Rent-a-Husband

Here’s my new business idea: Rent-a-Husband. I think it has potential.

'Cause, you know, sometimes your husband isn’t everything you need him to be

—and if he is, seriously, shut up.

(We’re not talking about our imperfections today boys, so hush. This essay is dedicated strictly to you. And face it, you know you’re not all that, what with the willy-nilly farting and the way you leave dishes for us so kindly to the side of the sink—what is that? Not that I'm nagging. Not me. Nope.)

Moving on.

So, I’m sick. Really sick (pneumonia). I honestly don’t get ill all that often, though lately it’s been a train ride to strep throat hell. Add to that two kids with sinus infections, a major deadline, and a grumpy husband with a huge project who’s to busy to help out practically at all. It’s not that he’s trying to be deliberately clueless. He just kinda, ya know, is.

I need to call in reinforcements.

With no family close by, my only option is a sitter. (Note: friends avoid you like the plague you are when you and your kids are sick. Again. While you may have friends willing to don a gas mask and enter your Hot Zone, I don’t. But I’m thrilled for you.)

I love my two sitters. One is a young mom who is a 'Sparkle of Love In the Sky.' And I don’t ever utter that kind of trite stuff. But she totally is. She has an amazing amount of patience, cleans, does laundry, adores my kids, and will do anything for us. But she’s also incredibly busy (as you can imagine) and isn’t available very often. The other is a friend’s daughter, also a gem. Super sweet, helpful, smart, patient. And of course, rarely available.

The thing is, I don’t want to get these gals sick. I’d feel horrible.

Then it came to me in a flash of exclamation marked light: Rent-a-Husband! Guys are strong, manly, not too smelly for the most part.

So let them man up!

Random thought: this can be a particularly useful service for the betrothed young man. I'd call this The Husband Apprentice package: A dose of reality for the uninitiated. (Each of us gals will have to receive special training in 'You can't handle the cold!' drills.)

Let’s make a few things very clear up front:

• I don’t want to have sex with him; I just want him to make my tea and toast.

• He’ll have to go grocery shopping (dear God, without calling me 22 times), and for an added bonus of $5, put it all away. A girl can dream.

• While he’s out, maybe he can get gas and run the car through the car wash? And remove all the detritus, receipts, and other junk that would make the car recognizable once more? Oh, and don't forget the windshield-washer fluid. That’d be great, thanks.

• Handyman skills a plus. I’d even pay extra if he changed my light bulbs (and no that’s not a euphemism for sex).

• Cooking skills required. #der

• Laundry would be the ultimate dream. Watching him fold it might cause me too much excitement though, and I’d have to go lie down.

I think just one day of rental would do me and I’d be ship-shape. One single gal on Twitter mentioned she could use a rental for killing scary critters and moving heavy objects. I could always add that to the 'Menu Options' for a nominal fee. Those are nice benefits, I must admit. 

I'm probably not the only person to have come up with this idea. For me, I just really want it when I'm sick. Like today.

Oh, washboard abs might be good, too (Shush. It's my fantasy.). Though that would definitely cost extra. Not sure about a Rent-To-Own option. Maybe for the single gals, but that's entering Lifetime TV programming right there. So, no.

I gotta go. I need to go work on my pricing structure…

Comments welcome.

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