Ingenious Writer Seeks Natural Beauty

While adhering to the demands of my sweet tooth at , I spotted J.D. Cady relaxing in an alcove off Honolulu Avenue. It wasn’t until I met him that I completely understood what it meant to be overtly observant. And this Montrose single was like a fly on the wall of conversational wizardry. Other than offering an astute intellectual vantage point on our inner selves, it turns out that J.D had some dating nightmares that would put Mickey Rooney to shame.

Name: J.D Cady

Age: 39

Occupation: Writer

Current Location: Jane’s Cakes and Chocolates

Relationship Status: Single

Interested In: An honest gal with natural abs and a penchant for Monty Python

How is your day so far? 

Can you answer a question with a question?

You can.

I think it’s good?

What three qualities do you look for in a ?

Honesty. Then there is the thing that one would call attractiveness. Something that makes you go, ‘I think that person is attractive.' 

What would one look for physically if that one person were you?

Sexiness or something.

What does that mean?

You keep pointing that microphone back and forth. 

Do you have a problem with my interviewing skills?

Yeah.

Perfect. What is the third quality that you seek? 

I would say something along the lines of conversational skills. I like to talk to them. I find them entertaining.

Who?

The fictional person that I am dating in this scenario. She would need to be entertainingly conversational.

Have you ever been ? 

Yes. “How did that work out?”

I’m asking the questions here.

Let's talk about the three things. She and I had the middle thing.

You mean you were attracted to her?

Yeah, that one. The honesty and entertaining conversation definitely weren’t there. This illusion of love is almost a prerequisite to co-habitating. And being in a union, who is honest about that? 

Do you have a lot of problems?

Yeah. And I have a hole in my head from a recent stroke.

They took out part of your brain?

Yeah and I think they took out the most useful part.

I think the interviewee skills were removed. Do you have a story?

Three.

Give it to me.

I was out with a girl and we were talking about Monty Python. And she said, “Oh, Monty Python. I don’t like him.”

I don’t get it.

There is no him. She was simultaneously demonstrating a lack of intelligence and bad taste.

Right. I knew that. What’s the second one?

I met a woman at in La Crescenta one night and took her home.

A good indicator already.

She was telling me that she was going in for her eighth elective surgery and they were going to inject fat into her belly in striations and they were going to put six strips of fat onto her already lipo-sucked stomach.

Wait. Why?

So that she could create the illusion of a six-pack.

Are you serious?

Yes. 

Can you not create a six-pack just by ?

You could. She then goes into how hard she has worked to have the body that the world wants. She said no one understands how hard she works to get this body.

And what’s the last nightmare? And not that this wasn’t disturbingly revealing enough.

I was on a date with a girl at Gilligan’s. Yes, I should have learned the first time. And she had a tendency to begin conversations with, “Do you know what’s wrong with you?”

Nice. 

Which in my case is probably very apropos, but at some point if we had been talking and we were having martinis and I asked her how many times she thought she asks people that question. She guesstimated six. I obliged her answer and proceeded to tell her that I have never asked someone what is wrong with them. To which she then replied in utter seriousness: “You see. That’s what’s wrong with you.”

That’s awesome.

So, I spit out my martini and laughed. I just was very amused. And then she became angry at me for laughing. You know how you do that?

I do that?

No. People.

I do. And I wish she were my friend. Maybe she could tell me what is wrong with me.

That’s what’s wrong with you.

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