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Ex-KKK Exalted Cyclops Indicted Over Cross Burning
A satirical look at current events!
Ex-KKK Exalted Cyclops Indicted Over Cross Burning: A 28-year-old former Alabama Ku Klux Klan "Exalted Cyclops" leader and his mother have been indicted after allegedly burning a cross at the entrance to a predominantly black neighborhood and then lying to police about it. Neighbors say he probably never would have chosen to become a cyclops had his mother kept an eye on him when he was young.
Wimbledon Wants Women to Stop Grunting So Loud: Ian Ritchie, the head of Wimbledon told “The London Telegraph” that tennis players are grunting much too loudly and that he feels that the problem is mainly with the women. Gee, I’m betting women just find this guy an absolute riot in the bedroom.
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Tina Turner Has No Regrets About Giving Up US Citizenship: Tina Turner says she has had no regrets after giving up her U.S. citizenship and becoming a full Swiss citizen. When asked what motivated her to do so, her response was “what’s taxes got to do, got to do with it?”
China Implements Visit Your Parents Law: China has just implemented a new law requiring children to frequently visit their parents or face the possibility of being sued. Makes me glad I don’t live in China. My parents are dead and are buried 2500 miles away.
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Study Finds Nice People Easily Embarrassed: A new study published in Social Psychology, found that people who are easily embarrassed tend to be more generous and trustworthy in social situations. Participants were not informed of the results because researchers didn’t want to embarrass them.
Scientists Find Ancient Fabric Dyed with Indigo: According to anthropologists, a frayed, ancient cotton textile fragment from Peru dating back 6200 years represents the oldest known piece of fabric dyed with indigo - just as blue jeans are today. Scientists say they confirmed the item was indigo dyed by checking the label located on the inside of the fabric.
iPhone 7’s New Home Button Could Be an Issue in Cold Climates: Its being reported that the iPhone 7’s new “home button” is rendered useless without skin contact, spelling trouble for people who try to use it in cold climates and have gloves on. Apple says that while this is essentially true, it shouldn’t be a major problem when you factor in global warming and the fact that many people on the East Coast winter in Florida anyway.
US Issues Recall for Samsung Galaxy Note 7: In an unprecedented move, both Samsung and the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission have issued an official recall for the Galaxy Note 7's large-screen smartphone that has been known to burst into flames and explode. In related news, astronomers say they’ve also detected a burst of flames and an explosion - only this time in the Andromeda Galaxy, but scientists say no recall is planned.
Scarcity of Women Can Hurt Men’s Finances: According to a study published by the University of Minnesota's Carlson School of Management, when men think they outnumber women, they borrow more, save less and make more impulse purchases. I’m not so sure about that. Every guy I’ve ever known seems to have a hell of a lot more money when there are no women in the picture.
U.S. Railroad Worker’s Drug Use Skyrockets: New data are showing that the number of U.S. railroad workers testing positive for drug use has been skyrocketing over the past few years. Officials say if the pattern continues, they may be forced to change the theme song to “I’ve been toking on the railroad.”
Clinton and Trump Release Health Information: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump released more detailed health information this week - Clinton through a statement issued by her campaign and Trump went on the Dr Oz show. To no one’s surprise, both candidates were diagnosed as old.
Boeing 737-300’s Are Being Used Too Much: Aviation experts say that while the Boeing 737-300 is essentially an excellent plane, all the frequent flights that airlines require them to make could very well contribute to very dangerous fuselage ruptures. Got it - Boeing 737-300’s are terrific planes, just as long as you don’t fly them very often.
Mel Gibson and Equestrian Champion Girlfriend are Expecting Child: Mel Gibson and his 26-year-old equestrian champion girlfriend Rosalind Ross are expecting a baby early next year. Makes sense she’s an equestrian champion, because they’ve obviously been doing some horsing around.
