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WHO Study Declares Coffee Itself Not a Carcinogen
A satirical look at current events!
WHO Study Declares Coffee Itself Not a Carcinogen: The World Health Organization has released its long-anticipated report on coffee, and concludes that coffee itself is not a carcinogen, but says extremely hot beverages may well be. And that folks, is precisely why I’ve always gone for coffee instead of a morning cup of tabasco sauce.
Porn Declared a Public Health Crisis in Utah: Utah Gov. Gary Herbert (R) has just signed a bill that officially declares pornography to be a “public health crisis.” In an effort to enforce the bill, Utah plans to implement a mandatory three-day waiting period before anyone will be permitted to look at dirty pictures.
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Jersey EMTs Caught Choosing White Castle Over Rescue Call: Two emergency medical technicians caught live-streaming themselves as they ignored a call for help while in the drive-thru line of a New Jersey fast-food restaurant have resigned. Sounds like they decided they’d eat the burgers now and ketchup on their work later. One thing’s for sure, now they’re in a pickle.
Study Finds Cats Seem to Comprehend Laws of Physics: Researchers from Kyoto University in Japan say cats understand the principle of cause and effect as well as some elements of physics and combining these abilities with their keen sense of hearing, they can predict things such as where a possible prey may be hiding. No kidding! Hell, they seem to be doing many of their physics calculations from scratch. I noticed when I got home tonight that my cat had apparently been working on a great big ball of “string theory” just before the phenomena “entanglement” took over.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Paintings From 14,000 Years Ago Found in Spanish Cave: Archaeologists in northern Spain say they’ve discovered around 70 paintings nearly 1,000 feet underground in the Basque Country’s Atxurra cave, dating as far back as 14,000 years ago. While archaeologists were elated about the find, art critics complained that as far as they’re concerned, the technique appears rather “primitive.”
Man Fined $175 for Giving Money to Cop Dressed as Panhandler: A Canadian man who thought he was giving a charitable donation to a homeless man was slapped with a $175 ticket when the panhandler turned out to be an undercover police officer. Police officials strongly defended the sting, saying they hope this will make people think twice before showing compassion to strangers in the future.
Fart Brings Patrons to Blows Inside Famous Sloppy Joe’s Bar: According to a news report, a fight broke out between two couples inside Key West’s landmark Sloppy Joe’s bar when someone in the crowded watering hole allegedly broke wind. Wow, sounds like this reporter really has a nose for the news. My question is, is anyone really surprised that someone might fart in a place named “Sloppy Joe’s?” Wonder who the perpetrator was? It sounds a lot like an inside job to me. This story just doesn't pass the smell test. And when the couple complained to Sloppy Joe’s management, they were told “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.”
99 Cents Only Store Coming to Beverly Hills: Discount chain 99 Cents Only Stores says it is looking for a location on Beverly Hills’ famed Rodeo Drive. Makes sense to me. Shell out $20 for parking to shop at a 99 Cents Only Store.
Republican Senator Offers Prayer for Obama’s Death: Georgia Senator David Perdue (R) has publicly offered a prayer for the death of President Obama, citing Psalm 109:8 which says “let his days be few.” In response, Democrats offered up their own prayer “may Senator Perdue be blessed to go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.”
Miami Area Hunts Dangerous Nile Crocodile: Florida state wildlife officials have given their agents a rare order to shoot and kill a young, extremely dangerous Nile crocodile on the loose near Miami. So, if I’m understanding this story correctly, Miami is basically saying “after Nile - crocodile.” Meanwhile, while trying not to take sides, House Republicans do point out that a hungry, furious crocodile on the loose in South Florida, could do much to greatly reduce a significant amount of our nation’s Social Security and Medicare costs.
Alcoholic Man Attempts to Sell Wife For To Pay For Booze: The Times of India reports that a 42-year-old Indian man described as an "alcoholic" allegedly attempted to sell his wife for $110 to pay his bar tab. And they say you can’t put a price on love.
Lululemon Pulling See-Through Yoga Pants: The athletic-wear company Lululemon was forced to pull new shipments of its yoga pants off the shelves after the women’s bottoms were found to have what the company called an “unacceptable level of sheerness.” On a positive note, record numbers of men are reportedly signing up for yoga classes.
