Be Your Own Therapist? You Betcha

Something is wrong.  You haven't been feeling well emotionally or relationally.  You are stuck and would like to get unstuck but on first look, you're not clear what the problem is.  If seeing a therapist isn't your thing (for whatever reason), try being your own therapist.

For some people, honest reflection about a few things can be really helpful or at least point you in the right direction.  For others in significant distress, this will not enough.  

Ask yourself the following:

“Are there any historical monkeys on my back?” 

Painful experiences, particularly involving the ways you were raised and your early years can stick around in ways you might not have ever considered.  ”Monkeys” might be the quality of the relationships with your parents (lack of security, neglect, criticism, abuse, emotional abandonment, high expectations…), traumatic events involving your physical or emotional safety, rejection by peers or other experiences leaving you feeling vulnerable.  

“What are my coping mechanisms?”  

We are all really good at finding ways to deal with difficult situations – and often we don’t even know it.  Even young children struggling to get their needs met find the most creative ways to continue to try.  For example, a little girl lacking attention from her mother might learn that excelling in school and sports is a way to get her notice…but this little girl might become a woman who drives herself into the ground with perfectionism.  A teenage boy who experienced rejection by his mother and early female relationships might learn to defend himself by going inside…by “not needing” or becoming a self-sufficient island.  What a great strategy to avoid pain! But as an adult, island behavior becomes challenging in intimate relationships when the other can’t reach you or feels alone when with you.

“Do I feel connected to and supported by others?”   

We need each other.  People need each other.  We were born wired to connect and despite the things that can go wrong, leading us to think we don’t need each other…but it is a fallacy. You only need one solid connection to get the benefit of love and being “held” by another.  At any age, validation, empathy and attunement is a powerful elixir.

Engage in “connection therapy.”  Reach out to those you know or make an effort to create new relationships.  This is only possible if you make yourself available.  Don’t hide.

It can be empowering to challenge yourself to go deeper on some of the above questions.  Being a therapist to yourself can indeed be therapeutic and requires honesty and guts.  But self-reflection as I’ve suggested will not always be enough.   If you find yourself stuck or unable to find resolution on your own, seek help.