Arts & Entertainment
Border Patrol Seizes Marijuana Disguised As Carrots
A satirical look at current events!
Border Patrol Seizes Marijuana Disguised As Carrots: Officials say a shipment of fresh carrots intercepted by U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents actually turned out to be a mixture of real produce and 2,493 pounds of marijuana wrapped to look like carrots. Makes you wonder who the hell came up with that idea, Martha Stewart?
Researchers Studying Poop Pills for Weight Loss: Researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston say they plan to launch a clinical trial to study the impact of gut bacteria on weight by giving fecal pills obtained from thin people to overweight people. The way it all works is quite simple really - once the patient realizes that they’re actually swallowing part of someone’s turd, they instantly and completely lose their appetite.
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Ted Cruz Says Atheists Should Not Be President: Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz told an audience that he believes atheists should not be president and that any president who doesn’t begin every day on his knees isn’t fit to be Commander in Chief of this nation. Hell, I’m guessing a lot of hookers start their day on their knees, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’d wanna see them as Commander in Chief.
Bus-Sized Crocodile Fossil Discovered in Tunisia: The Washington Post reports that Paleontologists in Tunisia have unearthed the remains of terrifying 30-foot, 3-ton, bus-sized crocodile. Good grief, can you imagine mistakenly boarding that instead of a bus? Is it any wonder why people back then were so reluctant to take public transportation?
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Mexican Officials Moving El Chapo From Cell to Cell: In order to prevent another embarrassing escape, its being reported that prison officials are continually moving Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman from cell to cell inside the maximum security prison where he is being held. In related news, optometrists who’ve examined El Chapo since his capture, fear he may be developing a serious case of “tunnel vision.”
Sean Penn Secretly Met With Drug Lord El Chapo: Sean Penn has once again ignited controversy after it was disclosed he secretly met Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman at his secret hideout for an interview for Rolling Stone magazine. Who does Sean Penn think he is meeting with such a notorious criminal anyway? Doesn’t he realize those kind of rendezvous are supposed to be left to experts like Dennis Rodman?
American Faith in Organized Religion Wanes: A new Gallup poll shows that only 44 percent of Americans now have great trust in “the church or organized religion.” I tried organized religion, but just I couldn’t get organized.
Physicist Krauss Suggests Discovery of Gravitational Waves: Theoretical physicist Laurence Krauss sent the scientific community on Twitter reeling when he suggested that researchers may have detected, for the first time, an astrophysical phenomenon called gravitational waves. Now I’m no theoretical physicist. but don’t we experience gravitational waves every time we flush the toilet?
CES Pays Tribute to Super Glue Inventor Harry Coover: Participants at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) paid tribute to Harry Coover, the inventor of Super Glue, who died 5 years ago at the age of 94. One thing’s for sure, you can bet that was one hell of a tightly-sealed casket.
