Talking to Our Children about Sexual Abuse

In light of the current disturbing news involving allegations of people in our community sexually abusing children, I would like to share the following information about talking to children about this kind of mistreatment and also to give some guidance to parents.  How do we teach children to be wary of people they know?  How can we talk to our children about such darkness? And yet we must, for if we do not teach our children about the dangers of living we do not protect them.  What we must teach them is that they are valuable, and must expect to be treated with respect.  Hopefully, if we teach a child that his or her body is sacred and must not be abused in any way, that child will do all he or she can to stay safe. 

Once we establish that no subject is taboo, if something bad does happen to our children there is a better chance of learning about it early on.  Children who don't tell their parents about sexual assaults are often those who fear their parents' reactions.  They won't tell if think they won't be believed.  They won't tell if they think their parents will somehow blame them.  They may not tell if they know the attacker and feel like they should protect him or her, and often they have been warned sternly not to tell at any cost.   

Children need to be protected by the adults they love.  If we become suspicious about a friend, neighbor or family member being inappropriate sexually it is most important to look more closely and determine if there is a danger.  Denial is the greatest enemy in the perpetuation of sexual abuse.  The whole idea of a family member being sexual with a child is so abhorrent that it can shut us down.  In order to be protective of our children we must be willing to open our eyes to the most horrible of possibilities.  If you have experienced inappropriate behavior yourself at the hands of a family member it is very important that your child not be left alone with that person. If you sense something sexual or inappropriate being directed at your child do not deny your gut feeling.  If your child comes to you with complaints about anyone, pay close attention.  Ask questions.  Don't let your fear keep your from doing whatever is necessary to protect your child.  This is not an attempt to make parents paranoid but to err in the direction of safety if that is the choice.  If you have succumbed to sexual behavior with a child, your own or someone else's, it is time to take responsibility for the damage which that inevitable wreaks and get help.

Also, children who have been sexualized may act out on other children.  Be aware of undue sexual play, and by this I don't mean the usual child's game of doctor or "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."  Generally speaking, if you witness sexual behavior that goes beyond what children should know or is intrusive then it is time to investigate.

Some danger signs to watch out for which might be indicators of sexual abuse are: 

If the child suddenly begins behaving differently, showing greater fear, especially about a particular person or going somewhere specific.

Acting out sexual behavior in play alone or with others.

Not wanting to be touched 

Displaying sexual knowledge that seems inappropriate for the age of the child.  

Physical evidence such as irritation in genital an anal areas that cannot be explained.

Sudden heightened anxiety and nightmares.

Sudden change in school performance or social activities.  (this is an indicator of depression in children)

Many of these symptoms can indicate problems other than sexual abuse, but in order to ascertain what has happened to disturb the child, further exploration is necessary.  Quiet talk in a private setting where the child is assured that anything can be shared and no blame will be placed is a good beginning.  Asking a child, "Has anyone hurt or upset you?"  Talking about secrets - that there are good secrets and bad secrets and suggesting that if the child has been forced to keep a bad secret it should be released because this is not safe for the child. 

If the child does in fact reveal that he or she has been molested or abused it is important to respond immediately and with great care.  The child is in a very vulnerable position and is in that moment feeling the pain and shame of what was done to him or her as well as the embarrassment and fear of revealing it.  Let the child know that you are grateful for the information and that you will make sure that the child is protected and will not be exposed to the perpetrator again.  It is very common for children to feel they are to blame somehow.  If the abuse was repeated, there can be greater guilt at having allowed it for so long.  Even young children have sexual responses in their bodies, and the confusion this can create can be devastating. And many times pain is the physical response of young bodies not prepared for sexual acts.  But if a child is being threatened, as they often are in these cases, physical pain must be endured in silence. 

If you are a parent hearing for the first time that someone has violated your child, your response can be devastation, rage, denial, or you may just go numb from emotional overload.  It is not unusual for parents to deny the abuse because they cannot bear the idea.  Any of the above reactions can create despair in the child and even encourage him or her to recant the story.  Our children are so careful to protect and please us, that they sometimes alter their experiences to spare us.  Though it is difficult, it is better to try and stay calm and focused during the questioning.  Do not say things like "are you making this up?" or "he would never have done that to you", or "you are lying."  Children can also embellish if they think they are giving their parents what is being sought.  This is why so many of the daycare abuse cases years ago were thrown out of court several years back.  The therapist used leading questions, like "and then he touched you there, didn't he?".  Confused children may begin to fantasize about details when questioned that way.  It is best to simply ask the child to tell as much as he or she can so that you can take care of the problem and be protective.  When you are away from the child you will have to get the support and care you need to deal with the turmoil in your own mind.

The child will need assessment for physical and psychological damage.  Often children will more willingly act out the details of their trauma with someone not related to themselves.  Also, child therapists have the tools to elicit responses through play that help children begin to work through the trauma by reenacting and by the expression of anger and hurt.  This helps the child begin to separate the fear and pain of what was done to them from generalized fears about the world and bad feelings about themselves. Your pediatrician should be advised of the situation so that the examination is handled delicately.

Families are most often involved in treatment as well, especially if the abuse came from within. This may be mandated by courts or suggested by the therapist.  When sexual abuse is introduced into the lives of a family it can tear it apart.  Marriages can collapse, extended families can be suddenly unsafe, teachers or friends may suddenly be looked upon as criminals.  Every person who has direct ties to the victimized child will be affected.  Parents often feel like they are responsible since they did not prevent the abuse. Therapy may be helpful in allowing the parent to express these feelings and also the inevitable shifts in attitude toward the world as a safe or dangerous place. Education about establishing better boundaries in offending families can begin the process of healthier relating.  Often the reaction to dealing with the molestation of one's child involves a grieving process for the innocence that was lost forever in the child.  Support and education in prevention can prove to be a lifeline during this tumultuous time.

Police and child protective services must be contacted as soon as possible. Most cities have child abuse hotlines that can be of immediate assistance with questions and reporting. If your child was molested by someone, other children are at risk.  It is through the pursuit of justice that some kind of resolution can be attained and a sense of safety can return to the child. Talking about sexual abuse is always a struggle.

Do not grill your child with too many questions at one time.  Try to monitor your own responses and tone so that the subject does not feel overly threatening.  Begin the conversation by gently explaining the difference between good touch and bad touch. 

Explain that our bodies are our very personal places which should always be handled with respect and care.  Let the child know that he or she should trust when touch feels right and when it feels uncomfortable or strange. 

Tell the child that it is important to say when being touched feels bad, even though that may seem like a strange thing to do in the moment.  This may be the child's first experience of being told it is preferable to say no to an adult.  This will be new information and will need to be explained. 

It is a wonderful opportunity to let your child know how important he or she is, how valued.  It is also a time to educate about the risks we must all grow to recognize as we become aware of a world that is not always safe.  It may feel like the loss of innocence as we explain these risks, but if handled with care, it will protect our children from a more traumatic exposure to that loss.