Scientists Taking Gray Whale Census: Scientists will soon be visiting California’s Monterey Bay to do a census count on the migration of the Eastern North Pacific gray whale. Angry researchers say they’ve been forced to make the trip because the lazy whales just couldn’t be bothered to take the time to fill-out their damn census forms.
Ben Carson’s Campaign Manager and 20 Staffers Quit: Republican Ben Carson’s 2016 presidential bid has been thrown into chaos after his campaign manager and some 20 other staff members quit amid infighting, dropping poll numbers and negative media coverage. No kidding! It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know that Ben Carson’s campaign is over! Or does it?
LA Speed Dating Organization Shut Down: The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Deputies have raided and closed down the offices of a popular speed dating organization. Police say they discovered the speed daters were using methamphetamines.
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Trump Calls for Return of Waterboarding by US: Republican frontrunner Donald Trump called for the return of waterboarding - a near-drowning interrogation technique widely denounced as torture - saying it was just “peanuts” compared to what Islamic State is doing. Of course here in LA, the practice would most likely be more like “bottled waterboarding,” especially since we’re in the middle of a drought.
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Peking Man Sophisticated and Meticulous About Clothing: Anthropologists say that artifacts suggest that one of our distant relatives known as Peking Man was most likely sophisticated and meticulous about their clothing. Yea, I shudder to imagine the pain and humiliation associated with wearing a wrinkled or stained mammoth pelt.
Woman Too Old To List Age on Facebook: A 104-year-old woman is complaining to Facebook that she couldn’t post her real age because the birthdate drop-down menu only goes back as far as 1910. Why bother complaining? Hell, by the time she finishes scrolling down to her year, she’ll be dead anyway.
Man Dies After Roach-Eating Contest: Authorities say the winner of a roach-eating contest in South Florida died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms. On a positive note, now he’ll no longer have to live a life of eating live roaches.
Baby Reaches Out From Womb To Grab Doctor’s Finger: In a photo that is going viral, a baby reached out of her mother’s womb and grabbed her doctor’s finger in the midst of a C-section delivery. In related news, the doctor has filed a sexual harassment suit against the baby for unwanted touching.
Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter Celebrates Anniversary: NASA is reporting that its Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is now celebrating its seventh anniversary of circling the red planet. Good grief, you’d think after 7 years, they’d finally get permission to land.
California Has Highest Gas Prices: AAA is reporting that California has passed Alaska and Hawaii for having the most expensive gas prices in the nation. Fortunately, because people in California do very little driving, the impact is expected to be marginal.
Zoo Tigers Involved in Deadly Love Triangle: Zoo officials say a female tiger has apparently killed her mate at a West Texas zoo in a rare attack that occurred after months of a simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle. Authorities say if the allegations can be proven, this zoo tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars.
Amtrak May Soon Have Special Car for Pet Owners: Amtrak trains may soon use a special car where passengers can sit with their pets while traveling. Trouble is, now they’re gonna need another car to use as a littler box.
Study Finds Obesity Rates Highest in Rural Areas: A new study published in the Journal of Rural Health found that 40 percent of adults living in rural areas are obese compared with 33 percent of adults living in urban areas. No kidding! Sure, people living on the farms get first dibs on all the food.
Court Turns Down NH Couple Seeking to Undo Divorce: The New Hampshire Supreme Court upheld a lower court ruling refusing to undo (vacate) a couple’s 2014 divorce after 24 years of marriage. You mean to tell me marriage isn’t just like “friending” or “un-friending” someone on Facebook? Of course the solution is really quite simple - just fly to Vegas, find yourself an Elvis impersonator and get remarried.
Astronaut Dials Wrong Number From International Space Station: NASA reports that one of the astronauts aboard the International Space Station was trying to call a family member on Christmas Eve, but accidentally dialed the wrong number. A wrong number from outer space? I had no idea Steve Harvey was up there. All I know is, I wouldn’t want to pay those roaming charges.
Home Depot to Hire 8,000 New Employees: Home Depot has just announced plans to hire 8,000 new employees. They almost have to, because, as any Home Depot shopper knows, its nearly impossible to figure out where any of their current employees are hiding.
No Nutritional Advantage to Expensive Organic Food: A new study finds that organic products have no significant nutritional advantage over conventional foods, even though consumers usually pay significantly more for them. In related news, another study found that there’s no significant advantage to high-end hookers, even though you pay significantly more for them.
Southwest Makes Emergency Landing at Oakland Airport: A Southwest Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing at the Oakland Airport due to possible landing gear problems. My question is, wouldn’t any landing in a place like Oakland by definition almost have to be considered an “emergency landing?”
San Francisco County Supervisor Against Nudity: A San Francisco supervisor, fed up with the almost-daily displays of nudity in one of the city’s neighborhoods, introduced legislation that would make it illegal to walk around naked on San Francisco streets. In response, nudists challenged police to go ahead and arrest them, claiming they’ve got nothing to hide.
