New Species of Wolf, Coyote and Dog Evolving: Wildlife biologists say that wolves, faced with a diminishing number of potential mates, are mating with other similar animals and that a whole new species of wolf, coyote and dogs is evolving right before our eyes in the eastern United States. Oh great, that’s all we need - thanks Obama! An angry Mike Huckabee says that while there’s little we can do to stop them from mating, we should never allow them to legally marry.
Preservationists Raising Money for Alamo Facelift: Preservationists are attempting to raise $300 million, so that the famed symbol of Texas independence - the Alamo - will be able to undergo what many say is a long needed facelift. Sounds like what they really need is one of those big, corporate sponsorships. I tell ya, nothing quite says “American frontier” like the “JP Morgan Chase Alamo.”
Boxer In Gay Porn Video Claims He Was Drugged: Professional middleweight boxer and father-of-ten Yusaf Mack first denied, then claimed that he was drugged and forced to do gay porn after it became public that he had appeared in a gay porn video. Of course, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but wouldn’t the old “identical twin separated at birth” excuse have worked better? When pushed for details about how he they drugged him, Mack’s attorney said there’s no reason to give a blow-by-blow description, adding that Mack is hoping to put all this gay porn stuff behind him!
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Beverly Hills Fined for Not Conserving Enough Water: California has fines upscale Beverly Hills $61,000 for not forcing residents to conserve enough water during the state’s unrelenting four-year drought. OK, but let’s be honest here, in a town like Beverly Hills, $61,000 isn’t a fine - its an annoyance.
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Kangaroo Attacks 94-Year-Old Woman in Australia: Police in Australia had to use pepper spray to ward off a rogue kangaroo, after a 94-year-old woman who was hanging laundry in her backyard. Lawyers say they fear authorities may attempt to put the animal on trail in a “kangaroo court.”
Brigham Young Voted Country’s Top Sober School: Brigham Young University has just been named the most “sober school in America” for the 18th year in a row. Yea, Brigham Young is probably the only school anywhere that when students talk about “doing shots,” they’re talking about going to the rifle range.
AMA Votes to View Obesity as a Disease: The American Medical Association has voted to declare obesity a disease. Good grief! If that really the case, then we’ve got a disease running New Jersey.
Reno Struggles as Gambling Revenues Fall: A faded Reno is struggling to reinvent itself as gambling revenues are in a deep decline. Economists say that Reno has been able to survive because of its diversified economy - in other words, the hookers are still doing well.
Next iPhone to Have Thinner Screen: A published report in the Wall Street Journal claims that next year’s iPhone will most likely have a much thinner screen than previous models. Insiders say Apple is hoping the new iPhone can drop at least two screen sizes by September.
WHO Says Two-Thirds of World’s Population Have Herpes: The World Health Organization reports that two-thirds of the world’s population under 50 have the highly infectious herpes virus that causes cold sores around the mouth. Surprisingly, the organization says only about a third of those cases can be traced back to the Kardashians.
Monica Lewinsky Shopping for Book Deal: The New York Post reports that Monica Lewinsky, the woman at the center of the former President Clinton’s impeachment scandal, has been shopping around a top-secret book. Those who’ve seen the manuscript say its pretty obvious that even her writing sucks.
