Cosmopolitan Now Pushing Cancer as a Diet Plan

Cosmopolitan Now Pushing Cancer as a Diet Plan: Cosmopolitan magazine is infamous for their click-bait headlines about women’s dieting tips, and in one of its signature pieces, they published a profile of a 31-year-old Australian woman who Cosmo claimed "lost 44 pounds without ANY exercise” - only, as it turns out - the reason she lost the weight was that she had cancer. Hell, they may as well have added that if you go on this diet plan, it could be the last diet you’ll ever need.

Sean Spicer Apologizes for Hitler - al-Assad Comparison: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized after making his most astonishing blunder yet - favorably comparing Adolf Hitler with Bashar al-Assad at a White House briefing, claiming Adolf Hitler never used chemical weapons against civilians. Wow, that Sean Spicer is really a gas! I say the obvious solution is to fire Spicer immediately and replace him with Melissa McCarthy.

Scientists Identify Parts of Brain Involved in Dreaming: Scientists have identified regions of the brain involved in dreaming in a study with significant implications for our understanding of the purpose of dreams and of consciousness itself - even offering clues as to what the dream is actually about. In related news, Facebook announced they are just a few short years away from targeted in-dream advertising!

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Researchers Say Father of All Mankind 340,000 Years Old: Evolutionary anthropologists say DNA evidence has revealed that the oldest known common male ancestor (called the father of all mankind) is 340,000 years old, more than twice as old as previous estimates. I don’t think I’d wanna be the “father of all mankind.” Who’d wanna think they’re responsible for an endless stream of assholes going back 340,000 years? Besides, can you imagine the child support payments that would come with that title?

Fresh Express Salads at Walmart Recalled Over Dead Bat: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Fresh Express has recalled some of its organic prepackaged salad mix, after a dead bat was found inside a bag sold in a Florida Walmart. Wait a minute - I’m totally shocked. Someone who shops at Walmart actually bought a salad? And they managed to eat most it without even batting an eye. Hell, it could have been worse - the bat could have been a Louisville Slugger.

Casey Anthony Now a Professional Photographer: Its being reported that Casey Anthony, the Florida woman acquitted in 2011 in the death of her 2-year-old daughter, is now trying to establish a career as a photographer in West Palm Beach. Gee, if that doesn’t work out for her, who knows what she can do for a living? I’m assuming babysitting is pretty much out of the question!

Augusta Green Jacket Found at Canadian Thrift Store Auctioned: An authenticated, but unidentified Augusta National green jacket which was purchased in a Toronto thrift store for $5 back in 1994 is being auctioned and expected to fetch well over $40,000. Missing Jacket? Hell, I didn’t know Tom Brady played in the Masters Tournament. Actually, it looks more like something that came out of Hillary’s closet. Just look at that thing - talk about “make America Green Again!” Now the big decision - do I want to get a green jacket or a new car? Hmmmm!

New Snail Venom Painkiller Extremely Potent: Scientists say an experimental drug made from snail venom and judged to be about 100 times more potent than morphine, has shown early signs of promise in numbing pain, raising hopes in the hunt for new, non-addictive medications. Unfortunately, so far - research has only been moving at a snail’s pace.

Man Accidentally Shoots Self at NRA Headquarters: Police in Fairfax, Virginia say a National Rifle Association employee accidentally shot himself in the leg while doing firearms training at the organization's headquarters. An NRA spokesperson said this would have never happened if only his other leg had taken up arms. While doctors say he’ll be fine, the medical bills could end up costing him an arm and a leg. Guess that will be his legacy.

Giant Tornado Observed on the Sun’s Surface: NASA's Solar Dynamics Observatory has posted a stunning video which shows a tornado on the sun’s surface that could be as large as the Earth itself. Scientists say the exciting news is - if there are tornados on the sun’s surface, there almost certainly has to be mobile home parks too.

