Arts & Entertainment
Male Pectoral Sandpipers Travel Huge Distances to Mate
A satirical look at current events!
Male Pectoral Sandpipers Travel Huge Distances to Mate: According to a new study, the male pectoral sandpiper will travel on average over 1,900 miles attempting to mate with females in northernmost Alaska. Female sandpipers complain that after the males finish mating, its basically “Bye, Bye Birdie.”
New York Attorney General Sues Memory Pill Maker: The New York Attorney General is seeking to ban a popular memory loss dietary supplement marketed to seniors called Prevagen, saying there's no scientific evidence to support its claims. Maybe it just doesn’t work on New Yorkers? Hell, if it were me, I’d simply tell them I don’t even remember claiming the pill works.
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French Police Arrest 17 in Kim Kardashian Jewel Robbery: Three months after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint during Paris Fashion Week, police have taken at least 17 suspects into custody for possible links to the $10 million jewel robbery. Shortly after the arrests, French police issued a statement pointing out that “frequently, criminals like these leave behind no witnesses, unfortunately for the rest of us - this time they did.”
Internet Abuze Over Collision of Earth and Planet Nibiru: There is serious concern being expressed all over the internet about Earth and the planet Nibiru being on a collision course for October 2017, even though astronomers say the planet Nibiru doesn’t even exist. Sorry conspiracy theorists, but as far as I’m concerned - it's not truth until it comes in the form of a late night tweet from Donald Trump. PS - don’t expect your homeowner’s insurance to cover damage caused by the end of the world.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Donald Trump Jr’s Battle to Make Silencers More Available: Donald Trump Jr. has been actively campaigning for the “Hearing Protection Act,” a bill which would make the purchase of gun silencers much easier, which is being framed as a public health issue to protect eardrums. I see his point, because about the last thing we need with healthcare protections about to go out the window is a bunch of Mafia hitmen running around with hearing disabilities.
New Study Links Swearing With Honesty: New research found that the more people swear, the more honest they are likely to be, describing swearing as the “unfiltered, genuine expression of emotions.” Well then, I must be one honest SOB! Move over Abe Lincoln. And while some religious groups are questioning the validity of the study, researchers swear its all true.
New Smart Hairbrush Has Mic That Listens to Your Hair: CES has just witnessed the launch of the world’s first smart hairbrush - a $200 “hair coach” which includes WiFi and a microphone that listens as you brush your hair - “providing insights into manageability, frizziness, dryness, split-ends and breakage.” I don’t know about you, but I can think of better things to do with $200 then get insulted by some persnickety hairbrush. Besides, I’ve never tried to speak to my hair before. Who knows if it even speaks English? Be my luck it’d try and accuse me of “follicular homicide.”
Auto Industry Pursuing a Hyper-Personal Experience: The word out of CES is that in the not-so-distant future, vehicles will not only be safer and more efficient, they will also be our companion, watching our every move with empathy. You’re kidding - a car with empathy? So now, I suppose if you eat too much and get gas, that means your car will wanna get gas too?
Apple’s Cash Reserves at Record Levels: Its being reported that Apple, the world’s largest technology company, now has more cash reserves on hand than the United States government. In response, President-elect Donald Trump announced plans to convert the Capitol Building into a huge Apple Store.
Mysterious Sea Creature Washes Ashore In Spain: Local residents were shocked after an incredibly strange-looking 13-foot-long, horned sea creature washed ashore on a beach in the southern coastal town of Villaricos, Spain. Those who’ve observed the creature describe it as a cross between the Loch Ness Monster and something Anthony Weiner might tweet.
Ohio Woman Busted After Soliciting Sex for Nachos: An Ohio woman has been arrested in the parking lot of Beaver Township’s Los Gallos Mexican Restaurant after telling an undercover cop that she would provide a sex act for $60 and a large order of nachos. Wow, that’s really cheesy, but then again - this is Beaver Township - what do ya expect? Police say the fact that she requested both food and money proves she’s obviously nacho typical prostitute. And if she’d do that for nachos, makes you wonder what she’d do for a Klondike bar? I’m assuming the undercover cop had enough hard evidence to make the arrest.
German Doctors Advise Public to Walk Like Penguins: German trauma surgeons are advising the public to walk like penguins and lean the torso forward to avoid slipping on pavements during freezing temperatures. Yea, it starts innocently enough with walking like penguins, and before you know it - they’re goose-stepping again.
Carrie Fisher’s Ashes Placed in Giant Prozac Pill Urn: Actress and author Carrie Fisher’s ashes were placed in one of her most prized possessions - a white and green Prozac pill-shaped urn. Perfect for her - may the Fluoxetine be with you. That said - being a huge coffee lover, I’d prefer to end up in an old Chock full o’Nuts can. After all, let us not forget Chock full o’Nuts is that “heavenly coffee.”
