Arts & Entertainment
Daniel Day-Lewis Announces Retirement From Acting
A satirical look at current events!
Daniel Day-Lewis Announces Retirement From Acting: Daniel Day-Lewis, one of the most revered actors in Hollywood history, has announced his retirement from acting. Good for him and we all wish him well - now if he could just have a chat with Adam Sandler before he leaves.
Doctor Diagnoses Man With Homosexual Behavior: NBC is reporting that a 45-year-old Los Angeles man who went for a physical found a diagnosis of "homosexual behavior" listed under "chronic conditions" on his chart. Gee, wonder if a “condition” like that means he’s now eligible to buy medical marijuana?
Thief Drops Urn With Freud’s Ashes in Failed Burglary: Police say a thief who tried to steal an ancient urn containing the ashes of Sigmund Freud from a London crematorium, dropped it while trying to climb over a gate. I’m no psychotherapist, but it sure sounds like classic a “Freudian Slip” to me.
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Trump Boasts He’s More Popular Than Obama: President Donald Trump was up and tweeting extra early Sunday morning, boasting that his approval ratings are higher than former President Barack Obama despite his being subjected to a “Witch Hunt.” I’m sure Trump is right about being more popular than Obama - the only problem is, its in Russia.
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Trump Celebrates Father’s Day: With Father’s Day just over, many people were asking, wonder what kind of father was Donald Trump? I don’t know about with his boys, but I think its pretty safe to say that with Ivanka, he was strictly a “hands-on” dad.
Amazon to Buy Whole Foods Market: Amazon, the world’s most powerful online retailer, has taken a giant stride into traditional retailing, spending $13.7 billion to take over organic food chain Whole Foods Market. Rumor has it that the Whole Foods purchase was simply a mistake that occurred when Amazon CEO Jeff Bozos told his Amazon Echo “Alexa, I need to buy something at Whole Foods” and Alexa responds “yes, buying Whole Foods!” Its truly comforting to think we’ve advanced this far as a civilization, that the hipsters may one day soon be able to get their kale delivered to them by drone.
Bear Attacks Elderly Bedridden Woman in New Mexico: New Mexico State wildlife officials say an 82-year-old bedridden woman suffered scratches on her face and head when a 400-pound black bear broke into her northern New Mexico home and attacked her. Officials say the attack doesn’t appear to be sexually motivated.
Trader Joe’s Issues Grainless Granola Recall: Trader Joe’s has been e-mailing customers, warning them that their Trader Joe’s brand Grainless Granola is being recalled because of a possible Listeria contamination. Now I’m certainly no doctor, but I’m guessing that if you’re the type of person who seeks out products like “Grainless Granola,” Listeria is probably the least of your problems.
Head Transplant Surgeon Repairs Spinal Cords of Rats: The scientific team planning to carry out the world’s first human head transplant has announced the successful repair of severed spinal cords in rats, confirming their proof-of-principle study and showing their technique “works across the board.” One thing’s for sure, whomever gets the first head transplant better have a closet full of turtleneck sweaters and shirts. Try explaining those scars on a first date.
Texas Police Seize 600 Pounds of Meth-Laced Lollipops: Texas Police, investigating a reported burglary, have seized almost $1 million worth of methamphetamine-laced lollipops. Let’s hope these lollipops are sugarless, because everyone knows that both meth and candy are bad for your teeth. The way I see it, meth addicts have enough problems, the last thing they need is to destroy their beautiful teeth.
Founder of Breast Implant Firm Guilty of Fraud: The founder of a French company that used an unapproved gel in its breast implants has been found guilty of fraud. On the other hand, I suppose it could be argued that anyone who makes fake breasts is guilty of fraud on some level.
Parrots Blamed for LA Area Power Outage: A recent Southern California Edison power outage in the Hermosa Beach area of Los Angeles is being blamed on wild parrots on power poles. Wow, who could have known that “Pauly wants a power pole!” Edison officials say they were finally able to crack the case after they captured one of the parrots who, under heavy questioning, started singing like a canary.
Cops Suffering from Excessive Sleepiness: A new study found that nearly a third of police officers may suffer from excessive sleepiness, which can have serious implications for broader job performance and safety. What the hell, did Dunkin’ Donuts run out of coffee or something?
Bill Cosby’s Assault Ends in Mistrial: During his assault trail, Bill Cosby accuser Andrea Constand became extremely emotional during her testimony describing her sexual encounter with the comedian. Deeply moved by such an emotional display, Mr Cosby offered that he may have something that could help calm her down and to let him know if she needed it.
Russian Mobsters Trafficked 10K Pounds Of Chocolate: Sources say 33 members of a New York City-based Russian crime group have been charged with racketeering, murder for hire and crimes including trafficking 10 thousand pounds of stolen chocolate. Now, those thugs can expect to spend some time behind bars. Unfortunately, in this case - we’re talking chocolate bars.
Dennis Rodman Heading Back To North Korea: Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is reportedly heading back to North Korea for another visit with dictator Kim Jong-un. That doesn’t make any sense. Why bother traveling all the way to North Korea when we have our own fat, tyrannical, dictator wannabe right here in the USA?
