Arts & Entertainment
Antibiotics Sales Used in U.S. Farm Animals Rose Last Year
A satirical look at current events!
Antibiotics Sales Used in U.S. Farm Animals Rose Last Year: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration reports that sales and distribution of antibiotics for use in farm animals significantly increased last year. Oh, just perfect! As if the lines at CVS, Walgreens and Rite-Aid weren’t long enough, now we’re gonna have to wait behind a bunch of farm animals trying to get their prescriptions filled also.
World’s First Solar Road Opens in France: The Normandy village of Tourouvre-au-Perche is home to the world’s first road paved with solar panels, which will produce enough electricity to power the town’s streetlights. So next time some wiseass asks you “so why’d the chicken cross the road,” you can tell them “it didn’t - it got electrocuted.”
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Weight Watchers Stock Soaring After Oprah Weight Loss Claims: Weight Watchers stock is going through the roof after major Weight Watchers investor Oprah Winfrey claims to have lost 40 pounds on the system in a new ad. And while I wish Oprah nothing but the best, if I were a Weight Watchers investor - I would certainly consider cashing in the stock now, just in case her other investment in Pizza Hut starts paying off.
People Who Watch Porn Have More Sex: A new study found that people who watch a lot of porn have more sex than those who don’t watch porn. Yea, you’ve gotta “hand it” to those people who watch a lot of porn. The big danger with porn is - watch enough of it and you’ll find young men forgoing legitimate careers in order to become delivery men.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
UPS Attacked Online Over Delivery Fail: UPS has acknowledged being behind in delivery orders for Christmas, but that hasn’t stopped people from shaming the company on its Facebook page with scornful posts. One congressman is so upset with UPS, he plans to phone them and demand an explanation - that is, if his new iPhone ever arrives.
Dozens of Health Department Employees Get Sick at Holiday Party: The New Mexico Department of Health says about 70 of its staff members became sick with gastrointestinal issues after its holiday party. Now I’m far from a culinary expert, but I’m guessing that as a caterer, you can’t really do much worse than poison 70 members of your state's Department of Health. In related news, the EPA has fined the Health Department for excessive methane emissions. Gee, wonder if there’s any chance we could talk the IRS into holding their Christmas party there?
Deep-Sea Bacteria Kills Prostate Cancer in Trial: Researchers have developed a new non-surgical treatment for low-risk prostate cancer in which doctors inject a light-sensitive deep-sea bacteria into a patient and then blast it with a laser - which then kills cancer cells without destroying healthy tissue. OK, but I guess my question would be, just how does a doctor go about telling a patient she has this big glob of bacteria we scraped up off the ocean floor which she’d like to inject into your scrotum and then blast it all to hell and back with a powerful laser?
Schwarzenegger Says He Throws Up When Looking in the Mirror: Veteran 69-year-old actor and bodybuilding champion Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told an interviewer that he “throws up” every time he looks at his reflection in the mirror. I’m quite sure throwing up is the answer - because to me, he has the appearance and mannerisms of someone who seems to be completely constipated.
Alarming Number Of People Don't Know Human Reproductive Facts: A new report found that a surprising number of people are completely in the dark concerning some basic facts about human reproduction. Now I’m no reproductive expert, but I’m guessing that’s because most of us hardly ever run into any storks anymore as we go about our daily lives.
