Scientists Identify Earth's Oldest Known Animal Fossils

Scientists Identify Earth's Oldest Known Animal Fossils: Scientists have used fat molecules to solve a longstanding mystery and identify an ancient creature who lived 558 million years ago called Dickinsonia, thought to be the first complex “multi-cellular” organisms on Earth. Gee, multi-cellular organisms? I had no idea they even had cell phones back then, let alone organisms that could afford more than one phone. I can’t even imagine what their calling plan would look like. Knowing how they lived back then, I’ll bet they were constantly saddled with roaming charges.

Six Siblings of a Republican Congressman Endorse His Opponent: Citing the congressman’s increasingly extremist views on immigration, health care, birther conspiracy theories and white supremacy - six brothers and sisters of Arizona Republican congressman Paul Gosar are appearing in ads, pleading with Arizona citizens to consider voting for his Democratic opponent. Sadly, I think a Paul Gosar is about the best representation you can expect from people who’ve lived just downwind from 40 years of nuclear testing during the cold war. Paul Gosar represents Arizona’s the rural 4th District - an area where severe aluminum foil shortages are a fact of life as well as numerous UFO sightings. One thing’s for sure, the Gosar Thanksgiving dinner this November should be quite memorable!

Pulp Free Orange Juice Issues: Bought a carton of orange juice that claimed the juice was "pulp free." When I poured the juice into a glass, pulp came out just as always. I'm thinking what the hell is this, pulp fiction?

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Study Finds Cats Are Sleepiest Mammals: New research shows that cats are the sleepiest mammals spending up to 16 hours a day sleeping, which means that a 7-year-old cat has really only been awake for 2 years. No kidding! My cat happens to be a charter member of the National Association of Pussycats - also known as “NAP.”

Insomnia Linked With Early Death In Men: Researchers are finding that older men who have insomnia symptoms -- such as problems falling asleep or staying asleep -- have an increased risk of dying from heart-related issues over a six-year period. That said, researchers insist that even with the increased risk of death, its nothing to lose sleep over.

Outbreak Linked to Contact with Puppies: The US Centers for Disease Control has linked puppies to a nationwide, drug-resistant, stomach bug outbreak. Now come on! I can live with having to refrain from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, fatty foods and even coffee, but my friends, when they start warning us about the dangers of puppies - I don’t wanna live in that world!

Removing Faulty Brain Cells Staves Off Dementia in Mice: A groundbreaking study has revealed that purging “zombie cells” from the brain could stave off the effects of dementia and cognitive decline in mice - but so far it doesn’t seem work in humans. Well, if they can’t get it to work on humans, perhaps they could first try it out on politicians or people who work for the DMV?

Brawl Breaks Out at Ohio Kindergarten Graduation: Police arrested eight people after a brawl broke out at an Ohio kindergarten graduation ceremony, with brawlers even resorting to swinging pipes and hammers at each other. Seriously, they were pulling out pipes and hammers? Hell, sounds like they needed a plumber - not the police.

Police Arrest Man for Groping Fast-Food Worker: Police in central Pennsylvania say they found a suspected groper of a fast-food worker by following a trail of the curly fries he left behind. When confronted by police, the man claimed he was just only trying to get a good feel for the service there.

Scientists Attempt Picture of Black Hole: Scientists at a University of Arizona are working on plans to snap a first-ever picture of the black hole at the center of our Milky Way galaxy. And as a cost saver, given that they’re photographing a “black hole” - I guess there’s no point wasting extra money on color film.

New Study Confirms Aging Shrinks Us: New research is confirming the assumption that most people shrink as they get older, with men getting about an inch shorter and women getting about two inches shorter between the ages of 30 to 70. Sadly, for many guys - height doesn’t appear to be the only place where they seem to lose inches.

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Pimples Are Now In and Becoming the Latest Craze: Celebrities and bloggers are going bare-faced on social media as more of the trendy folks are joining the acne positivity movement and Teen Vogue has even launched the inaugural Acne awards. Its about time! I knew all this acne stuff would eventually come to a head. If someone doesn’t like your pimples, just put the squeeze on them! But whatever you do, don’t let them get under your skin! Now, if we can somehow just get a toenail fungus positivity movement going - I believe we’ll pretty much have it all covered.

Genetic Skin Graft Helps Mice Kick Cocaine Habit: A new treatment using CRISPR and a genetically engineered skin graft, is helping reduce cocaine cravings in mice, giving researchers hope we are on the verge of finding a cure for addiction. While there’s no question we need to treat cocaine addiction in mice - no one wants to see mice ruin their lives, but how a little research geared toward treating cockatoos with Tourette’s Syndrome? Or is that too frigg’n much to ask?

Bacteria Programed to Act Like a Computer: In what could completely change the nature of computing, scientists at UC San Francisco have programed bacteria to act and perform exactly like computers. Of course on the downside, you’ll need to go on antibiotics regiment every time you wanna use your computer.