Politics & Government
Insiders Say Sarah Palin May Be Next Secretary of the Interior
A satirical look at current events!
Insiders Say Sarah Palin May Be Next Secretary of the Interior: According to insider reports, former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is a top contender for Secretary of the Interior in the Trump Administration. Sounds perfect, and hell - while you’re at it - why not appoint George Zimmerman to head-up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives? No wonder Elon Musk is desperately trying to get to Mars.
Orangutan Picks Cocktail by Observing Ingredients in Drink: As a demonstration of their higher intelligence, researchers say an orangutan has matched predictions by choosing a mixed beverage based upon his fondness for the separate ingredients in each drink. Oh, for heaven’s sakes! So some big ape drops by the Brass Monkey Lounge and orders himself a Banana Daiquiri - what’s the big deal about that?
Toddler Buys Car on e-Bay: A 14-month old toddler was playing with her father’s smartphone, opened the eBay app and ended up buying a 1962 Austin Healey. The parents say they’re hoping to be able to recoup their losses by putting the toddler up for sale.
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Documents Show Melania Trump Worked in U.S. Without Permit: Despite Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s strong anti-immigrant talk, documents show Trump’s Slovenian-born immigrant wife was paid for 10 modeling jobs in in the United States before she received legal authorization to work in the United States. The troubling thing is that she was taking jobs that should have gone to frighteningly skinny American women.
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New Zebra Wetsuits Confuse and Repel Sharks: An Australian company has come out with a line of wetsuit designs with a “zebra-looking pattern” that make the wearer look undesirable to the sharks. Unfortunately, once back onshore, you’re likely to be chased down and eaten by a lion.
Scientists Say Genetic Code of Wheat Cracked: British scientists have announced that they have finally cracked the genetic code of wheat. And that, I assume, is what is meant by “cracked wheat.”
Snake Gives AeroMexico Passengers Mid-Flight Scare: Passengers aboard AeroMexico Flight 231 from Torreon to Mexico City were shocked in mid-flight when a venomous green viper snake emerged from the side of an overhead compartment before dropping down toward the floor of the plane’s cabin. Immigration officials say they’re still trying to determine if the green snake was carrying a valid green card. When questioned as to how a venomous snake could have gotten on the plane in the first place, AeroMexico officials believe that it most likely was a Donald Trump supporter’s “emotional support snake” that happened to have gotten loose.
Giant Cosmic Burst Cracks Open Earth’s Magnetic Field: Astronomers say the sun recently blasted out a giant cloud of plasma that struck our planet at a speed of 2.5 million kilometers per hour, causing a severe compression of Earth's magnetic field. Scientists warn that strong plasma bursts pose a serious threat to any household messages secured in place by refrigerator magnets.
Scientists Outline New Benefits of Chocolate: Researchers say antioxidant-rich dark chocolate is healthy for your whole body because its rich in antioxidants which help improve blood flow by regulating cholesterol and lowering blood pressure. Now, if they could just figure out a way to convince people to eat the stuff instead of gorging themselves on things like broccoli, lima beans and carrots and celery.
Idaho Girls Basketball Coach Fired for Facebook Boob-Grab Post: An Idaho high school girls basketball coach claims she was fired from her job after posting a vacation photo on her personal Facebook page that appeared to show her fiancé grabbing her right breast. And now it appears her job is up for grabs. How’s that grab ya?
Samsung to Launch AI Assistant Service for Galaxy S8: Samsung Electronics Co announced it will launch an artificial intelligence digital assistant service for its upcoming Galaxy S8 smartphone. Gee, I wasn’t quite sure about whether all this Artificial Intelligence stuff would catch on, but now that I see a corporation like Samsung getting involved, I think Artificial Intelligence might actually start catching fire.
Arizona Gun Club Offers Unique Christmas Pics: A Scottsdale gun club says it will offer its members the opportunity to create really unique Christmas cards this season by having families pose with Santa - heavily armed with their choice of pistols and military-assault rifles. Because nothing says “Joy to the World” and “Peace on Earth” quite like a family armed to the teeth with pistols and assault rifles.
Hawaii Bans Disposable Plastic Bags: Hawaii has become the first state to completely ban disposable plastic bags. Not to be outdone, California is considering a ban on people with bags under their eyes.
Samsung Recalls Millions of Washing Machines: As if its problems with its phones weren’t enough, now Samsung has been forced to announce a formal recall of 2.8 million of its top-load washing machines after it was determined that washing bulky items can make the machines vibrate so violently that they could blow apart. Perhaps the most depressing thing of all is that many of these loyal Samsung customers will be using their exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones to call Samsung customer service to report their exploding washing machines. Sounds a lot like the end of civilization as we know it.
Slovakian Brothers Win International Grave Digging Championships: Slovakian brothers Ladislav and Csaba Skladan have just won the second annual International “Grave Digging Championships” in Trencin, Slovakia, with eleven two-member teams from Slovakia, Poland and Hungary competing to dig the perfect grave. Those in attendance say the Skladan brothers just buried the competition. Well of corpse they won - they would have been my first pick (and shovel). These guys are really well grounded. Meanwhile, proud Slovaks across the country say they feel lucky to have lived long enough to see a fellow Slovak bring home the grave digging championship, especially when so many would kill to win a trophy like that.
