Osteen Claims Megachurch Didn’t Open Doors Because Houston Didn’t Ask

Osteen Claims Megachurch Didn't Open Doors Because Houston Didn't Ask: Pastor Joel Osteen has been making the rounds of the talk show circuit, offering his explanation as to why he didn’t offer his 16,800-seat megachurch in Houston as a shelter sooner for those displaced by the disastrous flooding from Hurricane Harvey. In Osteen’s defense, he probably thought there’s no point in dirtying up his church while there’s still a possibility open that someone could find Noah’s Ark.

Kensington Palace Announces William & Kate's New Royal Duties: Now that their kids are headed to school, Kensington Palace has announced a lineup of duties that Prince William and Kate Middleton will take on this fall. And while I enjoy making jokes about the Royals, truth be known - the only throne I really care about is the one in my bathroom. Otherwise, we’re just talking about a family of the richest public assistance recipients on earth.

Pet Turtles Blamed for Multi-State Salmonella Outbreak: The CDC says pet turtles are at the heart of a multi-state outbreak of salmonella, cautioning people that “if you do handle a turtle, be sure to wash your hands thoroughly immediately afterward.” Turtles are causing salmonella? Why I’m totally shell-shocked! Sure CDC - let’s blame the turtles when they know they’re too slow to get away from the accusations. Meanwhile, I guess all the salmon get a free pass, even though the disease is right there in their name.

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President and First Lady’s Hurricane Outfits Cause Stir: After landing in Texas to tour the hurricane devastation, the President and First Lady caused a bit of a stir with his country club casual wardrobe and her silk bomber jacket and “CFM pumps.” Wait a minute, that’s not fair! I think the President and First Lady have a pretty good sense of what to wear in the midst of total carnage and devastation. I mean, they move about the White House every single day, which I think most experts would agree has been a complete and utter disaster since the President moved in back in January.

Trump Attacks US Treaties With Japan: During a recent appearance, Donald Trump criticized the treaties the US has with Japan by claiming “if we’re attacked, Japan doesn’t have to do anything. They can sit home and watch their Sony televisions.” Well, on a positive note, if the US is attacked, at least the Japanese will have something more interesting than old Godzilla movies to watch on those Sony TVs.

Woman Kills Man by Squeezing His Testicles: A Chinese man was reportedly killed when a woman squeezed his testicles until he collapsed during a fight over a parking space. Geez, that’s just nuts! Talk about trying to squeeze your way into a parking space!

Study Finds Four Cups of Coffee Per Day Lowers Death Risk: A new study from Spanish researchers found that higher coffee consumption is linked to a lower risk of death, with those who drink at least four cups of coffee per day having a 64% lower risk of death than those who did not or hardly consumed coffee. Of course, there’s also a strong likelihood you’ll never sleep again, but you will live longer. I’m guessing you’ll simply be way too wired to die.

Yoga Mats Linked to Infertility in Women: A Harvard University study says its found a link between infertility in women and the flame retardant chemicals used in yoga mats. In related news, the Trump Administration is now recommending women consider using yoga mats instead of more costly birth control measures.

Bill Nye Sues Disney Over $9M Underpayment: Television personality and scientist Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing Disney and several of its subsidiaries claiming the conglomerate underpaid him by at least $9 million for his popular television series. Sources close to the situation say snarky Disney executives told Bill Nye “We paid you correctly, just do the math.” And so, much to Disney’s chagrin - he did. Bottom line - you don’t wanna tell a science guy to “do the math.”

New Study Determines Average Penis Size: A new survey of 1,661 men found that the average size of an American man's penis is 5.6 inches (14.2 centimeters) long when erect. The study also found that just because someone acts like a big dick doesn’t necessarily mean they have a large penis. Either way, its seems rather sad when you miss the cut by only a few inches.

Burning Calories Associated With More Gray Matter for Elderly: According to a recent U.S. study, older people who expend more energy on physical activity each week tend to have more gray matter in their brains than their less active peers. But the study also found that while sedentary elderly folks may not have had as much gray matter as those who exercised, they did seem to have every bit as much gray hair.

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Many People in Harvey’s Path Refused to Evacuate: Emergency officials in Texas say they were deeply concerned by the large number of people in Hurricane Harvey’s path who chose not to follow instructions and evacuate. And who can blame them? I mean, when you decide to give a dangerous hurricane the same name as your accountant, how’s someone supposed to take that seriously?

Gap Closing More North American Stores: The struggling clothing chain Gap Inc. announced they will soon be closing 189 of their North American locations. Leasing agents are hopeful some other retail chain will step up and fill in the Gap.

French Surgeons Reattach Woman's Arms After Train Accident: Surgeons have reattached a woman’s arms after they were severed by a train - a rare operation and the first time in France that both limbs were worked on at the same time. Now, the real test of the surgery’s success will be if she will now be able to keep the hospital’s billing department at an arm’s length.