THERAPIST THURSDAY: How to Create Compliance Without Conflict

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard from parents that they would like their child to do this or that, but when they imagine the fit the child would have if the parent pushes the issue, they decide it’s just “not worth it.” While this article is addressing specifically how to get your child to comply with the expectation of limited device time (as a follow up to last week's article), the concepts are universal and really apply to any limit or expectation you would like to set for your child or teen.

The first item I’d like to point out is that, if you are avoiding issues due to not wanting the conflict, I can pretty much guarantee that your child knows this and that the power he or she gets from the conflictual behavior is reinforcing the behavior itself. In other words, your kid knows their yelling or crying causes you to back down or not even approach a topic to begin with, and it makes them decide to yell or cry more, because it gives them what they want.

Often parents bring their child to me to change or stop a certain behavior. It is very common in these situations that the undesirable behavior is actually being reinforced in the home because THE BEHAVIOR WORKS. It gives the kid what they want. So, if you have read last week’s article and want to implement some limits of your kid’s screen time this summer, I encourage you to do so. Stop being deterred by how the kid will feel or by how they will behave when they learn about this new limit. Instead, do what your kid needs. While they won’t be happy now, the results you see in their emotional health and in their behavior will be worth it! Here are some suggestions for how you can begin to make the change:

1. Make the expectations and consequences clear

Sit down with your child and inform them that this summer break there will be some limits and expectations, because you love them and want them to be productive members of society. Determine what the limits will be either including them in this decision or not (you can have them help decide what the limits will be if they can do so in a cooperative and respectful manner. If they can’t/ won’t, then you decide).

Once you have the expectations set and clear, discuss what they will happen if they don’t follow them. Again, be clear. Also, be sure whatever consequence you set will be less desirable to the kid than what they gain by not following the rule. For example, if the kid is required to get off of video games on his own within two hours, but doesn’t, don’t just take it away for the rest of the day, rather disallow video games for another day or two. Because if he got in an extra few hours of playing, an intelligent kid will calculate what he gains from doing this versus what he will lose if he knows he’ll just be restricted the next day (he may figure out that his net video game time is MORE by breaking the rules and then will decide it is worth it). So, when you set consequences, make sure what they lose will not be worth what they gain by not following the guidelines. What I often tell my clients is to THINK LIKE THE KID. If you do that, you’ll be wise in creating the expectations and the consequences.

2. Make compliance with the expectations the kid’s responsibility, not yours

This is very important, as it eliminates you policing the kid, reduces conflict over the rules, and increases the kid’s sense of responsibility. If you are limiting video game time, for example, set it up so they have to report to you (instead of you asking them) the time they started and when they will be off. If they don’t comply, give them the previously stated consequences.

3. Don’t remind them!

This is hard to do. We are tempted to remind our kids because we love them and don’t want them to fail (and if they are one of the kids mentioned above that will have a meltdown if they have a consequence, we also are tempted to remind them in order to avoid that display). But if we always remind them, they will: 1. Never learn to do things without reminders; 2. Are likely to blame you when they forget because they view it as your job to remind them; 3. Never learn to take responsibility for their own responsibilities.

When you are tempted to remind them, remember that you want them to learn these lessons and they will only will do so if you let go so they can.

4. Follow through with actions

This is simple, give them the consequence you said you would give them. Do not be tempted to let them have “one more chance” because then they will believe that your words don’t really matter. And they will not take the expectations seriously. And even worse, they will expect the real world to give them multiple chances as well. Ask any teacher you know and they will tell you about how often their students expect second changes or for there to be an exception to their rule. It sets them up for difficulty in the real world if there is no follow through at home.

5. Do not tolerate disrespect

If your kid is disrespectful to you about any of this, have a separate consequence for this. We are constantly teaching people how to treat us, and if she knows she can get away with talking with you disrespectfully, it will become her norm. So, if she does this, give her a consequence on top of whatever consequence she may have already learned for breaking the rules.

If you have not been a family that has rules or enforces expectations, then some of this may seem like a lot. It may seem punitive or like it will cause more conflict within the home. But I assure you, kids need limits. When they have them, they are happier and more well-adjusted. And once they learn that you mean what you say, consequences will not need to occur very often. Expectations will be followed more easily and typically without conflict. Of course, if they are not used to you parenting this way, initially there may be more conflict, but this is temporary. And the reward is a calmer household with less conflict over responsibilities, which means more time to enjoy your kid and being a parent. And most importantly, it teaches kids how real life works and prepares them to be successful in their lives. I encourage all you parents out there to set limits of your kids' device time this summer, you will be glad you did! (For more information on why it is good to limit device time, check out last week's article here.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, please subscribe to her website at www.meetme4therapy.com.

Ms. Whitson can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.