SOS: Lean On Me

You need help.

I am saying this in the nicest way, and with the best of intentions, but it is true.  You cannot go at this alone. Even if you have a spouse or a significant other that supports you, that’s not enough. You need a support network. You cannot have just one person in your network because there are roles that each person must fill. Let us go through the various people that you need:

1.       The friend who

a.      Listens

b.      Understands

c.       Doesn’t understand

d.      Motivates and encourages you

e.      Takes your mind off of your problems and distracts you

Some friends might be more than one of the above, some of them might fill most of them, but don’t count on only one person to fill all of the roles. You need a friend that will allow you to vent when you’re emotional, whether that be worried, stressed, angry, sad, or happy. They will listen to whatever you say, no judgments.

There should be at least one friend that understands what you are going through. They don’t have to be an expert in eating disorders, but they should know the basics. Whether they get the information from you, a textbook, the internet, or somewhere else doesn’t matter. Just so that they know something about what you’re going through.

And then, of course, there’s the friend that totally, completely, and utterly has no idea what you’re going through. At times, this friend will make you frustrated. It’s not their fault, though. It’s actually probably good that they don’t know about eating disorders. They haven’t had to know about them.

One of your friends should be your biggest fan. They should inspire you to keep fighting, to keep your focus on the finish line. When you are lost as to what to do, this person will set you straight. This person will remind you why you are doing all of this. This person might play the most important role in your support network.

The final friend that you need in your support network will distract you and take you out for fun activities. When you are too focused on what you’re doing, it can actually be harmful. You’re not helping yourself, and you’re not helping your child. If you’re not living your life, why should they have any incentive to live theirs? Your children are constantly influenced by your example. If you’re not letting Ed get to you, then your children will see that and take it into account. It will give them the strength that they need in order to not let Ed take over their lives.

2.       Your family

You need your family to support you. Everyone needs to be on the same page when dealing with the child who has an eating disorder. And when I say “family,” I don’t just mean your immediate family. I also mean your extended family as well.

Everyone in your family should know that your child has an eating disorder, and that it isn’t welcome in the house. Your child can leave the eating disorder on the porch and pick it up when they leave, but the eating disorder is not allowed past the front door. In my family, my mom and I are the only ones that think that my brother has an eating disorder. Everyone else thinks that my brother is fine and that my mom and I are making a mountain out of a mole hill. This eating disorder has torn my family in half and now we’re on “sides.”

By not acknowledging that my brother has a problem, my family is making everything worse. The only way that my brother can get help is if everyone in my family is willing to present a united front.

3.       The person who will step up to make important decisions if you are not able to.

This person should be well-versed in eating disorders. They should know what a right decision is and what a wrong decision is. This person might be your significant other, someone in your family, or a person in a medical field. It really doesn’t matter, just as long as you have a back-up in case something happens where you’re not capable of making sound decisions.

4.       Your therapist

It is a necessity that you get yourself a therapist. I know that you consider your friends as your personal, informal therapists, but you need a professional. You need someone to talk to about what’s happening. You need someone that understands what you’re going through and can explain why you’re feeling the way that you do, or why this option is better than that option. 

You need someone who will be able to answer any and all questions that you have. This person needs to be certified in eating disorder treatment. This person might be the most helpful in your support network. You’ll thank me once you get yourself a therapist. Don’t just get a therapist in order to help your child. Get a therapist in order to help yourself.

Having a support network will make your life so much easier. Think of a support network as a safety net. If you fall, there’ll always be someone there to catch you. You shouldn’t have to rely on yourself for everything. It’s hard to admit that you need help, but you need to do it. Let someone help you. There is always someone willing to help, as long as you make it clear. Remember: There’s no “I” in “team."

I’m always here for you, even if no one else is.