Having Gray Hair Increases Men’s Risk of Heart Disease: According to new research presented at the European Society of Cardiology, men with grey hair face a significantly bigger risk of heart disease. The study seemed pretty straightforward, but there were some gray areas. In related news, sales of “Just for Men” has increased 70% since the study came out.

Feral Girl Found Living with Monkeys in India: A feral girl, who didn't appear to understand any language and walked on all fours, has been found by local police living with a group of monkeys in a wildlife sanctuary near the Nepalese border in India. Great story! Wonder what the hell her name is - Tarzanne? And while you have to wish her all the best, one thing’s for certain - living with a bunch of monkeys is still a hell of a lot better than being governed by them.

Jeff Bezos Shows Capsule That Will Take Tourists to Space: Amazon’s Jeff Bezos has announced his space company Blue Origin plans to begin flying tourists past the edge of space - where, for about four minutes, they’ll experience the thrill of weightlessness and view the curvature of the Earth. OK Amazon, and good luck with trying to fulfill two-day Prime delivery commitments on Proxima Centauri. I can see it now, next time I call to find out what the hell happened to my Amazon order, they’ll be like - “I’m sorry sir, that order seems to be Lost in Space.”

U.S. Launches Strike on Bashar al-Assad’s Military Airfield: President Donald Trump launched approximately 50 cruise missiles at a Syrian military airfield in retaliation for President Bashar al-Assad’s chemical attack which killed scores of civilians. Speaking to reporters, a visibly shaken Donald Trump said the US will respond to ALL gas attacks and indicated he is even considering going after “Jumping Jack Flash” sometime in the near future.

Payless Announces Closing of 400 Stores: Payless ShoeSource Inc. is closing about 400 of its stores, nearly 50 of them in California, as the shoe chain reorganizes its business after filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Fortunately, in their place, a new, upscale chain of Pay-Through-the-Teeth stores is expected to take up occupancy in the vacated buildings.

Administration Concedes Border Wall Won't Cover Entire Border: Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly told a Senate committee that he doesn't expect construction of Donald Trump’s promised “big, beautiful wall” to actually run the full length of the U.S.-Mexico border - marking the abandonment of one of Trump’s central campaign promises. I get it, I mean, ”who could have known building a border wall could be so complicated?” I got an idea, why not just let him build a commemorative 30’ x 10’ wall near the Tijuana border, then place a statue of President Trump in front of it and call it a day? Maybe you could even get South Dakota to pay for it - although the way things have been going lately, the President of South Dakota would probably refuse to pay for it too.

Verizon’s New Name for AOL-Yahoo is Oath: Now that telecom giant Verizon has purchased Yahoo, their new name for the company - which also includes AOL - will be “Oath.” Yea, and before you think about going to any sites you probably shouldn’t, it might be a good idea to remember that you are under “Oath.” One thing’s for sure, if they run it anything like Yahoo was run, perhaps the name “Oaf” might be a better fit - or even better - “Loath?”

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Study Finds Women Don’t Want to Be Fat: A new study found that 54% of women 18 to 25 say they would rather be hit by a truck than be fat. Of course what these women fail to take into consideration is that fat women can get hit by trucks too.

Man Wielding Bible and Hammer Tasered by Police: Police used a stun gun to subdue an Oklahoma man wielding a hammer and a Bible at a local trailer park after the man refused to drop the hammer during a fight with another man, claiming he was doing God’s work. Well, Jesus was a carpenter and carpenters use hammers - and while I’m no Biblical scholar - it sounds like this guy really nailed it.

Ivanka Claims She Doesn’t Know What Complicit Means: After critics accused her of being “complicit” in her father’s decisions, Ivanka Trump claimed in a recent CBS interview that she “doesn’t even know what it means to be complicit.” My first reaction was “gee, you’d think a billionaire family could afford to have a decent dictionary lying around,” but then it occurred to me that given the fact this is the Trumps, they’ve probably concluded somewhere down the line that dictionaries contain too many “fake words.”