What I Admire in You Tells You about Me

In recent weeks I've been writing about the concept of projection, first in general and then last week about negative projection.  But this all important process isn't only about the negative we see around us:  it also has its positive component.

Take a moment and think about someone you admire more than anyone else in your life:  what is it about this man or woman that makes you look up to him or her?  Courage?  Intelligence?  Modesty? Tenacity?  Charisma? Love?  Really try to hone in on the one or two qualities of the person you admire.

Now hear this:  those qualities are in you, seeking to come out, and that's why you're able to see them so clearly in another person.  Just as with last week's example with the person who felt great hostility but wouldn't acknowledge it and so saw it in those outside, so too the positive qualities you're not acknowledging within yourself are appearing in those around you.

If you've ever been a teacher, if you've ever led a group, if you've ever spoken to an audience, you have felt these projections.  As soon as you step in front of the class/group/audience you are looked at differently.  People begin to project onto you and you can feel it.  This can have a lot of positive aspects:  people are more open to someone they have a positive projection on.  Your words take on more weight; your actions are invested with more significance; you have greater capacity to impact people.  This is leadership in its positive light:  you are able to influence people, ideally guide them in a way for their own good.  Uniforms of all kinds inspire this kind of projection:  a police officer's uniform should inspire a projection of trust and security, a doctor or nurse's white uniform a projection of medical know-how and competence; a priest or other clergy's vestments a projection of spiritual authority and guidance.

The downside to positive projections, like negative projections, is when we don't take responsibility for where they come from within us.  We need to take ownership of the positive qualities within us, believe in them, and bring them to the surface.  If we leave them unconscious, we will always look to others for guidance in all matters of our life when ultimately we should be using other people's positive qualities as a means to access our own inner resources.

Next week:  how negative and positive projections show up in therapy

Do you have a question about your marriage or relationship? Ask Josh in the comments below or email him at josh@joshgressel.com.

 

Josh Gressel, Ph.D., is a couples therapist based in Pleasant Hill, CA. Visit his website at joshgressel.com.  He is currently accepting referrals.