We live in a world where everyone has an opinion about what we do or don’t do. For caregivers, that often means that others want to tell you whether or not they approve your caregiving skills and efforts. Unfortunately, that can cause you to feel you have to ‘explain’ or ‘justify’ to others (often family members) the choices and decisions that you have made. The resulting tug and pull can be both painful and unproductive.
What’s a caregiver to do?
Obviously, everyone in any given situation has an opinion about how something should be done. Too many times, though, the opinions of those who are not providing the care, are really thinly veiled criticisms, such as “Mom looks pale. She needs to get more fresh air and sunlight.”
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The first thing to do is recognize that being the primary caregiver for a family member isn’t easy. And it’s even more complicated if you have other responsibilities (i.e., employment) to contend with. Realize that others may not appreciate what it takes for you to do what you do.
Be prepared for your own frustrations when others suggest you could be doing a better job (which really means, you should be implementing their ‘better’ solutions or approaches).
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Caregivers deserve support AND HELP from others. If the feedback is helpful, great. If not, then consider looking below the surface of the comment to determine your response.
Sally Abrams of A Place For Mom encourages people to not respond immediately to perceived criticism. “Take time to reflect,” she advises. From there you can develop a game plan that includes how best to handle the situation.
She also encourages caregivers to respond with “I” statement to help reduce the escalation of any potential conflict:
Instead of the accusatory “you,” (as in, “you always do this”), try telling them how the criticism makes you feel: “I feel really hurt when you. . .”
Remember that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It’s hard work, even with everyone’s loving support. In an environment of criticism and Monday night quarterbacking, it’s even more important to take credit for choosing to be a caregiver for someone you love.
To read Abrams’ full article, click here.
