When Explaining Death to Your Child Isn’t So Simple

Today is the 13 year anniversary of my father-in-law’s death. It has brought up the thought of how my husband David and I will explain death and dying to our daughter, Madison. It’s not as cut and dried as saying “grandpa was very old and now he lives up in the sky with your goldfish.” 

My father-in-law was Officer David J. Chetcuti, who was killed in the line of duty on April 25, 1998. He was protecting our city when his short life came to a tragic end. He left behind his wife Gail and his three sons - David (my husband), John and Rick. My mother-in-law Gail also passed away from cancer in 2004. 

I realize I have a couple of years before she questions why grandma and grandpa aren’t here, but that doesn’t remove the hurt that I feel knowing I will have to explain this to her one day. Unfortunately for Madison, we have lost a lot of family members over the years. David and I have lost all of our grandparents and I have also lost my father. I can tell you that I do not handle death and dying very well. Not that anyone really does, but I have lost so many people, one would think I would be numb at this point. Sadly, it is quite the opposite. Attending so many funerals has forced me to face my own mortality more times than most people.  I tend to lose my mind when someone passes away.

So what is the best way to talk to your child about death and dying? If you have religious beliefs, telling your child about where their soul will go after death can be a gentle way to help your child understand. If you don’t believe in the hereafter, I’m sure you have some belief in what happens after death. Whatever your beliefs are, there is a way to explain it to your child. We are a Catholic family, so I believe in heaven and will use that as my guide. 

But what about having to tell my daughter about how her grandfather died? As she gets older, she will see the freeway signs dedicated to his memory and the Chetcuti Room which will house events in which she is involved. She will be asked many times over if she is “related to that officer that was killed.”  Our having to tell her will probably come sooner rather than later. As much as we would like to protect our children from the harsh realities of life, sometimes it’s not an option. Would I like to seal her in a little bubble where nothing bad ever happens? Absolutely! It’s hard enough for us as adults to deal with what happened. I am trying to prepare for my child knowing at an early age that the world can be a cruel place. 

Dave wasn’t just a police officer; he was a son, husband, father, brother and friend. When I tell Madison about her grandfather, I want her to know him as her daddy’s dad. I want her to see the pictures of him on his boat, at the famous “Dave and Gail Halloween parties”, and the many pictures of him making silly faces with his three boys. I want her to know that her grandpa would have loved her so much and would have taught her some really good tricks to play on her parents. I don’t want her thoughts about him to be shrouded with hurt or anger over the terrible thing that happened to him. I am thankful that she has her uncles to share with her their memories and funny stories of their dad.

In life, we would prefer not be in many situations thrust upon us.  How we handle those situations when it comes to our children, can mean the difference between their being terrified of death and dying, or being able to understand that it’s a sad part of the life cycle. 

So, as every anniversary of one of our loved one’s death comes around, we will be one step closer to bursting the little protective bubble in which we would like to keep Madison. One day I will no longer be able to fast forward through the beginning of most Disney movies, like Nemo, to avoid having her see the terrible things that seem to happen to Disney characters’ mothers. But we will make sure that she knows that she had some very special people in her life and that they are watching over her everyday.