Kids Closer To Pets Than Their Own Siblings: A new study found that kids tend to form a really tight bond with their pets, often closer than with their own brothers and sisters. So if that’s correct, I guess its probably a good idea to encourage your children to treat their brothers and sisters just like dogs.
Scientists Create A New Kind Of Matter: Two teams of researchers have created a new kind of matter called “time crystals,” which remain perpetually in motion, even though they don't contain any energy. Perpetually in motion, but no energy? Hell, that doesn’t sound like a description of a new form of matter. That sounds like a description of me on Monday mornings.
Study Finds Many Americans Believe God Intervenes in Sports: A new study found that approximately four in ten (41%) non-white Protestants and more than one-third (36%) of white evangelical Protestants believe God plays a role in determining which sports team will win. Gee, I wonder how many Browns’ fans buy into this? Interesting how God intervenes to help teams like the Patriots and Falcons, yet sits out the Holocaust. I mean, why would God even care which team wins some sporting event? About the only thing I can figure is - it must all depend on which team He’s betting on.
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Trump Issues Executive Order to Defeat ISIS in 30 Days: President Trump has signed an executive order which instructs the U.S. military’s Joint Chiefs of staff to come up with a plan in 30 days to defeat ISIS. In other executive actions, the President issued orders directing the National Institutes of Health (NIH) to come up with a plan to cure cancer, Athletes Foot and Herpes Simplex 2 in the next 30 days.
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Study Finds Depression Poses Risk to Heart Health: A new study out of Germany suggests that depression poses just as great a risk to your heart health as those more familiar heart disease contributors such as smoking, high cholesterol and obesity. In response, a Trump appointee to the National Institutes of Health (NIH) is suggesting that “everyone just cheer up.”
Hasbro’s New Line of Robotic Cats for Seniors: Hasbro has just come out with a line of $99 robot cats, specially designed to act as companion pets for people in old folks homes. Geez, $99 for a fake cat? That’s a lot of scratch! And of course artificial hairballs will have to be purchased extra. On a positive note, when some senile old batty forgets to feed the damn thing, nobody gonna get hurt. “Give it new batteries Grandma, not canned tuna!” As for me, I’ve left specific instructions for my family that, if it ever comes down to this - just pull the frigg’n plug on me.
One-Armed Bandit Captured in Florida: A bank robbery suspect caught police officers by surprise when his prosthetic arm popped right off during his arrest. Needless to say, the handcuffing didn’t go well. Police arrested and charged the man with “arm robbery.”
High School Teacher Suspended for Taping Students Hands: A high school science teacher has been suspended for five days without pay for allegedly taping a student’s hands together and then trying to tape her mouth shut. And, to make matters worse, he then forced her to listen to “Books on Tape.”
Study Finds People Who Make the Most Money Have the Most Sex: A new study found that people who make the most money are also the ones who are having the most sex. And if you needed to do a study to figure that out, you’re probably not getting laid very much.
Trump and Peña Nieto Talk on the Phone: Amid an escalating crisis between neighboring nations over a border wall, President Trump and Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto had what Trump characterized as a “constructive” and “productive” hour-long telephone conversation. When asked to sum up his view of the conversation, Peña Nieto took a line from an old Pink Floyd tune, saying “all in all, he’s just another prick with a wall.”
NASA Says Weird Rock on Mars Probably a Meteorite: NASA's Mars rover Curiosity has stumbled onto a small, dark-gray rock which scientists think is most likely an iron-nickel meteorite. Scientists say if it isn’t a meteorite, then it obviously has to be a meteorong.
President Trump Signs Extreme Vetting Measures for Immigrants: In an effort to try and consolidate all his numerous threats against immigrants into a more cohesive directive, President Donald Trump has just signed an executive order to charge all extreme Muslim Mexicans entering this country an extra 20% on everything they buy here in the United States.
Neanderthals Lingered in Russia 8,000 Years Longer Than Thought: A recent study found that the Neanderthals apparently lingered in Russia about 8,000 years longer than what was previously believed. All I can say is they must have gotten into a pretty damn nice stash of vodka.
Brown Bear Painter Makes His Debut at Finnish Art Gallery: A 930-pound brown bear named Juuso had his debut exhibition at a gallery in Helsinki, featuring 11 pieces of original art work which he painted by using his paws and the fur on his body as paintbrushes. Wow, is this fur real? Most critics absolutely loved the paintings, while a few described looking at them as unbearable. Geez, that’s almost enough to send an artist into hibernation for the winter.
Robber Dies After Partner’s Bullet Ricochets Off Victims Face: San Francisco police say a robber is dead after his partner shot their victim in the face, but the bullet ricocheted off the victim’s face and struck the other robber dead. All I can say is, its almost never a good idea trying to rob Clark Kent.
New Data Show Mount Everest is Shrinking: New data indicate that the world’s tallest peak, Mount Everest has shrunk by 3.2 feet, mostly due to recent seismic activity. Hell, the way things are going, I figure even I could scale that puppy in another 2.1 million years.
Trump Once Again Claims Illegals Cost Him Popular Vote: President Trump used his first official meeting with congressional leaders to once again falsely claim to lawmakers that he would have won a majority vote if 3- 5 million illegal immigrants had not voted against him. You bet, and Trump also had the largest inauguration turnout in history - that is, if you include all the Russians.
Trump Team Brought Cheering Crowd to CIA Speech: U.S. officials confirmed to CBS News that Donald Trump’s team brought 40-or-so supporters to his speech at the CIA headquarters to sit and cheer in the first few rows. Geez, instead of giving Trump security briefings, perhaps the CIA ought to consider giving him “insecurity briefings.” I mean at this rate, how long before the guy starts strapping a cucumber to his inner thigh before public appearances?
Australia Zoo Urges People to Try and Capture Deadly Spiders: An Australian zoo is urging people to try and capture and donate deadly funnel-web spiders, to help replenish stocks of antidote which is running low after a spate of spider bites. Is it just me, or has anyone else ever though about the more you encourage ordinary people to try capturing these deadly spiders, the more antidote you’re gonna need?
