What’s The Problem With “Act like a man “

Anyone who has a teenager knows that the teenager think that they know everything and they do not need anyone’s help, especially teenage boys. Many parents have had major arguments with their teenagers because they have tried to offer their teenagers advice about how to handle different lite situations. I have had many teenagers sit in my office too, saying they do not need any help or advice and they have all the answers and that they can handle any situation that occurs in their life. While they may be saying that they do not need help or guidance, the truth is they do need and want guidance, but they are afraid to admit it.

After seeing numerous teenagers for psychotherapy for over 25 years, I do believe this is the truth. Furthermore, I believe many teenagers are feeling overwhelmed by life and do not know what to do, but they are afraid to admit it. I find this is especially true with male teenagers. In my opinion, these teenagers are trying to live up to the stereotype about “being a man.” The old outdated stereotype tells men and boys that they are weak if they need help and they are weak if the have feelings. It doesn’t help when the Vice President is telling teenagers to follow the old stereotype about how a man acts. And if they don’t follow the old stereotype they are being emasculated. As a result, we end up with tough guy teenagers who say they don’t need help from anyone because they don’t want to be emasculated. They will be emasculated because real men don’t have to ask for help and they act how they want to and they don’t worry about how their actions impact others. Therefore, Trump talking about women’s genitalia because it’s “locker room talk.” This is an insult to men because it’s not “locker room talk.” Also it’s confusing teenage boys about what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior when it relates to how guys treat girls. I honestly believe that deep inside teenage boys know they need help and they are hoping someone will figure it out without the teen having to admit it, and offer the teen help so they save face.

As a result of feeling overwhelmed and alone, many teenage boys are following the stereotype and are turning to drinking, drugs, violence and sexual activity. Anything that will numb the pain and make them look tough. Therefore, they may be flunking out of school, but because of their drinking and cutting classes, it looks like they don’t care and in their opinion they are handling the situation. However, they are not handling the situation and they are getting themselves further and further into a hole that they cannot find their own way out. They are drowning and their acting out behaviors are they way of calling for help. However, to most people their behavior doesn’t look like a cry for help. Instead it feels like the teenager is pushing people a way. After a while, people do stop trying to help.

As the adults, we need to remember that these teenagers’ brains are not fully developed. The prefrontal cortex which is responsible for reasoning and decision making is not fully developed. Their bodies make them look like adults, but in terms of emotional development, we are dealing with a fifth grader. We need to remember this fact so we can stay in there and find a way to help them even though they say they don’t need it. Remember because their brains are not fully developed, they cannot do the reasoning that we expect them to do. Therefore, teen boys turn to the stereotypical behavior regarding men because it is easy and media is pushing the stereotypical behavior.

Justin Bieber wrote and released a song called Lonely which does an excellent job of explaining the teenager’s need for help and how teenagers don’t know how to ask for help. Justin Bieber achieved money and fame as a teenager. In the song, Lonely, he talks about how he did stupid and irresponsible things as a teenager because he didn’t know any better. He also discusses feeling very lonely because he felt there was no one to help him. Many of the adults around him said nothing because of all the money he was making. However, he states he had no idea what to do and he needed someone to step in. Because no one did, he felt very lonely and continued to act out. He did not want a yes man, he wanted someone to set boundaries for him and tell him to stop the irresponsible behavior. Additionally, he wanted someone to hold him to take accountable for his actions. Because no one did he turned to the stereotypical male behavior to help with his loneliness.

Granted, not every teenager is a superstar like Justin Bieber. However, the feelings and emotional needs that he expresses in his song Lonely do apply to many teenage boys. I would encourage every parent to listen to this song. I would also encourage every parent to set boundaries and provide guidance to their teenage boys. Yes they will argue and say they don’t need it. However by setting limits for your sons, you are helping their pride because they can tell their friends they have no choice, their overbearing parents won’t allow it. They don’t have to be afraid of looking weak. Additionally, I would encourage parents to discuss with their sons how they do not have to live up to some old stereotype to be “a man.” Use this as an opportunity to discuss with them how you believe men should act. You may want to watch the documentary, The Mask You Live In, on YouTube. It discusses how the old outdated stereotype regarding men creates problems and severe feelings of loneliness for teenage boys and how we can change this stereotype.

Just a side note, Justin Bieber was fortunate enough to have people in his life confront him and set boundaries. Justin calmed down and has a happy marriage and this week he became a father to a son. Teenagers can mature and grow up to be responsible men.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children and teenagers. He is also one of the founding members for the national advisory board for Street Soldiers. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.