THERAPIST THURSDAY: For Parents Of Boys, A Must Read

… and there are so many issues our generation never had to contend with, issues that can be life-altering for our young men. It has become increasingly important for parents to be educated as to what these issues are and to have frequent conversations that address all of the various concerns that may arise for our boys. I am fortunate to be a therapist who works with youth, because the truth is, if this were not the case, some of these issues would not have even occurred to me. So often I have left a session making a mental note that I need to talk with my boys about whatever the topic was addressed in therapy. While this list does not cover everything that may arise, it addresses the top items I have seen lately impacting our young men:

Appropriate use of social media

Social media is such a complicated arena to navigate. There is so much that can be damaging to young minds. There is so much out there to entice our youth. There are so many potential problems with the misuse of social media amongst one’s peers, issues such as bullying, inappropriate comments about peers, discussing girls in a disrespectful manner, etc. I recently had a high school girl* tell me a boy in her class told her that she really needed to use filters on the pictures she posts on social media because her body was not up to par. He said it in a casual manner and seemed to think he may be doing her a favor by pointing out that her body wasn’t up to internet standards. What struck me the most about this interaction was that the boy seemed to think that evaluating and commenting on this girl’s body to her was a perfectly appropriate thing to do. It made me think about what may be causing this belief. Which led me to consider all of the pictures that are posted on social media, all of the altering and filtering so many are doing, and that some people are interpreting this to mean that our bodies and our lives and our pictures are open for judgement and critique by all. If we are to raise respectful young men, it is important that parents are discussing these things with them, that we are a voice with a descending opinion that lets them know it is absolutely not OK to openly judge girl’s bodies and that females are not objects to be dissected and analyzed, but rather fellow humans to be respected and treated with kindness. We need to do more to teach them these lessons because they are bombarded on a daily basis with images and other material that objectifies the opposite sex. When we were kids, these messages were out there, the objectification of women was an issue; but for our kids today, the messages are in their faces many moments of every day through social media and other internet use.

Texting girls

I have recently had quite a few female clients telling me about boys asking them for all sorts of inappropriate things. Boys in middle school, as young as 11 and 12 years old asking girls for naked pictures and videos. We all know that at this age the hormones begin to rage and boys’ interest in sex begins to pique. This is all appropriate development. But with the ability to text the opposite sex, the reduction in transparency and accountability that this form of communication presents, as well as the change in our culture that gives boys the message that these kinds of requests are acceptable, our young boys are becoming increasingly bold in a quite alarming manner. Think about being a kid before all of this technology. If a boy liked a girl, he would have to approach her in person or on the phone and let her know, send her a note in class or during lunch, or have a friend tell her. All of these things required a certain amount of nerve that the young boy had to muster up. It was all very intimidating and emotionally risky. But with text, this has all changed. Now a kid just has to type some words and send them out with the touch of a button on a phone. Super simple and impersonal. And as a result, also not very risky emotionally. And there is often no one looking over their shoulder or monitoring the communication between the kids. As a result of these circumstances, boys have gotten bolder in the things that they will say and the requests that they will make. Combine that with the culture change that says it’s OK to ask for such inappropriate things from girls along with girls looking for approval for their pictures and their bodies, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

Appropriate boundaries with girls/ how to talk with them respectfully

Many boys have friends who are treating girls disrespectfully. Talking about them as though they are objects. Asking them for inappropriate pictures or videos. Texting or posting inappropriate things on social media. With our boys under such pressure to behave a certain way, the social acceptability of such actions, and their raging hormones, it is so important that parents discuss these issues with our kids. We need to let them know that treating women as objects is not OK. We need to teach them about respect and the proper way to treat a girl. We need to provide alternatives to how they can approach a girl they may be interested in. We need to give them the message that their interest and their desires are normal, and that they must be handled in appropriate and respectful ways.

Discussing girls’ bodies

Our boys need to be told directly and in no uncertain terms that discussing girls’ bodies in any kind of a public manner is unacceptable. We need to tell them that this includes social media, text, or group conversations with other boys. We need to let them know that although they may hear these things or see them on various media, that it is unacceptable for them to behave this way. We need to let them know there will be consequences for this kind of behavior and we need to help them understand that if it is not a way they would want their sister or mother to be treated, then they should not be treating a girl this way. We need to help them understand the hurtful nature of these types of public postings and that anything provided in writing in susceptible to becoming something seen by their teachers, their parents, or the girl themselves. We need to help them think before they act. They need to learn how to pause before putting anything in writing or in a public forum of any kind and that, if they don’t want their teachers, coaches, or parents to see it, they should not be writing it.

