Irish Town Complains Viagra Factory Fumes Giving Men Erections

Irish Town Complains Viagra Factory Fumes Giving Men Erections: Despite repeated company denials, the residents of Ringaskiddy, Ireland are claiming that its citizens have been prone toward unwanted erections and arousal ever since Pfizer started manufacturing the ED drug Viagra in their community back in 1998. Experts say that even if it were true, it would be really “hard” to prove because the erection rumors are being met with stiff opposition from the scientific community. In response, local officials caution that if your erection lasts over four hours, consider moving to another town.

Roy Moore Says Maybe Putin Right to Condemn Gay Marriage: In a recent interview with the Guardian, controversial Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore told a reporter that he thinks “maybe Putin is right” to condemn same-sex marriage. I hate to say it, but Judge Moore does have a point. I mean, how’s a public servant supposed to have time to chase underage girls around the malls if all his time is taken up marrying a bunch of gays?

Scientists Recreate Tyrannosaurus Rex Sound: While the fearsome roar of a Tyrannosaurus Rex on screen is plenty scary enough, naturalist Chris Packham and Vertebrate Paleontology professor Julia Clarke are using high tech devices to recreate the T-Rex’s sound - and they say it’s much more frightening than the way it’s been portrayed in the movies. Now let me see, I hear a loud, vulgar, disgusting beast with tiny little hands - whatever could it be?

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Apple Is Reportedly Looking To Buy Shazam For A Cool $400 Million: Apple is reportedly in the final stages of acquiring the music recognition app Shazam for the sum of $400 million. I guess that must mean that while Apple has all these songs to sell over at their iTunes Store, they have no idea what they are and they’re hoping Shazam will be able to tell them.

CERN Physicists Conclude Universe Shouldn’t Exist: Physicists say that all of their observations have found complete symmetry between matter and antimatter, which is why the universe should not actually exist. Hell, I don’t even understand why Cleveland exists, let alone the universe.

Drunk Texas Woman Calls 911 For Cigarettes: A drunk woman in Texas ran out of cigarettes while drinking beer with her boyfriend and called 911 to ask if a police officer could deliver a pack to her. I hate to sound critical, but this is precisely what happens when management unilaterally decides to remove the cigarette machines from trailer park rec-rooms.

RadioShack Closing 1,100 Additional U.S. Stores: RadioShack said that it expects to close up to 1,100 U.S. stores, or about 20% of its footprint, while reporting an ever-widening profit loss. This, of course, comes as quite a shock to those of us who had no idea RadioShack was even still in business.

Rare Skeleton of 3.6 Million-Year-Old Human Ancestor on Display: Researchers in South Africa have unveiled what they call "by far the most complete skeleton of a human ancestor older than 1.5 million years ever found.” Who the hell cares about how old it is? What I wanna know is - did it leave a will?

Mayor's Wife Awarded $85,000 in Fall that Ruptured Breast Implants: A jury awarded $85,000 to the wife of former Republican San Diego Mayor Roger Hedgecock for ruptured silicone breast implants she suffered during a 2015 sidewalk fall. The jury said in order to correctly adjudicate the case, they needed to get right down to “where the rubber meets the pavement.”

76th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor: Was heading out the door this morning when my Donald Trump-loving neighbor yelled out to me "it's December 7th, remember Pearl Harbor!" I yelled back "Pearl Harbor was before my time, but I do remember Pearl Bailey. That ought to count for something."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Signs $200M Contract Extension: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has signed a five-year, $200 million contract extension to remain in his role through 2024. And, to add to all the fun - Congress just gave him a brand new tax break on that $200 million.

Duck-Dinosaur Hybrid Baffles Scientists: Scientists announced the discovery of a rather puzzling new carnivorous dinosaur that walked like an ostrich, could swim like a penguin with its flippers, had a bill like a duck, a neck like a swan, all topped-off with killer claws and teeth like a crocodile. While jubilant scientists were expressing excitement over the scientific implications of the find, Trump supporters were thinking “and just in time for duck season!”

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Russia Banned from Winter Olympics Over Doping Scandal: The International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that it has suspended Russia's Olympic team from competing in the 2018 Winter Olympics over the country’s doping scandal. Yea, and while we’re on the topic of “Russian doping scandals,” let’s not forget about that dope the Russians put in the White House.

Pence Ratted Out His Fraternity Brothers For Having A Keg: When he was a sophomore at the small Presbyterian school Hanover College, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly snitched on his Phi Gamma Delta fraternity brothers for having a keg at a party on his college’s dry campus and got his entire house in trouble. In Pence’s defense, he was just trying to prevent his precious Hanover College from turning into Hangover College.

Winklevoss Twins are Now Bitcoin Billionaires: Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, the identical twins famous for their legal battle with Mark Zuckerberg over the ownership of Facebook, have become the world’s first bitcoin billionaires following a surge in value of the currency over the past year. The way I look at it - I may not have a billion dollars, but at least no one is calling me “Winklevoss.”