Politics & Government
Internet Buzzing Over Melania Trump Body Double Conspiracy
A satirical look at current events!
Internet Buzzing Over Melania Trump Body Double Conspiracy: Melania Trump has become the center of a wild body double conspiracy theory after people began saying the woman who appeared on the White House lawn alongside the President in a trench coat and sunglasses didn’t look quite the same as Melania. If you ask me, the answer’s quite simple - Melania is a robot and the factory provided several copies for Trump’s use. Of course, another other explanation for why people think she may look a bit different is that the sun may possibly be melting her plastic face. Personally, I think whoever that is who is standing next to President Trump certainly looks every bit as pissed off as real Melania usually does.
First Dinosaur With Arthritis Found in Southern New Jersey: Scientists say they’ve discovered remains of a dinosaur in southern New Jersey who lived 70 million years ago who also suffered from a very crippling form of arthritis of the elbow. Good grief, dinosaurs with arthritic elbows in New Jersey? Must be from yanking that lever down on the slots in Atlantic City. Rumor has it those dinosaurs had terrible gambling habits. One thing’s for sure, even if you’re not a dinosaur - arthritis will definitely make you feel like an old fossil.
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Woman Sets World Record for 60 Meters at Age 95: A 95-year-old woman has set a world record for her age group, running 60 meters in 29.86 seconds. Good for her, but come on! Once you hit 95, isn’t just about anything you do - be it bending over to breathing in and out most likely gonna set some kind of record?
Price Resigns from Amazon Studios After Harassment Allegations: Amazon Studio head Roy Price has resigned amid allegations that he sexually harassed a producer of one of the company’s most high-profile shows. Amazon officials boasted that, because of the company’s popular Amazon Prime service, they were able to ship Price’s ass the hell out in as little as one business day.
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China’s Massive Space Lab Will Soon Crash to Earth: Chinese officials have confirmed that they have lost control of their 8/12 ton space lab and that it soon crash somewhere down to Earth in the latter half of this year. Oh yeah, well if it falls down on top of me - I'll sue.
Giant Panda Gives Birth In Washington Zoo: A giant panda has given birth to a cub at the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington - though zoo staff say it's not immediately clear who the father may be. Zoo officials say they’ll need to wait for test results to come back before they can completely rule out former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Fierce Collision of Neutron Stars Detected for the First Time: Astronomers announced that they have both seen and heard a pair of neutron stars colliding, giving them their first glimpse of the violent process by which most of the gold and silver in the universe is created. All I can say is, its probably a good thing those two stars can come up with all that gold and silver because, as it turns out - when they collided, neither of them had any insurance.
Trump Makes Joke About Pence Wanting To Hang All Gays: The New Yorker reports that during a White House meeting, when the subject shifted to gay rights, President Trump pointed to Vice President Pence and joked, “don’t ask that guy - he wants to hang them all!” On a positive note…oh wait, my mistake. There is no positive note.
Paleogenetics Says Humans Have DNA From the Denisovans: National Geographic just published an article about how modern humans also have DNA from two other close relatives that lived in close proximity and with whom we interbred - the Neanderthals, and the rather mysterious Denisovans. Not being an anthropologist, I can’t speak about the Neanderthals, but there were a family of Denisovans that lived two doors down from me where I grew up in Canton, Ohio. Nice people, they sold stone tools at the swap meet on weekends - my only complaint was they would only accept cash for the tools, so you couldn’t use a credit card. That said, regardless of what all these paleogeneticists are saying, I didn’t have sex with any them.
Link Between Violent Video Games and Aggression: Researchers at Indiana University are using functional magnetic resonance imaging of the brain to establish a link between violent video games and aggressive behavior. Sadly, the aggression hypothesis was pretty much confirmed after study participants beat up all the researchers.
Astronomers Find Half of Missing Matter in Universe: In one of cosmology’s perplexing problems, up to 90% of the ordinary matter in the universe appears to have gone missing, and astronomers report that they’ve finally detected about half of this missing content for the first time. So I’m guessing that means the other half is still misplaced? Tell you what, I’ll keep an eye out and if I happen to see any of it, I’ll let you know.
Mass Shootings Create Demand for Active Shooter Insurance: One interesting development about the frequency of recent mass shootings has been the establishment of a market for “Active Shooter Insurance,” which covers the economic fallout from tragedies such as lawsuits, funerals, public relations cleanup and loss of business. Gee, Active Shooter Insurance? In America, don't leave home without it. My question is, will it cover embalming?
Scientists Sight Dangers of Nanomaterials Examined: As the tiny substances called nanomaterials rapidly move into the marketplace in products as varied as cosmetics, clothing and paint, a panel of scientists say its time to investigate their potential risks. In response, companies producing the nanomaterials are telling scientists “don’t sweat the small stuff - and of course - with nanomaterials, its all small stuff.”
People With High IQs More Likely to Suffer from Mental Disorders: A new study suggests that highly intelligent people have a significantly higher risk of suffering from a variety of mental disorders. Perhaps, but I think our President pretty much proves that a high IQ is not necessarily required for suffering from a mental disorder.