The internet and pornography

I’ve had a few parents come to see me, concerned with the material found on their sons’ phones. *One situation that stands out to me is a parent of a young middle school boy. The mother found a viewing history of large amounts of quite violent sexual videos. Some of these were very graphic and quite disturbing. She wondered what it meant about her child that he was choosing this type of pornography to view. Upon further inquiring, it became obvious to me that the issue was not likely that this kid was specifically seeking out these violent videos, but much more feasible that he had stumbled upon this type of pornography and that each item that he viewed gave other suggestions for more content of this nature, with each escalating in violence.

The shear amount of pornography on the internet is mind blowing. But the content found with the click of a button is even more concerning. When young children just developing their sexual identity are bombarded with content that they are not developmentally ready to view or capable of understanding, it has the potential to shape their sexual development in a way that can be damaging to them. As much as us parents may want to avoid topics such as pornography, it is necessary to address such issues with our kids. We must help them understand that some boundaries need to be set with this and that just because something feels pleasurable to watch, doesn’t mean it is appropriate and that it can be harmful to them.

If you think about a developing teen viewing pornography before the internet, they would only be able to do so if they are able to have access to it, and then it was likely to be some pictures in a magazine or possibly a video they found. To seek out certain types of fetishes or more specific content would take a great deal of effort and was not likely to be possible for most teens. But now, at the click of a button, virtually anything is accessible. If we forego these types of uncomfortable conversations with our teens (along with taking measures to block certain types of content), we are essentially allowing every type of content imaginable at the fingertips of our boys to influence their young and impressionable minds.

When a girl says NO

Possibly the most life-altering conversation to have with our teen boys is the importance of respecting a girl’s boundaries. They need to understand that under no circumstances should they try in any way to coerce a girl into going further sexually once that girl has expressed any resistance. The days of a girl saying no and a boy attempting to persuade her need to be over.

I was told of a teen girl* recently who concerned that she was possibly raped. She had attended a school event that was educating teens on rape that was discussing that “no means no.” It caused her to recall an event that had happened between her and her boyfriend. They were alone in a room with relatives nearby and one thing led to another and her boyfriend was trying to go further physically than she was comfortable with. She told him she didn’t want to go further but continued to be physical with him. She did not want to create a scene, so she ended up going further with him than she was completely comfortable with, but she did not verbalize her discomfort with continuing. Upon further conversation, I learned that she felt uncomfortable in the situation, but did not feel violated or traumatized, but she did regret how far they went. She was confused if this meant that she was raped or not. The boy had no idea she felt that way and just thought they had had their first sexual experience. In her mind, he pushed her boundaries; and in his mind, they had a consensual experience following a moment of doubt.

To avoid these types of situations and even possible allegations of rape, it is very important that boys be educated that “no means no”. They must understand that, even if their intention is never to harm or violate a girl in any way, even if they are dating, and even if she seems into what they are doing, if “no” comes out of her mouth even one time, that must be the moment at which he stops everything he is doing and that their physical interaction ends. He must understand that his very freedom and reputation can depend on this. And he must understand that if any girl has had any type of mind-altering substance, including alcohol, that there is no consenting to any type of physical interaction. He must know that there should be zero sexual contact with any girl that is under the influence of any substance. And again, that his very freedom and reputation can be threatened if these rules are not followed.

It is a difficult time that all of our children are living in. There are so many issues to navigate that we didn’t have when we were developing young people. There are many risks to our boys and things that can cause them trouble as they grow through this challenging developmental stage. It is imperative that they not have to navigate all of these challenges on their own. They need the guidance of their parents to successfully survive these times. They need our help to become respectful gentlemen that make choices that allow them to become the best versions of themselves. So, I urge all of you parents of boys and teens out there, have these conversations as they are developmentally appropriate, and have them often. Do not be afraid of these topics, though they may be uncomfortable. The very future of our boys may be at stake.

* To protect the identity and integrity of my clients, specific circumstances or information may have been changed in the examples provided above.

Rochelle Whitson is a psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more of her article, please subscribe to her blog at www.meetme4therapy.com.

She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.