Man Sues His Date for Texting During a Movie

Man Sues His Date for Texting During a Movie: A Texas man is suing the date he met online for the $17.31 movie ticket price because she was texting during a showing of Guardians of the Galaxy at a local Austin theater. The woman’s defense is that if President Trump can conduct US foreign policy on his cellphone and Twitter, why shouldn’t she be able to text during a Guardians of the Galaxy movie?

Miss USA Claims Healthcare is a Privilege - Not a Right: The new Miss USA, Kára McCullough, created a huge controversy after responding to a healthcare question by saying she felt that “health care is a ‘privilege, not a right.” Then I hope I’m privileged, because people who think like her really make me sick.

Study Says Women Find Men with Beards More Attractive: A new study published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology found that females find men with facial hair and beards more attractive than men without. Hell, no wonder those Al-Qaeda guys are such babe-magnets.

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Scientists Say Babies From Skin Cells Will Soon Be Possible: Researchers say that within a decade or two, they will likely be able to create a baby from human skin cells that have been coaxed to grow into eggs and sperm and used to create embryos to implant in a womb. While this may be controversial to some, its no skin off my back. Besides, creating more babies makes a lot of sense when you consider how dangerously underpopulated the world is.

Torch-Wielding Protesters Gather to Oppose Removal of Confederate Monument: A group of torch-wielding protestors, led by self-proclaimed white nationalist Richard Spencer, chanted slogans like “you will not replace us” while demonstrating against plans to remove a Confederate monument to Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville, Virginia. Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he just doesn’t understand what anyone would have against Gen. Lee, adding that you can probably even find some people who will be opposed to the new Dylann Roof statue we have planned for the White House lawn.

Bill Gates Calls the Mosquito Deadliest Creature on Earth: According to the Bill Gates Foundation, the deadliest creature on earth is not humans, but the mosquito which kills 725,000 people a year and incapacitates another 200 million people. And that may be just “scratching” the surface.

Argentine Dreadnoughtus is Largest Dino Ever Found: Researchers are studying the remains of a Dreadnoughtus, a four-legged beast with a long neck, a powerful 29-foot tail, who’s total length stretched about 85 feet and weighed about 65 tons, seven times the weight of the largest male African elephant alive today. Scientists say if something like this were alive today, you’d probably find it roaming the aisles of Walmart in stretch pants and a halter top.

Neurobiologists Say Human Sense of Smell Isn’t Bad: Neurobiologists say new research suggests that being able to sniff and smell may not be as weak in the human species as is commonly believed. Yea, well let’s hope by the time we have another election, voters will know how to smell a rat.

Train Runs Over Couple Having Sex on the Tracks: Local police say a middle-aged couple in central Ukraine was run over by a switching locomotive while having sex on the tracks. This is exactly why people should never have sex on railroad tracks unless they’re properly “trained."

Recent Mystery Signal From Space Has Scientists Baffled: A new mystery signal from deep space has been detected using the Parkes radio telescope in Australia, leaving scientists baffled as to where it came from and what caused it. While NASA was unable to fully translate the signal, its seemed to be saying something to the effect of “Earthlings, if you get this in time - please don’t vote for that big fat, lying, narcissistic, lunatic bastard Trump."

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Study Shows Everything We Know About Salt May Be Wrong: New studies conducted on Russian cosmonauts suggest that - contrary to common belief - salt doesn't really make you thirsty and it could actually have beneficial effects including burning body fat. Scientists say going forward, anyone worth their salt will need to know this.

Study Finds Americans Not Eating Out Anymore: More than half of all Americans say they've not gone out to eat in the past year, in what may be one of the clearest reflections yet of how the depressed economy is restricting choices for consumers. No kidding! About the only way I can afford to eat out these days would be if I eat out of a garbage can.

Study Finds Sex Only Burns a Moderate Amount of Calories: Researchers found that sex is only a moderate exercise and doesn’t expend nearly as many calories as a more vigorous activity such as jogging. Surprisingly, despite the health benefits, 99.9% of the study volunteers say they still preferred sex to jogging.