TRANSFORMERS: The Last Knight

Landing in theatres once again tomorrow from needing-to-be-stopped director Michael Bay and Paramount Pictures is the next loud landing of TRANSFORMERS: The Last Knight.

Well, Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) is still floating about somewhere in space while Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) is rescuing Transformers where he finds them. While roaming about he comes across an ancient Transformer who entrusts him with a medallion. It comes alive and won’t let go of Yeager.

It is a relic from the time of King Arthur (Liam Garrigan) and Merlin (Stanley Tucci). The Autobots were part of the round table helping the humans as they were needed. The medallion needs to seek out a knight that will help find the staff of immense power keeping it out of the hands of evil.

While trying to save the Transformer he meets Izabella (Isabela Moner), a young girl without a family who has a knack for fixing Autobots. They all end up back at Yeager’s home station where Jimmy (Jerrod Carmichael), Bumblebee (Erik Aadahl), Drift (Ken Watanabe), Hound (John Goodman) and Daytrader (Steve Buscemi) hide from the government agency TRF.

When they are discovered, Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins) sends his ‘butler’ Cogman (Jim Carter) to take Yeager to England. Along with Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock), Burton explains the history of the medallion Yeager has and how Vivian is the only one that can handle the staff of power.

Which is more important now that a nasty wench named Quintessa (Gemma Chan) wants to return Cybertron to its former glory – but not in a good way. When Optimus Prime arrives to discover things are chaotic, he becomes part of Quintessa and Megatron’s (Frank Welker) plan to retrieve the staff and take over Earth. Yeager, Burton, Wembley, Cogman and Col. Lennox (Josh Duhmel) push themselves to save the planet once again.

Because the Decepticons aren’t going to get it without a fight!

Wahlberg as Yeager is once again running around without a story. His relationship with Bumblebee is an awesome one and there are humorous moments with the other Autobots. The thing is I don’t really care about this character because it’s the same metal clanging… different day but not really. There are quipps back and forth with Hopkins, Cogman and Vivian that are chuckle worthy but not enough to sustain the story.

Hopkins as Burton is a curious character and I do love me some Anthony Hopkins but really? Your giving one of our greatest actors a story to tell that involves King Arthur and the Autobots? I think I laughed more at that garbage because it was only a few weeks ago that I sat in the same theatre watching Guy Richie’s version of KING ARTHUR.

Duhamel as Lennox is a character that is all muddled from beginning to end. I wasn’t sure what side he was on but then again does it really matter? He shows up guns blazing hoping it all works out for the best. Moner as Izabella is, and I’m going to get crap for saying this but a totally unnecessary character. Really? Your going to throw this kid into a war zone and she gets out without a scratch? Suspension of disbelief…poof…gone.

Haddock as Wembley is clearly a Megan Fox look alike and that’s sad because it isn’t that her role is bad, just whatever. Cool to be related to a historic figure but I didn’t buy it for a second which means, yep, don’t care about her character in the slightest.

Carter as Cogman is hilarious and his recognizable “yes my lord” brings back the heady days of Downton Abbey Sundays and good television over crappy film. His language was a little testy but I don’t think its going to stop parents from bringing their kids.

The recognizable voices of Goodman, Buscemi and Watanabe are funny, especially since they argue and wrestle around like metal-brothers-from-another-Autobot. Bumblebee still wins hands down and the storyline brings in some weird ‘he once was a soldier for England’ story which just falls flat. Not your fault B!

Other cast includes Santiago Cabrera as Santos, Martin McCreadie as Lancelot, Rob Witcomb as Percival, Marcus Fraser as Gawain, John Hollingworth as Tristan with Stanley Tucci as a drunken Merlin and John Turturro as Agent Simmons.

TRANSFORMERS: The Last Knight is a two and a half hour metal clanging story that gives Bay a reason to waste $217 million dollars. That’s right folks, enough to save a small town or education thousands of kids is vying for your dollars. Of course if it doesn’t do well here there is always the overseas market waiting to gobble this up.

Look, I’m tired…tired of a story that lasts into five films that tells the same story beginning and ending with Optimus Prime boring monologue about how the Autobots are there to save the human race. Didn’t Wonder Woman just do that? Or Batman, Superman, the Justice League, Thor, or any of those others?

It was easy to entertain myself with thoughts like ‘doesn’t that robot look like Darth Vader’s fighter?’ and ‘Wow! They used pieces off the alien ship from THE ABYSS for decoration’ and ‘They stole an Imperial Walker – I wonder if Grand Tarkin knows?’ and ‘Is Robocop going to show up?’ and ‘Stonehenge? Oh the Queen isn’t going to like this’.

I swear if I listen to Optimus go into his schpeel I’m going to strain my eyes from the constant rolling and the hand gestures of ‘blah! blah! BLAH!’ Honestly I lost interest once Shia decides to exit stage right although the film does touch on the Witwicky family tree. He brought comedy of a different kind that broke the monotony of the metal banging.

Seriously, I miss the cool rantings of Mom and Dad…and I miss Mojo the dog! Oh well, I can always not wait for Transformers 6, trust me, someone will give Bay the money to do it.

In the end – they have been here forever…and ever…and ever…(yawn)…and ever!