My eldest daughter recently married. When I asked her what type of dress she wanted me to wear to the wedding and what color, she said she didn't care. I'm not sure what she meant by that: that she hadn't given it any thought yet, that my involvement would be on the periphery so there was no danger that I would clash with the wedding party, that it was really my decision to wear whatever I was comfortable in.
In any case, I wanted something from a bridal shop - no offense, Macy's and Nordstrom's. I walked into a shop and was, of course, completely overwhelmed. I had a feeling that I was going to frustrate a saleswoman, and I think I nailed that. When she came over to help, I told her I was looking for a mother-of-the-bride dress (an "MOB"), but I wasn't sure what that meant.
The saleswoman (let's call her "Sue") asked if I wanted long or short. (At the time, I thought I wanted short.) What color? What fabric? What style? What kind of venue for the wedding? Yadayadaya! Stop! If I knew all those answers, I wouldn't need help.
Sue pulled out some possibilities, but I vetoed them all. She decided, for her sanity as well as mine, that I should look on my own for a while. The thing is I've never been an MOB before, so I had no idea. Should I go for a darker dress or a bright color? Should it be decorative or plain? If I saw a long one I liked best, would it make sense to buy it and shorten it? And the BIG QUESTION: did I want to look elegant or mommyish?
Clearly this wasn't my occasion, so I could take the "wow" factor only so far. I'm a little old for this role, so I would look foolish if the dress were too low-cut or cut-out, wouldn't I?
I am always bumping into this type of identity crisis. I became a parent "by marriage," after the family already existed. And I was already a "me." But when you're a parent, you never come first, you nurture your kids, take pride in their accomplishments. But it's almost as though a voice in your head says, "Move over. It's not really your time anymore."
And certainly when your child gets married, that's a clear sign that it's the time of a new generation. You don't know anything anymore, you're old-fashioned, you're from "the olden days." If you go out for a night of "partying" with your spouse, your kids are shocked that anyone your age could or would do that.
But I don't want to feel that my time is over! Since we became empty-nesters and moved out West, my husband and I go out a lot more, get involved in more activities, and have lots more fun. (Okay, we do occasionally play bocce ball.) So, I can still be a "me," right?
I took a number of dresses into the dressing room: a short silver dress, a long burgundy dress, some chiffon ones, a knit, high-necked, low cut..... I tried them all on. Some looked great, some didn't. But when it was time to choose, was it going to be "elegant" or "mommyish"?
