The Biopsy Scare

I recently had a mammogram and they wanted to take a biopsy on my breast scar tissue from my lumpectomy five years ago. “It doesn’t look right.” Is what the doctor said. Of course all I could hear was something like Charlie Brown’s teacher saying “Wah, wah, wah, wah, biopsy.” In my head I kept thinking, “Not again! Why? Why me?!” Followed by a few expletives, OK a lot of expletives, for several days, OK, I’m still saying them, today.

About five years ago I had breast cancer and I’ve been cancer free since, so the biopsy brought back all those memories. I believe that you have to make the best of whatever life gives you. That doesn’t mean you can’t kick your bed and scream out your car window and crying uncontrollably, but you have to keep going, even though it is so hard.

When I was diagnosed five years ago a lot of people asked me, “Why did you get cancer?” Does anyone have an answer for that? I didn’t. I thought it was just mean. People would say such awful things, such as “Your cancer isn’t as bad as Bob’s, he had to….” What a dumb thing to say! Here is my advice, if you meet anyone who tells you they have cancer, all you need to say is, “I am sorry.” And if you are capable of compassion, you ask them “How can I help you?”

When I had cancer, almost all of the people I knew were completely incapable of human compassion. At the time, I felt that my boss was even more toxic than my cancer. I often thought that her daily insults and put downs could have caused me to have cancer. However, that year I also got divorced, and my mom died. Who said God doesn’t give you more than you can handle! So what do you? You quit your job if you can afford it and don’t need health benefits or you find people who care. You find support.

The most compassionate people I met were at the Cancer Support Community in Walnut Creek. I joined a support group there that changed my life. I met truly amazing people. People there inspired me, made me laugh, cry, feel compassion, and helped me discover my own power. Several people I met there I still honor in my heart to this day and think about them as an example of who I want to be in life. That support group was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Even recently when I thought about my pending biopsy and how I could have cancer again, I comforted myself knowing that I could always go back to the Cancer Support Community.

Recently, on the day of the biopsy, the doctor performing the biopsy was young and lovely. I was nervous and super chatty, “Where are you from?” I asked her. As I was lying there she told me that she was putting a Titanium clip under my skin. Scared and surprised, all I heard was “Wah, wah, wah, wah Titanium wah.” She explained that if I had cancer it would be removed, otherwise it would stay inside me. What? I mean WHAT? It is used to mark where they took my tissue. Couldn't they just look at the scar to determine that?

I wish they would have told me ahead of time. I would have asked for them to insert a GPS device too. Then I wouldn’t get lost as easily when driving around. Could you imagine one tug on my bra strap and I could find the best detour in a traffic jam! Now that would be a real novelty! If the technology failed though I might get, "Turn Right, after your nipple." I tried to do a search on the internet on what a Titanium clip looks like, and couldn’t find it. I knew I was ahead of my time!

I don’t have cancer, nor do I have an internal GPS device, and I’m happy. It hasn’t caught up with me yet. I have been feeling sad. I keep thinking, I could still get cancer again, but I try to remind myself of the resources I have now: my sense of humor, the Cancer Support Community, my friends, and my church. I also remind myself that it is my choice to think more positively, to believe in hope, and to enjoy the life I have now. The recent biopsy reminded me of having cancer, having cancer made me realize how strong I am, and how good I am at overcoming adversity. I am also reminded that the only thing you can ever do is make the best of what you have - after kicking, screaming, and crying of course.