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Pat Robertson Warns God Will Flood US Over Gay Marriage
A satirical look at current events!
Pat Robertson Warns God Will Flood US Over Gay Marriage: Televangelist Pat Robertson has warned his TV audience that if the gays are permitted to continue getting married, God will flood all 50 states. In related news, NASA climatologists now are urging gays who wish to marry, to please consider doing so only in the country’s drought-stricken areas.
Report Condemns NFL Attempt to Influence Brain Injury Study: According to congressional investigators, top NFL officials campaigned to influence a government research study into the effects of American football on brain disease. In related news, lawyers for Tom Brady suggest that many of the brain injuries may be due to players being hit in the head with footballs that are overinflated.
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Russian Cannibal Suspect Arrested in Moscow: A suspected cannibal, believed to be behind the appearance of dismembered body parts found throughout Moscow, was arrested after authorities discovered half-eaten human body parts stored in his refrigerator. Police investigators say the half-eaten body parts indicate the man was most likely a much better killer than he was a cook.
Philadelphia Inquirer Cuts Opinion Page: Sources close to the paper say that The Philadelphia Inquirer plans to dramatically cut its opinion section next month. When asked how they felt about the cuts, Inquirer staffers said they have no strong opinions on the matter.
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Study Finds Conservative Republicans Have Best Sex: According to Match.com Sex Survey, conservative Republicans reported having the highest frequency of sexual orgasm of all of the survey respondents, despite having the least amount of sex. When asked about the study, a Democratic Party spokesperson said that’s because when it comes to screwing someone, no one does it quite like a conservative Republican.
Mexico OK’s Extradition of El Chapo to US: Mexico has approved the extradition of Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán to the US to face trial and prison. Republicans say this is proof that Donald Trump was right all along. Mexico is sending us their criminals, murderers and drug dealers.
Group Demands Lawmakers Oppose Mythical Human-Animal Hybrids: The Kansas City Star is reporting that the anti-abortion political action group “Kansans for Life” is demanding that the state’s lawmakers take a firm stance against human-animal hybrids. The organization is so strongly opposed to human-animal hybrids, they plan to ask law enforcement to refrain from putting a tail on crime suspects. What’s odd about all this is I would assume most people are against these subhuman mutations, devoid of any conscience or feelings of compassion, but yet the people in Kansas seem to keep voting for them. In related news, a spokesperson for Batman, Spiderman and Cat Woman declared “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Trump Delegate Indicted on Weapons and Child Porn Charges: A 30-year-old Maryland Donald Trump delegate to the 2016 Republican National Convention has been indicted on federal charges of using a minor to make child pornography, illegal possession of a machine gun and illegal transport of explosives. Good grief, sounds like this guy had enough weaponry to qualify for Trump’s Secretary of Defense! Meanwhile, some Republicans are starting to complain that when Trump sends delegates to the Republican convention, he's not sending his best - he’s sending gun runners, he’s sending explosives peddlers, he’s sending pedophiles. And some - I assume - are good people. In his defense, while guns are not allowed at the GOP convention, they didn't say anything about porn or explosives.
Louisiana Bill Would Set Weight Limits for Strippers: A new bill offered before the Louisiana legislature would have required that strippers be “between twenty-one and twenty-eight years of age and shall be no more that one hundred sixty pounds in weight.” Gee, I wonder what the strippers think about this - somebody ought to take a “pole.”
Oklahoma Declares State of Emergency Over Trans Kids Using Restrooms: Oklahoma lawmakers have just passed a bill rejecting the federal government’s directive on trans-inclusive restroom access and then declared a state of emergency over the matter. Wow, lots of goings on in Redneckistan these days. My question is, did they declare a State of Emergency or a State of Stupidity? In a place like Oklahoma, its kind of hard to tell.
New Horned Dinosaur Species Discovered in Southern Utah: A novice fossil collector's lucky find in a remote area of southern Utah more than a decade ago has turned out to be a new species of spectacularly-horned dinosaur called Machairoceratops that lived 76 million years ago. What’s up with naming it Machairoceratops? What, are they trying to mock dyslexics? Was Horny McHornface already taken? What’s wrong with paleontologists these days?
World Has More Working Cellphones Than Working Toilets: According to a United Nations survey, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. That’s easy enough to fix. Hell, just use the cellphones to call a plumber.
Hawaii Study Aims to Understand Why Sharks Bite: After an unusual amount of shark attacks in waters surrounding Maui, researchers in Hawaii set out to understand what is the reason sharks are biting so many people so much in that area. Let me get this straight - they’re trying to understand why predators bite? I’m gonna take a wild guess here and say that the one’s who don’t bite starve to death and don’t get to reproduce. If you ask me, what we really need to study are the people who seem to have no idea why sharks bite.
