CDC Says Rabbit Fever on the Rise in the US: The reports that a recent surge in cases of a very serious, but rare bacterial disease called “rabbit fever” in four U.S. states has doctors puzzled. In an attempt to prevent the disease from spreading further, health officials are urging the general public to avoid eating wild rabbit and refrain from having sex with former Playboy Bunnies.
Fleeing Drug Dealer Busted as He Stops for Haircut: Authorities say when police stopped a suspected drug dealer for a traffic violation, he fled but was later arrested after he stopped to get a haircut before continuing with his escape. Looks like the guy who gave him that haircut was on drugs. I think he’s gonna be really disappointed with the way his mugshot comes out.
Study Concluded Estrogen Protects Women’s Memories: A new study shows that estrogen appears to help protect women’s memories from decline due to aging. Researchers found that are being given the estrogen, women were once again able to remember crap their husbands did years ago and throw it right back in their faces.
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Study Says LA Has Worst Traffic in the US: According to a new study, Los Angeles has the worst traffic in the nation, with residents wasting an average of 59 hours a year, stuck in traffic. Meanwhile, the rest of the year is wasted pursuing dreams of becoming a star.
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Trump Calls for No Muslims Entering US: Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is calling for a “total and complete shutdown” of the entry of Muslims to the United States until we can figure out what is going on. Really, and just how would this work? How would you prevent someone trying to come into this country from just lying and saying they are a Christian? Oh, and please tell me if it involves passing out free ham at customs!
Shark Bites Tourist in Half in Australia: A young tourist riding on a bodyboard has been bitten in half by what is believed to be a great white shark off a beach near Cape Naturaliste in western Australia. Grieving friends say its probably just as well he didn’t survive because, had he lived, he’d have only been half the man he used to be.
Kim and Kanye Name Their Second Child Saint West: Rapper Kanye West and reality TV star Kim Kardashian have announced the name of their second child which they have decided to call “Saint.” Makes me feel sorry for the child. When he screws up, he won’t be able to use the old “I ain’t no Saint” excuse like the rest of us. On a positive note, I guess naming your 2nd child Saint makes naming your 1st child North seem not all that weird anymore.
Diocese’s Posting of Nun’s Trophy Deer Draws Backlash: A Roman Catholic diocese in Pennsylvania is drawing harsh criticism after posting a photograph to Facebook of one of its nuns posing with a 10-point buck she had just bagged. Well, at least the deer will eventually get mounted, which is more than we can say for the nun.
States Encouraged to Consider South Dakota’s Sobriety Program: States are being encouraged to consider implementing South Dakota’s highly successful 24-7 sobriety program, in which alcohol abusers and drug addicts are required to blow into a breathalyzer twice a day for three years in order to remain free instead of being incarcerated. OK fine, but then what are they gonna have the sex addicts blow into?
Adele’s “25” Album Breaks Another US Sales Record: A tracking service determined that Adele’s new album “25” - a followup to her previous albums “21 and “19” - is breaking all records, selling more than one million albums in the United States in its second week. Personally, I can’t wait till her “65” album comes out when - instead of love songs - she’ll be singing about urinary track disorders and the effectiveness of hip replacement procedures.
Study Links Exercise to Cognitive Abilities Later in Life: A 25-year study published in JAMA found a strong link between exercise and retention of cognitive abilities later in life, with those who exercised less showing the most decline. On the other hand and to their credit, they were apparently smart enough to avoid exercising all the years.
Cornwall Police Bust Man Caught Trying To Have Sex With Camper: A naked man has been busted trying to lower himself to have sex with the tow bar of a camper van on a busy, well-lit street in Cornwall, England. Wow, I’ve been around for a long time, but this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a camper van getting “Cornwalled.” Not surprisingly, the man tried telling police he was hoping to get hitched. Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places. Somebody needs to tell this guy that this is NOT how you hot-wire a vehicle. Why if that van had accidentally slipped into gear, the poor guy wouldn’t have known if he was cumin or goin. And come on, what a loser - I mean, everyone knows Airstreams are way hotter than camper vans.
Fans Plan to Mark Anniversary of Bela Lugosi’s Death: Horror fans plan to mark the 60th anniversary of Bela Lugosi’s death, the famed actor who played Dracula in the 1930’s, with a ceremony at his grave at Holy Cross Cemetery in Culver City, California. Good grief, talk about horror, imagine having to spend eternity in Culver City!
