Poll Finds 1/3 of Republicans Favor Bombing Fictional Agrabah

Poll Finds 1/3 of Republicans Favor Bombing Fictional Agrabah: A new poll found that nearly one-third of Republican primary voters would support bombing the kingdom of Agrabah, the fictional country in the cartoon Aladdin. Striking a more conciliatory tone, another third polled say they would love to vacation there if only airfares would go back down. In stark contrast, many Democrats insisted that all diplomatic channels be exhausted before the order to bomb is issued. One thing both parties seemed to agree upon was that if you’re going to bomb a place like Agrabah, “carpet bombing” would probably be the most effective.

Woolly Mammoth May be Resurrected in Just 7 Years: Dr. George Church, a molecular biologist at Harvard University estimates that a variation of the first new woolly mammoth (which disappeared some 4,000 years ago) may be born as soon as seven years from now. Which of course raises all kinds of ethical questions, such as will PetSmart have the shelf-space available to stock enough food to feed them?

Millions of Threatening Small Asteroids Remain Uncatalogued: NASA scientists are expressing concern that there are millions of small asteroids that could threaten our world which still remain uncatalogued. Yea, no doubt we’d all feel a lot safer just knowing that there’s a file on them setting somewhere in some government archive.

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Funeral Director Arrested After Bodies Found in Garage: A funeral director has been arrested and charged with “abuse of a corpse” after three decomposing bodies were found in her garage. Of corpse she’s denying the charges.

Pizza Shop Owner Busted for Trying to Recruit for ISIS: A Yemen-born pizza shop owner in New York State has been sentenced to 22 ½ years in prison after he admitted trying to recruit fighters for the Islamic State group in Syria through his pizza shop. Yea, but I guess the real question here is, can he deliver jihad in 30 minutes or less?

Study Finds British Teeth No Worse Than US: New research suggests that contrary to popular belief, Americans do not have better teeth than the English. Can’t say I’m surprised. After all, the UK still has a monarchy which means much of their society centers around “the Crown.”

Teotihuacan Used Lots of Cosmetics in Death Rituals: Archaeologists say exhumed ancient Teotihuacan corpses suggest that they dignified their dead by applying huge amounts of cosmetics to their faces at burial. Sounds to me like they may have exhumed Tammy Faye Baker by mistake.

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Boston Company Turning Roadkill into Fashion: A Boston Company has come up with a unique fashion idea, making neck muffs, leg warmers, hats, purses and more from roadkill, which owner and designer Pamela Paquin labels - “accidental fur.” Yea, well I’m wise to her game - driving around at night with no headlights on. The company as yet hasn’t issued a financial statement, but its been rumored she’s making a killing on this venture.

Texas Plumber Sues Over jihad Truck: A Texas plumber is suing a car dealership after the Ford F-250 he traded in ended up in the hands of Syrian jihadists on TV with his company logo and phone number still prominently displayed on the vehicle. Proving once again “you can never trust a used car dealer.” All I can say is, it would be interesting to pull the car-fax on this truck now.

Isis Pharmaceuticals to Change Its Name: After deliberating for most of the year, Isis Pharmaceuticals Inc announced it has changed its name to IONS, in order to avoid being confused with the Islamist militant group known as ISIS. Interesting - I’ve never heard of them, but I’m guessing they make drugs to treat beheadings. Sadly, the following day, ISIS announced they’re changing their name to the Islamic Order of Nation States, or IONS.