Vegetarian Stringer Seeks Imaginary Girlfriend

This may just be my most daring and provocative interview yet. It’s not every day that I find someone to keep up with my huggable, quick-witted, selfless allure…but then I met Ben. This local gave me a run for my money when it came to a battle of the wits. And quite to my chagrin, it was also the first time that I encountered a lover who was able to uncover the truth behind what a real woman needs. I am still not exactly sure what happened at that little picnic table outside of Ben’s La Crescenta home, but I definitely wanted more.

Name: Ben Wilson

Age: 35

Occupation: Luthier (aka guitar-maker) 

Current Location: Peidmont Avenue in La Crescenta

Relationship Status: Single

Interested In: An openhearted hook-up

Do you really make guitars?

Yes. But don’t ask me to string your violin—it’s been awhile.

I wouldn’t dare. And that sounds a little dirty. 

I don’t like dirt. I’m a . 

Ok. I’m just going to move on then. Don’t be threatened by my big scary microphone. 

I’m going to pretend it’s not there. Kind of like an imaginary girlfriend.

Why would you pretend an imaginary girlfriend isn’t there? Why have her exist at all then? 

I don’t want any hurt feelings.

Hers or mine?

Hers. 

What three qualities do you look for in a real woman? 

Knowledge about the self. 

Did you say “knowledge about the self?" 

Self-knowledge. Knowing who she is.

Like you knowing who she is or she knowing who she is? 

Like me knowing that she knows who she is.

So, she has to be introspective?

Yeah. She can learn from reflection. My second quality would be open-heartedness.

I have never heard these answers from a male … or a female, for that matter.

It’s the . I don’t have a lot of testosterone left. 

Wow.

Yeah, maybe we better not print that part. 

Sure. You can trust me. What’s the third?

Humor. Or snap. Let’s say snap.

Snap? She’s got to have snap?

Yeah, it’s kind of an indefinable quality. She has to have that spark. 

Is “indefiable” a word?

I think it’s not.

Cause that’s what I thought you said. Like you wanted someone non-defiant.

That would be nice, too. 

You only get three. You can’t have snap, crackle and pop.

No. Right. And I wouldn’t want crackle. That seems to lead to all sorts of problems. But if she can break dance, that’s good.

I’m not going to entertain that. Do you date much?

Umm … the last date I didn’t go on was because I was sick.

What about the one you actually showed up to?

I went to a charity event and met a girl there.

Did she think you were gay at first? Be honest. 

No, and I didn’t think she was either. So, that knocked out the first hurdle. She has some snap. I really like her. But I did hang out with this other girl the other night. We have been having fun, but she’s only 22.

Booty call?

If that kind of thing works, that’s really great because people should be able to hook-up. We under value—

—hooking up? 

Right. We undervalue sex for purposes.

Is this what you told the 22-year-old?

There are so many girls that don’t want to sleep with me that that would just get old.

Do you have a story?

A girl I was recently dating fired herself.

From? 

From the .

Now there’s a soft place to fall for your ego. You mean she dumped you?

Right.

That actually does make it sound less pathetic. Why did she fire herself?

We met on a dating site and—

Which one?

“How About We” 

What?

Like “How bout we … go to the park? How bout we … go on a hike? How bout we … go to the zoo?” 

Sounds like a plethora of exhilarating activities whilst seeking love. 

So, this girl and I had gone out a few times and then she saw that I posted on my status another “How about we … ” cause I was looking to still date other women and she flipped. She decided to fire herself.

Got that part. Where do you hang out in La Crescenta?

I go to a lot and work on my writing. I am hoping to form a completed movie script at some point.

What’s your one wish in life?

To own a hot tub time machine.

Of course.

I’m not enough for you, am I? It’s easier to brain wash people if they’re sleep deprived. Cults keep their members very busy and give them endless tasks to tire them.

I’m uncomfortable now.

I know.

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