The Daddy Diaries: Am I Ready for This?

Like the distant whistle of a slow train, we knew the day was coming. Somehow it always seemed so far away that we didn't worry about it much, but just enjoyed the moment. 

Our son, Gregory, was born in April, and the last four months have been a special time for my wife and me to bond with our first child—learning how to change a diaper, walking a stroller through the farmer's market, watching him interact with a flower or a kitten for the first time. It's been a blissful season of slow uninterrupted days together as a family, for which I am truly thankful. 

But now that once distant day is coming just around the bend, and in less than a week it's all going to change as my wife goes back to work to become the chief breadwinner of our family and I stay at home to become the chief caregiver for our son. "Mr. Mom," "Daddy Day Care," "Stay-at-Home Dad"—whatever you want to call it, the reality is that the traditional roles for a mother and father are soon being switched in our home, and I find that as the day draws near my thoughts and feelings about it all are a bit conflicted. 

Part of me is really excited about raising my son and the opportunity I have to spend the days with him—taking him to the zoo, helping him learn his numbers and colors, teaching him about life through everyday activities like working in the garden or cooking dinner. Nothing could be more special to me.

But part of me is also a bit anxious about the reality and responsibility of feedings and grocery shopping and temper tantrums and how to use a humidifier and what to do if he won't stop crying or who to call if he should happen to swallow a penny. The unpredictable potential of what could happen in a day is a bit overwhelming.

And then there's part of me, to be completely honest, that struggles with my image as a dude. It's hard to admit, especially to other guys, that my main job now is to stay home and take care of my son. Will I be the only dad with a stroller at Target on a Tuesday morning or the only 6' 4" person with a beard attending story-time at the library? So much of male identity is based on work and our ability to provide financially, and it's a bit humbling to accept my new role as caregiver for my son. 

And, finally, part of me feels a little guilty that my wife is not the one who is able to stay home instead. She has become so attached to him and I know it's hard for her to ponder what it will be like to be apart from her baby boy for nine hours a day. But we've considered the options and, for the moment at least, this seems best for our family.

Since my job as a guitar teacher has flexible hours and no health insurance, it makes practical sense for my wife to go back to her high-tech career in the city that pays decently and provides complete benefits for our family. The plan is for me to stay home during the day to care for Gregory except for a few afternoons when my mother-in-law will come over to watch him while I go off to teach my guitar classes.

It will be a stretch both with our finances and with our time, but we feel good that we won't have to put our son in daycare. It will mean some sacrifices, and more than ever we've had to think about living within a budget and living simpler, such as going without cable TV, driving old cars instead of buying something new, vacations that include tents instead of hotels, and eating out only once a week.

Will it work? I don't fool myself that there won't be some really hard days ahead. While I love being with my son, it will be difficult to not have the immediate help of my wife during the day. But somehow I know we'll make it, and it will be a growing experience that I hope to capture in these articles. 

Well, gotta go—I think I hear a train coming... or is that the sound of Gregory crying?