THERAPIST THURSDAY: Anxiety in Children and Teens

When I began working in the field of mental health over two decades ago, anxiety in children and teens was not common. However, somewhere along the way, it became a major mental health issue with our youth. I think there are several things that contribute to this issue. And I believe discussing these issues openly and often is necessary to begin to create the type of change that needs to happen to reverse this trend.

School pressure

I remember very clearly going to my son’s kindergarten parent-teacher conference about ten years ago. I expected the conference to not provide me much information that I didn’t already know, as I was in his classroom helping once a week and thought I had a pretty good sense of how things were going. Then the teacher (an amazing and very caring teacher) took out three legal sized papers full of check marks and scores. I was shocked! I asked when these assessments took place, as I had never seen this happening when I was in the classroom. And frankly, I was expecting to receive information on things like motor skills and social skills.

Instead, set before me was mark after mark of how my child was doing in every academic area. There were categories ranging from excelling to “at risk” that included measures like how many letters in the alphabet he got correct, with a certain number putting a kid in the “at risk” category. I remember leaving that meeting feeling anxious. All of a sudden, I was concerned that even though my child had received good marks, he could fall behind at any moment. I had an urge to go home and provide him with worksheets or other material to be sure he was able to keep up academically and not become an “at risk” learner.

Luckily, I was able to reign in this anxious feeling and put things into perspective, but it sure gave me a whole new understanding of what kids and parents are going through in this time we live in. I realized at that moment the sense of pressure that parents feel. And then I realized what kids must feel. And we were fortunate to be working with a compassionate and understanding teacher who was going out of her way to NOT make me feel this way as she pulled out these crazy assessments. I thought of how much worse that feeling would be with a more straight-forward approach! The teacher and I talked about the pressure she and her coworkers were feeling to perform as well, due to their student’s scores being evaluated as a direct reflection of their performance. I realized then that our system is in need of reform! I mean, let’s think about it for a moment. If a kid knows one less letter in the alphabet at five years old than someone has determined they should know, does this really put them “at risk”? Do you know any third graders who don’t know their alphabet yet (barring other issues, of course)?

My point is that we all learn at different paces, and to put such stringent expectations on kids, especially at these young ages, only creates anxiety for student, parent, and teacher alike. Of course, this is just the beginning of the pressure. It only increases each year from there! Parents of high schoolers deal with a sense that their kid will not even get an acceptance from a university unless they have a GPA above a 4.0. Parents and kids often feel like failures if they are not taking AP classes. Kids who get less than straight A’s often believe they will not be able to even get a job that makes decent money. This academic pressure is both unnecessary and seriously over-the-top. The truth is that many people go on to have very successful careers and live very happy and fulfilled lives regardless of their academic success in their youth.

Sports pressure

Wow! This is another area where I’ve had significant personal experience. As a parent, you have a kid who is good at sports and really enjoys playing them. You want that kid to have the experiences he needs to grow his potential, as well as the exposure to competition he needs to be able to play the sport in high school. You want her to have fun doing so and you want to keep balance in her life as well. Well, good luck with that as sports is another area that has lost perspective! If you don’t have your kid in sports at a competitive level by the time they are nine, as a parent you are very likely to feel like they are behind.

I was at a competitive level sporting event recently watching seven years play, SEVEN YEAR OLDS. The parents were cheering enthusiastically and expressing disappointment enthusiastically depending on the performance of their kid and the team. I couldn’t help but think, “these kids still sleep with stuffed animals, get excited over stickers on their school papers, and have temper tantrums if they’re too tired, what pressure they must feel on the field!” To have the burden of their parents’ emotions is a lot at that age! A lot! Can some kids handle it? I suppose so. But should they have to? Or should kids be working on the fundamentals of their sport? Should they be just enjoying playing and not worrying so much about their record or bringing home a trophy or ring?

