Politics & Government
Trump Gives Bizarre Speech to Attendees of 2017 Boy Scout Jamboree
A satirical look at current events!
Trump Gives Bizarre Speech to Attendees of 2017 Boy Scout Jamboree: President Donald Trump gave an absolutely bizarre speech at the 2017 Boy Scout Jamboree, regaling the youngsters with tales of attending cocktail get-togethers with “hot” guests and playboy industrialists, sharing nightlife tips, bragging about his election win and leading the scouts in a massive boo for ex-President Barack Obama. Gee, I can hardly wait to hear what he plans to tell the Girl Scouts. About the only thing missing from the speech were hints about how scouts should consider buying their merit badges instead of going through all that stupid crap to get them. After all, everyone knows doing the work and actually earning your rewards is for suckers.
Heavy Drinking Will Kill 63,000 Over Next Five Years: Doctors in the UK warn that nearly 63,000 people in that country will die over the next five years from liver problems linked to heavy drinking. In response, Trump officials are urging any Americans who may be considered heavy drinkers - not to move to England.
Michael Phelps Races a Great White Shark: As part of Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, Olympic great Michael Phelps raced a simulated great white shark over a 100m course, finishing just two seconds slower than the simulated great white. Oh for God’s sake, what’ll they think of next? Trump and Steve Bannon racing a great white supremacist?
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Bush’s Best Baked Beans Issues Recall: The popular maker of Bush’s Best baked beans have issued a voluntary recall, saying some cans may have defective side seams which could allow the product to become contaminated with harmful bacteria. Good grief, and this is their “best baked beans.” I’d hate to think what the hell you’d be dealing with if you bought their crappy brand.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
CDC Urging Caution When Eating Walrus Meat in Alaska: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns that Alaska has experienced two outbreaks of trichellosis over the past year and is cautioning anyone looking to consume walrus meat to make sure it's thoroughly cooked. Oh for heaven’s sake, what the hell is the CDC blubbering on about now? While I’m not inclined to eat raw walrus, I suppose in good conscience I should e-mail all the Orcas and polar bears I know about the issue.
Bumble Bee Agrees to Plead Guilty in Price Fixing Scheme: The Justice Department announced tuna giant Bumble Bee has agreed to plead guilty and pay a $25 million fine for its role in a conspiracy to fix the prices of tuna in the U.S. Lucky they agreed to settle! It would be interesting to hear how the Trump Justice Department would explain bumbling a Bumble Bee investigation!
Trump Names Anti-Science Radio Host as Chief Scientist: President Trump has just nominated climate change skeptic and right-wing talk radio host Sam Clovis to serve as the Department of Agriculture’s chief scientist - a slap in the face to the scientific community and those responsible for the integrity of the USDA’s research. Great, now about the only thing Mr Trump has left to do is appoint Judge Judy to the Supreme Court and Rush Limbaugh to head up the FDA Opioids Action Plan. That should pretty much keep us all moving right along up that proverbial creek.
Catholic Church Bans Gluten-Free Communion Wafers: A recent letter from the Vatican reminded the world’s Catholic bishops of a rule mandating wheat gluten be in the communion wafers used in the celebration of Mass by Catholics. Wait a minute, the church is insisting communion wafers have gluten in them? I thought “gluteny" was a sin.
Republican Asks NASA About Ancient Civilizations on Mars: California Republican congressman Dana Rohrabacher, who is vice chairman of the Committee on Science, Space and Technology, asked members of a NASA panel this week if there had been ancient civilizations on Mars. Congressman Rohrabacher, don’t you realize that its dumb questions like that which make all the aliens who live on the dark side of the moon wanna mock us out?
Coyotes Said to Be Moving Into Santa Monica: Wildlife officials say coyotes have strayed from their usual comfort zone deep in the Santa Monica Mountains and have set up a new home near the city’s southern border around Ocean Park Boulevard and 25th Street. Yea, well I wish them lots of luck trying to find any parking anywhere in that neighborhood.
Judge Halts Auction of Madonna’s Intimate Items: The New York Times reports that a judge has halted an auction featuring 22 items previously belonging to singer Madonna, including a breakup letter from Tupac Shakur, a hairbrush which still contains some of the singer's hair and a previously worn pair of her underwear - after the singer filed an emergency court order. I don’t know about the other items, but I say its just wrong to try and sell Madonna’s old underwear. Hell, something like that needs to be donated to science.
Saudi Girl's Online Post in Miniskirt Draws Conservative Outrage: A young Saudi woman sparked a huge controversy over the weekend by posting a video of herself online in a miniskirt and crop top walking around in public, leading Saudi conservatives to call for her arrest. In response to the video, an angry House Speaker Paul Ryan warned these are exactly the kind of young women who’ll grow up and attempt to enter the Speaker’s Lobby in sleeveless blouses and open-toe shoes.
Micro-Windmills to Power Electronics: Researchers at the University of Texas at Arlington announced the development of experimental micro-windmills a tenth the size of a grain of rice, which might someday power electronics like cell phones with just a wave of the hand. Scientists speculate that just a small number of these micro-windmills, strategically placed in the back of someone like Chris Christie’s underwear, could easily power the entire eastern seaboard.
Art World Becoming a Favorite Way to Launder Drug Money: International law enforcement officials say the rapidly rising prices for fine art indicate the art world is quickly becoming a convenient way to launder money made from dubious business adventures, such as drug money. No kidding! When I look at some of the things that are passing for art these days, its pretty obvious that somebody’s on some serious drugs.
Trump Reportedly Considering Pardoning Himself: News that Donald Trump and his lawyers are musing about the possibility of the President pardoning his family and himself to insulate them from any potential charges of wrongdoing related to the 2016 election has worked up many into a fury. I beg your pardon - they’re considering what? Frankly, sometimes I wish this family of grifters would just grab all the silverware and free souvenir pens and run away to Russia in the middle of the night.
