Los Angeles Zoo Worker Falls Into Gorilla Enclosure

Los Angeles Zoo Worker Falls Into Gorilla Enclosure: The Los Angeles Fire Department reports that a grounds worker at the Los Angeles Zoo fell into the gorilla enclosure, but was rescued unharmed. Not surprisingly, the gorillas were like “so who’s the 150 pound gorilla in the room?”

Pilot Charged With Flying Alaska Airlines Plane While Drunk: Authorities say a Newport Beach airline pilot has been arrested and charged with piloting an Alaska Airlines jet full of passengers while under the influence of alcohol. The FAA says he cut off another plane and was swerving all over the sky. I’m sensing an FWI on his record and mandatory Drunk Flight School.

Kansas Lawmaker Imposes Dress Code on Female Witnesses: A dress code imposed by a Republican Kansas Senate committee chairman that prohibits women testifying on bills from wearing low-cut necklines and miniskirts, but does not include any restrictions on men, is drawing ridicule from female legislators. You know this guy has to be a Republican, because a Democrat would INSIST women wear low-cut necklines and miniskirts.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Consumers Urged to Purchase Fire Extinguisher with Hoverboards: Because of numerous reports of fires across 19 states involving the ever-popular hoverboards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission is advising consumers to purchase a fire extinguisher when you buy one of the self-balancing boards. The fire risk has become so bad, the National Park Service is now advising hikers to pack a hoverboard in their gear, just in case they get lost or stranded and need to build a fire to stay warm.

Man’s Medical Condition Makes Him a Human Suction Cup: An Illinois man known as the “human suction cup” has turned his “mysterious” medical condition into a full-time job, a condition in which his skin acts like the suction cups on an octopus’ tentacles - allowing cans, bottles and other inanimate objects to stick to his head and other body parts without falling off. Wow, this guy’s job really sucks! Bet he’s under a lot of pressure. On a positive note, even if the sideshow gig doesn’t work out, he can always get work over at Hoover or Oreck.

Monster Winter Storm Batters Eastern Seaboard: A devastatingly powerful winter storm is wrecking havoc across the eastern seaboard, with some areas expecting upwards of 25 inches of snow. LA residents are quick to point out that the east coast isn’t the only place expecting menacing storms, as the greater Los Angeles area has a 20% chance of rain tomorrow. Despite the threat, determined residents are boldly proclaiming “we will survive.”

Sarah Palin Endorses Donald Trump: Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has scored his highest-profile endorsement yet in former vice presidential nominee and Tea Party favorite Sarah Palin. Its pretty obvious that the real winner here is - Tina Fey!

Drug Lord El Chapo Flirted with Mexican Actress: Transcripts of text messages between drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman and Mexican actress Kate del Castillo showed the drug lord was less interested in making a movie about his life than he was in flirting with the actress. Oh, those wacky drug lords with their flirting and all their cocaine. They crack me up.

Researchers Find Gene That Makes People Extremely Thin: British researchers say they’ve discovered a gene that predisposes a person’s body to be extremely thin. While I’m no scientist, I’m guessing that gene doesn’t occur very often in your typical Walmart shopper.

Sanders Edges Closer to Clinton in Iowa: As Bernie Sanders edges closer to Hillary Clinton in Iowa polls, its beginning to look as if his socialist platform may be his strongest asset rather than a liability. Perhaps, but my biggest concern is that should Sanders be elected, how can we be absolutely certain its really Bernie running the country and not Larry David?

Authorities Say Large Taco Order Exposed El Chapo: Mexican police say it was a large order of tacos that drew the suspicion of authorities and finally resulted in the capture of drug kingpin Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán. Am I missing something here? How can someone in Mexico draw suspicion ordering tacos? I guess the bottom line is, had he ordered a nice, healthy kale salad, he’d still be a free man today.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Fundamentalist Christian Group Builds Noah’s Ark Theme Park: Fundamentalist Christian organization Answers in Genesis (AiG) and its Australian-born president, Ken Ham are building a $101 million Noah’s Ark theme park on a 99-acre parcel of land in Kentucky, which will include a dinosaur-riding Jesus. Why build a Noah’s Ark theme park in Kentucky? I’m no Biblical scholar, but I’d have built the place in Portland or Seattle. Hell, 40 days and 40 nights of rain would be a piece of cake up there.

Man Suffers Serious Burns After E-Cigarette Explodes: A Newport Beach man has suffered third-degree burns to his hand after the e-cigarette he was smoking exploded and burst into flames. Poor guy didn’t realize that the “e” in those e-cigarettes he purchased must have stood for “exploding.”

Opposition to Government Plan to Restore Mexican Gray Wolves: Opposition to Federal plans to restore endangered Mexican gray wolves in the Southwest is building in Colorado and Utah, where ranchers and officials are fiercely resisting any attempt to reintroduce the predators. The Feds say now that they’ve heard the rancher’s side of the story, the next step will be sending Sean Penn to interview the leader of the Mexican wolves.