KFC Denies Their Chicken Has Maggots: Kentucky Fried Chicken has immediately issued a statement claiming “our chicken doesn’t have maggots” after an Arkansas mother told police her five-year-old son had to go to the hospital after eating maggot ridden chicken at a local KFC restaurant. The statement went on to say that even if we did have maggots, they’d still be “finger lick’n' good!”
Ronald McDonald Lying Low Till Clown Scare Blows Over: Because of the current hysteria over clowns sweeping the nation, McDonald’s says it will suspend all appearances of its iconic Ronald McDonald until the scare blows over. Which is kind of ironic when you consider that if people had any sense, they’d be more frightened by McDonald's food than their silly clown mascot.
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New Dwarf Planet Discovered Billions of Miles From Sun: Astronomers say they've discovered a celestial body that’s just 330 miles wide and over eight billion miles away from our sun - which they are categorizing as a “dwarf planet.” Despite the “dwarf” label, a spokesperson for the Little People of America (LPA) organization claims “we’ve never heard of the place.”
Chimps Hoot to Warn Unaware Companions of Dangers: In a kind of cleverness once thought to be uniquely human, researchers say chimpanzees emit “soft hoots” to warn unaware companions of an unseen danger, but don't bother “hooting” to warn those chimps already alert to the danger. On the other hand, maybe they just don’t give a hoot about those other chimps.
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Man Shocked to Learn Puppy He Adopted Actually a Wolf: An Arizona man got more than he bargained for after the free puppy with rather peculiar habits he adopted turned out to be a wolf. The man said he began to suspect something was odd when every time he would show the pup to friends, they would remark “my, what big eyes you have!” The wolf initially denied everything, even going so far as to claim to be a distant cousin of Wolf Blitzer, but later confessed after admitting it had no idea for which cable news network Wolf Blitzer was an anchor.
Sen Sessions Says Grabbing Woman's Genitals Not Sexual Assault: While many Republicans are trying to distance themselves from Donald Trump’s crude remarks about women, others like Senator Jeff Sessions rushed to his defense by saying they don't characterize “grabbing a woman's genitals as sexual assault.” Senator Sessions went on to add that his committee is even considering making grabbing a woman's crotch the new Republican handshake.
Pat Robertson Dismisses Trumps Groping Comments as Just Macho Talk: Always ready to dive into the most controversial issues, televangelist Pat Roberson insisted Donald Trump’s groping comments are no big deal, dismissing them as simply the remarks of someone just trying to look macho. At first I dismissed Robertson’s opinion as simply the ramblings of a primitive ancestor of modern man - know anthropologically as Australo-patheticus, but then I checked my Bible and I realized Robertson may be correct - at least according to the book of Perversions 4:69.
Trump Promises to Throw Hillary in Prison: During the second presidential debate, Republican Donald Trump promised that if he were elected, he would throw his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton into prison. But of course as president you have to have priorities, and Trump explained he’ll have to get to Hillary sometime after he safely jails former Miss Universe Alicia Machado for weight gain.
A Cure on the Horizon for Cat Allergies: After successfully identifying the specific protein found in “feline dander” which causes an allergic reaction to cats, scientists say they could have a pill or inhaler to prevent that reaction in as little as 5 years. Wow, that’s great news! After all, cat allergies are nothing to sneeze at. Until then, researchers are urging everyone not to get their dander up.
Topanga Canyon Pot Farm Raided: LAPD officials announced they’ve removed nearly 5,000 pounds of marijuana plants worth nearly $2.5 million on a raid of a pot farm in Topanga State Park. Pardon me for not being duly impressed, but come on - finding a pot farm in Topanga Canyon is a little like finding a winery in Napa Valley.
What Men Find Most Important About Women: A three year study conducted by Match.Com found that the most important feature men judge women by is their teeth. Hell, if that’s the case, don’t bother joining Match.Com, sign up for 1-800-Dentist.
Study Finds Long Yawns Mean Bigger Brains: A new study published in Biology Letters found that the longer it takes for a mammal to yawn, the bigger brain it has. Gee, if that’s the case, then I’m guessing the hippopotamus is easily the smartest species on the planet. As for me, I find it hard not to yawn when you read about yawning. I must be a genius.
Trump in Hot Water Over Hot Microphone Tape: Donald Trump is finding himself in hot water again as a tape from a hot microphone in 2005 has surfaced, showing him bragging about using his wealth, celebrity and fame to grope women. In related news, the Secret Service has just put Mike Pence on suicide watch and Reince Priebus was observed sending job applications to Uber and Lyft.
Scientist Wins Nobel Prize for World’s Smallest Car: A Dutch professor became one of the winners of this year’s Nobel Prize for Chemistry for his work in constructing a working car made from only a handful of molecules. Great - just what we need! As if it wasn't tough enough trying to find where the hell you parked your car before, now they wanna build cars the size of a nanometer?
Pubic Hair Grooming Injuries on the Rise: A new study in the Journal of Urology found that pubic hair grooming injuries have increased by five times over the past decade. The simple truth is some people are good at trimming pubic hair, while others just can’t seem to make the cut.
Hawaii Residents Voted Less Stressed Again: For the third year in a row, Hawaii has been voted the least stressed-out state in the Union, with Utah and Kentucky being the most stressed-out. In fact, about the only way you can stress-out a Hawaii resident would be telling them they may have to move to Utah or Kentucky.
Gatorade Removing Flame Retardant from Drinks: Gatorade has reluctantly agreed to remove a substance patented as a flame retardant from its beverages following a slew of consumer complaints. Defending it’s use of the chemical, a company spokesperson said because of their inclusion of the fire retardant, very few customers have caught fire while drinking Gatorade.