It is so much for them! And even if they have a smile on their face while doing it, the burden they often feel inside is heavy. And as those kids age, and the pressure just becomes more. Children in middle school receiving verbal commitments from colleges and then feeling the pressure of keeping that commitment by continuing to perform. Kids who burn out from the sport by the time they reach high school. Kids with no free time, no ability to unwind or just relax or participate in any recreation. I’ve treated many kids with issues like eating disorders, anxiety, panic attacks, due to this kind of pressure. It is a lot for a kid who still isn’t even old enough to drive or vote!

Increased Family Pressure

Families are under tremendous pressure these days. Parents are working longer hours, have less time with their families, and then spend their weekends on the sport’s field. The financial burdens of making sure our kids have the experiences we are being sold that a “good parent” provides for them, rather that be awesome vacations, expensive Christmas presents, elaborate birthday parties, the latest sports equipment (not to mention the cost of all of the competitive sports). Parents putting their kids in college preparation programs to get help for everything from what classes to take, how to write their college application essays, and what SAT scores they need to get into their dream schools. Because they worry that without such assistance, their kid may not be able to have a competitive college application. Families not having time to have a family dinner together. Parents splitting up on the weekends to get the kids to their various activities and having virtually no time together. All of these items take an emotional toll on parents. Frankly, it is all quite exhausting. Parents don’t have enough time in the day to accomplish it all. And this causes a sense that they are in some way failing. And I don’t know about you, but I find it very difficult to be a patient and understanding parent when I am stretched to the limit. All of this contributes to the anxiety parents feel and the anxiety children feel. The imbalance in these areas is taking a toll on us all and this is reflected in the emotional and mental health of families today.

The need to be perfect

There have always been people who struggle with a feeling that they need to be perfect. But this issue is on the rise. Things like social media and filters on cameras exacerbate this issue. People see other people’s idea of the “perfect” life and feel an urge to keep up. This is the modern-day version of “keeping up with the Jones’s.” Academic and sports pressure only reinforce this idea that perfection is the standard. And what will happen when there is an expectation of perfection… failure. We are human and therefore not capable of perfection; we WILL fall short. Unless and until the expectation shifts and becomes more realistic, the person will continue to feel anxious and not good enough. Regulating exposure to things that give us the message that being perfect needs to be the standard is necessary to make this change. This often means reducing social media exposure and rejecting the idea that we need to use filters on our pictures for them to be “good enough” to share.

Peer pressure

This is the age-old issue. We’ve all experienced it. But due to technology it has gotten out of control. While I cannot discuss anxiety in children and teens without mentioning peer pressure, I am not elaborating because I addressed it recently in an article that can be found here.

Technology and social media

These items exacerbate all of the issues addressed above. Academic and sports pressure are felt at increasing amounts by both parents and children due to social media. The sense that we must be perfect or living the perfect life or achieving at a certain level to be validated or happy is reinforced by social media. Teens feel pressure to have so many followers or to have people liking their posts. Teen girls in particular feel pressure to post the perfect picture (which must have a filter, because who they are naturally is not good enough). These images and ideas are in our faces daily, both youth and adults alike, and they are brainwashing us into believing we must be a certain way to be good enough. Nothing will increase anxiety more than the idea that we could be rejected if we do not measure up!

Video games

This is another issue that is a huge factor in anxiety for many people. Video games activate our fight or flight response, which is the same thing that happens in our brains and body when we experience anxiety. When our bodies are in this state for a significant amount of time, we become dysregulated and anxiety increases.

The purpose of this article was to touch on some of the many issues that contribute to the significant increase in anxiety that has occurred with our youth today. It is in no way intended to be an all-inclusive list or to address or resolve any issue completely. It is simply a beginning point that will hopefully stimulate an increase in conversation about some complex and involved topics. It is also in no way intended to put down sports or academics, both of which can enhance a person’s life greatly and can be very positive experiences for our youth. It is simply meant to provoke thought on what balance looks like, to help parents and families evaluate for themselves what works for them and their families, rather than just accepting the standards and expectations that have been sold to us. So, it is my hope that each person reading this will take a moment to reflect, to evaluate what works and what does not, and to make changes if changes are necessary. We all need to design for ourselves the life that works for us. It is my hope that this article will be one tool in helping you to do so!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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