Arts & Entertainment
New Study Claims Pot Could Lead to Cardiac Risks
A satirical look at current events!
New Study Claims Pot Could Lead to Cardiac Risks: According to a new study just released, researchers at Philadelphia’s Einstein Medical Center say there may be a connection between marijuana use and increased cardiac risks - including stroke. Well of course pot can lead to heart failure - especially when you first realize you’ve run out! Hell, the way I look at it, if Trump’s election didn't give me a heart attack, there’s not much chance smoking a joint’s gonna kill me.
Colossal 3,000-Year-Old Statue Unearthed in Cairo: In what is being called a most important archaeological find, a team of archaeologists from Egypt and Germany have removed the head of a giant 3,000-year-old statue thought to depict Ramses II, and are now trying to figure out how to remove the huge torso portion of the statue. The archaeologists faced community criticism for removing parts of the statue with a crane, but countered by saying “hey, it isn’t our fault Ramses II had such a fat ass.”
Trump Claiming He Didn’t Know Flynn an Agent for Turkey: The White House is claiming that President Trump did not know until this week his former national security adviser, Michael Flynn, had been working as an agent for Turkey, although the information was told to the Trump team before Donald Trump took office. Gee, stuff like that could almost lead someone to conclude that perhaps it might not be the refugees who need the "extreme vetting.”
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Roadside Cafe Swamped After Mistakenly Given Michelin Star: A funky, small, roadside cafe in central France reportedly found itself inundated with diners and TV crews last week after it was awarded a coveted Michelin star by mistake. That’s crazy to feel you have to run and eat somewhere just because of some Michelin thing! Hell, my mechanic’s shop carries a full line of Michelin, but I’d never even think of eating there.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
WikiLeaks Claims CIA can Spy on You Through Your TV: The latest release from WikiLeaks claims the CIA has a plethora of tools which they can use to hack a variety of everyday devices – from phones, to cars, to televisions – reminding us of the fragile state of Internet security. I don’t know about my TV, but I’m pretty sure the government may be spying on me through my blowdryer. Hell, every time I turn it on, I feel a blast of hot air.
Bacteria Programed to Do Computing: In what could completely change the nature of computing, scientists at UC San Francisco have programed bacteria to act and perform like computers, offering a whole new realm of possibilities. On the downside, you’ll need to go on a round of antibiotics every time you want to use your computer.
Later Retirement May Help Prevent Dementia: New research found that people who delay retirement have less risk of developing Alzheimer's disease or other types of dementia, according to a study of nearly half a million people. Hell, I plan to keep working long after I develop dementia. There shouldn’t be any noticeable difference in my performance.
Travel Magazine Accidentally Encourages Shroom Consumption: Arizona Highways, Arizona’s “award-winning” travel magazine published an article encouraging travelers to check out the edible fly agaric mushroom, not realizing that the mushroom - when eaten raw - has unpredictable psychedelic effects. Publishers defended their recommendation by saying their only intent was to help people traveling in the area to fully enjoy their “trip.”
Alberta Residents Shocked by Pink Water: Residents of Onoway, Alberta were startled to see neon pink water begin flowing out of their taps in the small Canadian town earlier this week which officials are blaming on potassium permanganate - a chemical used in water treatment. Why it looks exactly like Kool-Aid. What could be the problem? It looks safe as hell. Sadly, I mean that literally!
Ben Carson Refers to Slaves as Immigrants: In his first speech as the new secretary of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), Dr Ben Carson referred to slaves brought to the United States against their will as "immigrants," drawing quick condemnation from civil rights groups who cast his remarks as offensive. Now I’m no expert on immigration, but I’m sensing those would be about the only “immigrants” in history who would beg to get deported back to where they originally came from.
Solar Storms Remove Electrons From Earth’s Atmosphere: New research found that, contrary to scientific expectations, solar storms actually remove electrons from the Earth’s atmosphere. Even so, I still try and stay positive about solar storms.
Japan Claims North Korea Fired Four Ballistic Missiles: Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe says North Korea has fired four ballistic missiles, three of which landed in Japan's Exclusive Economic Zone. Military analysts say those weren’t missiles in the traditional sense, but simply four more of Kim Jong Un’s relatives who had the misfortune of falling out of favor.
Trump Claims Obama Had Him Wiretapped: In a blast of really bizarre early morning tweets, President Trump claimed that former President Obama had him wiretapped at Trump Tower just before the election. Sources say the President found the wiretap device planted just under the drawer where he stores former President Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.
Target to Sell Affordable Wedding Dresses: Target has announced that they now will be selling a line of affordable wedding dresses. Wedding planners call this a great idea - for anyone who wants their wedding to become a “target” of ridicule.
Trump Budget Asks for Deep Cuts to Climate Science: According to the Washington Post, the White House is seeking deep cuts to National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s budget (NOAA), a leading climate science agency. When questioned about the cuts, President Trump told reporters “From now on, I’ll be the one who decides whether to study the weather. We don’t need a bunch of ”NOAA-it-alls telling us what to do.”
Arnold Leaving Celebrity Apprentice: Arnold Schwarzenegger has issued a statement stating he is leaving NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice, suggesting the show has too much baggage because Donald Trump is still involved with the show. Gee, I wonder if that means he’ll will be leaving the US too? Word has it Trump is now deeply involved with that too.
Parts of London Evacuated as Huge WW II Bomb Found: Two schools and residents in a North West London suburb have been evacuated as army bomb disposal teams attempt to disarm a 500-lb. World War II bomb found at a building site. Hell, just go ahead and detonate it and you’ve got the hole for your underground parking structure already dug for you.
