Military Attempt Coup in Turkey: Turkey was plunged into chaos after elements of the military launched a coup attempt, with tanks deployed in major cities and people swarming onto the streets to support the elected government of President Erdogan. In response, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced if he were president, he would immediately place all turkeys under surveillance and take all necessary measures to prevent any additional turkeys from entering the country.
Man Saws Arms at Los Angeles Home Depot: A man began sawing his arms at a Los Angeles area Home Depot - cutting them down to the bone - as horrified customers watched the scene play out, helpless to stop it until paramedics arrived to help the man. Now I’m no carpenter, but there must be a better way to test saws at Home Depot. When asked why no one tried to help, customers say they never "saw" it coming and described the whole incident as “disarming.” On a positive note, at least the guy didn't try to drive himself to the hospital.
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Volcano Near Rome Rumbles Back to Life: Seismologists report that an ancient volcano, just outside Rome and previously believed to be long extinct, is rumbling back to life. Local officials are desperately trying to find a virgin to placate the volcano, but are asking for the public’s patience, as this could take some time.
Pakistan Social Media Star Baloch Killed By Brother: Officials say Pakistani social media celebrity Qandeel Baloch, whose selfies polarized the deeply conservative Muslim country, has been murdered by her brother in a suspected honor killing. Hell, I suspect I have more than a few family members who’d love to kill me over my social media posts too, but luckily for me, honor killings are out because my family has no honor.
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Study Finds Antidepressants Help Treat Hot Flashes: A new clinical trial shows that antidepressant medications appear to be an effective alternative for women whose lives are disrupted by frequent hot flashes. And the beauty of it all is that even if the drugs don’t get rid of your hot flashes, at least you won’t be depressed about it.
Study Claims Marrying An Intelligent Woman Fights Dementia: A new study found that men can help protect themselves from dementia by marrying an intelligent woman, which apparently acts as a “buffer” against the disease. At first I was a bit skeptical, but it seems to have worked out well for Donald Trump. Well, I guess that means I’m basically screwed. Let’s face it folks, if a woman’s stupid enough to marry me, she isn’t gonna do much to ward-off dementia.
Trump Postpones VP Announcement Due to French Truck Attack: Presumptive Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump postponed a news conference to announce his running mate due to the terrorist truck attack in France. That makes a lot of sense. After all, his candidacy has been more of a train wreck than a truck wreck.
KKK Recruiting in San Francisco’s Famed Haight District: In an attempt to cash in on the recent racial strife plaguing the nation, the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan have been distributing recruitment leaflets in the ultra-liberal Haight District of San Francisco. Perhaps someone ought to mention to the Klan that even though they’re pronounced the same, the “Haight District” is not actually San Francisco’s “Hate District.”
George W. Bush’s Dancing Raises Eyebrows at Dallas Memorial: Former president George W. Bush raised some eyebrows as he jubilantly danced through the choir’s rendition of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at what was supposed to be a somber ceremony for the five slain Dallas police officers. And who can blame him? Its probably the most fun he’s had since he invaded Iraq!
Boomer Women Give More to Charity: According to a new report, baby boomer women give significantly more of their total income to charity than the general population. Sure, but those results are way over-inflated after you factor in that every time a female goes out with some poor slob like me, its considered a charitable act.
Study Says Men’s Deep Voices Are Not to Attract Females: Researchers at Pennsylvania State University say that men's deep, resonant voices did not evolve to impress females, but rather to intimidate and scare off male rivals. Frankly, when it comes to attracting females, I’m not so sure about deep voices, but deep pockets sure seem to help.
