muscle tips over when he ‘makes a muscle?’” I said to Krista.

She laughed.

Where the heck is my spinach?

On Friday, after the “dry” session that lasted nearly an hour—and, no, I wasn’t exercising the whole time—I started water-walking. I wanted to put in 30 minutes but I was feeling anxious and tearful.

As I struggled to find a way to walk while suspended by my flotation belt, I thought to myself, “I can’t imagine.”

And it hit me. If I cannot imagine, then I cannot begin to make the changes I need to make. I’ve found an important link to achieving my goals. I must imagine—imagine being well, imagine being capable of working out, imagine being pain-free, imagine reaching my goals. 

This isn’t just about visualization, though I do find it helpful. Rather, it’s about understanding that wellness comes from both the mind and the body.

From that mental flash, the workout became easier, the tears and anxiety disappeared, and I walked my way through the next 40 minutes.

Now, I’m taking time daily to imagine the outcomes I want to achieve. I think in terms of where I plan to be, and hold that image of myself in mind.

Today, I was again resistant to going to the club—I’ve got to watch the negative self-talk—and I had to force myself to get dressed to go. But once I was there and started walking, I held my visualizations and pretty soon, I was walking on air instead of in water. The smile was back on my face.

And, by the way, I water-walked for 55 minutes.

Works for me.

(**Author’s note: After years of ill health, and coexisting with several chronic conditions, I make the conscious decision to ferociously live wellness to my fullest extent. This is my journey. I know I cannot change at least one of my physical conditions but I choose live more consciously and in better health than I have for the past 18 years, since a degenerative spinal condition rendered me “disabled.”

I have a team to help me to this end. Krista Williams, a dear friend, and a senior in the kinesiology program at Sonoma State University, who has chosen me as her semester project case study and who will help guide me through an individualized physical rehabilitation program. Vilma, my literary friend, led me to a homeopath M.D. who is helping me take a whole-body approach to health and wellness. I have two additional physicians, who while more conventional than alternative in approach, have shown compassionate interest in my complexities and who believe that I can regain my health.

This blog promises to be an honest portrayal of my journey to wellness—the parts that are difficult as well as the parts that are easy. I hope that my experiences may serve to support and inspire others with chronic conditions as they journey toward optimum health.

Disclaimer: Any healing modalities I may try are individualized for me and created in conjunction with the advice of my physicians. Nothing I write should be construed as medical advice. Please seek proper medical attention for any condition(s) you may have.)