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Gretchen Carlson Claims Sexual Harassment Against Fox News Chief
A satirical look at current events!
Gretchen Carlson Claims Sexual Harassment Against Fox News Chief: Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson has accused network boss Roger Ailes of sexual harassment in a lawsuit, claiming the cable channel chairman fired her after she refused his advances. Good grief, could that mean all those other women at Fox who haven’t been fired have slept with Ailes? And while some female journalists say Fox fosters a culture of sexism, others swear that Fox News is good for what Ailes ya.
Banking Error Gives Man Unlimited Funds: A banking error accidentally gave a Michigan man unlimited funds in his checking account, so he withdrew $1.5 million and, before the problem was discovered, lost it all gambling in a casino. Doesn’t this guy realize that its illegal to gamble with money that isn’t yours - that is, unless you work on Wall Street?
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Junk Food Linked With Colorectal Cancer Risk: Researchers from the University of Edinburgh say they’ve found a strong link between eating lots of junk food such as chips, cakes, desserts and sugary drinks and colorectal cancer risk. To put it in plain English, junk food will eventually get you in the end.
Study Finds World Has More Obese Than Underweight Adults: The Lancet reports that in the largest ever obesity study ever conducted, the number of adults classified as obese now outweighs the number of underweight adults worldwide. Personally, I blame gravity, but health officials say this is precisely why consumers need to make certain liposuction is included when purchasing health insurance.
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Astronomers Find Three Planets That May Support Life: Astronomers say three recently discovered planets similar to Earth’s size and temperature may have conditions that could sustain life. And while astronomers are excited, others ask “without a decent cellphone connection, what kind of life could it be?”
Man Arrested After Challenging Daughter To a Gun Duel: A Colorado man has been arrested on child abuse and other charges after challenging his daughter to a gun duel and then engaging her in a shootout before police arrived. The NRA defended the man’s actions, pointing out that the father was simply defending his 2nd Amendment rights as a parent.
Skeleton with Stone-Encrusted Teeth Found in Mexican Ruins: Archeologists, working near Mexico's ancient ruins of Teotihuacan, have discovered the 1,600-year-old skeleton of an upper-class woman whose skull was intentionally cosmetically deformed and teeth were encrusted with mineral stones. Yea, and she probably had a boob job and tummy tuck too. Guess those Kardashians go way back! Either that or they’ve dug up an early rap star. One thing’s for sure, she could have eaten corn on the cob through a chain link fence with those teeth. I probably shouldn’t laugh, pretty soon that’s all my dental insurance is gonna be offering for crowns.
Delta Flight Diverted After Numerous Passengers Feel Ill: A Delta flight from Atlanta to Denver had to make an unscheduled landing in Tulsa, Oklahoma, after numerous passengers reported feeling sick. I fully understand. I feel a bit sick myself every time I realize have to fly Delta.
Plane Makes Emergency Landing After Passenger Bitten By Snake: According to a report from an Egyptian news site, an EgyptAir flight from Cairo to Kuwait was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger on the plane was bitten by a snake. Ironically, immediately after being captured, the snake began complaining about the “lousy airline food.”
Study Finds Grizzly Bears Not Attracted to Menstruating Women: Yellowstone National Park officials report that, contrary to old campfire stories and urban myths dating back to the late 1960’s, grizzly bears are not attracted by the smell of menstruating women. Which I suppose is probably just as well, because as far as I can tell, not all that many menstruating women find themselves attracted to grizzly bears either.
Study Defines Economic Benefits to Beauty: A University of Texas study found there is definitely an economic component to being attractive and that beautiful people routinely cash in on their looks by earning more money and marrying more attractive, higher-earning people than those not considered attractive. I talked to my accountant about cashing in on my looks and he told me deficit spending is never a good idea during a recession.
