THERAPIST THURSDAY: What are YOU Doing for Valentine’s Day?

When a couple has been together for years, it is often challenging to come up with ideas to please them on special occasions. We often find ourselves doing the same old thing year after year. We can become predictable, which can be another word for BORING. I encourage you this year to mix it up a little, think outside of the box, challenge yourself and surprise your partner. Give him or her the message that you really care and that you are putting effort into how to make things special for him/ her on this special day. Here are some ideas…

1. Think of their favorite things. Make a list of three to five things that really matter to them. It could be reading, coffee, music, sports, clothes, pedicures, etc. Then think of a way to surprise them with something related to one or two of these things. I suggest avoiding gift cards when it comes to this, instead think of a special way to present them with one of these items. Maybe if music really matters to them, get them tickets to an upcoming concert of their favorite band or a download of the latest album. If it’s coffee they love, give them a coupon to go to their favorite coffee house on a weekend morning and promise to watch the kids while they sit and enjoy a cup of joe uninterrupted. If it’s sports they love, get them tickets to an event or set a date to go to a fun sports bar when their team will be shown on the tv there. But don’t just tell them you’ll go whenever, plan the details ahead of time. Tell them when and where and how this will all happen. Have it all arranged. All of these little details send the message that “I put time and thought into this gift, because YOU MATTER to me”.

2. Give the gift of TIME. Arrange a time for the two of you to get away, if even only for a few hours. Arrange all of the details, time, place, exactly what you will do, who will watch the kids; leave nothing unarranged. This will tell your partner that this is something you care about and that they need to worry about none of it. It is all handled. This little get away can be just to a local café, a favorite restaurant, or maybe just a drive. It could be a picnic, a winery, or maybe even a park. You could go on a hike, do something they enjoy like fishing or shopping or antiquing. Think of something your partner would enjoy that is not something you usually do and MAKE IT HAPPEN.

3. Do something SEXY. Think of what they really enjoy in the bedroom. Think of what you would do if you were really wanting to please them, something you don’t normally do. Maybe that’s candles, music, lingerie, a bath, a massage, or whatever you know they really like. And then put in that extra effort.

4. Do something KIND. Think of the what stresses your partner out. That may be the kids, it may be doing the grocery shopping, preparing dinner, doing the laundry, paying bills, doing the yardwork. And then find a way to alleviate them of that duty for a day or a week or whatever is feasible. It’s really great if this is combined with another one of the things above, so instead of doing that thing that stresses them out, they are doing one of the things above instead. They get to do this because you made it happen, you handled all of the details and thought of all of the things that would stress them out and handled it. This tells them that you understand and that you care. They know that you GET IT! You understand their struggles and how hard they work. Knowing this makes a person feel loved. Feeling understood in this way meets our most basic attachment needs as humans. They will really appreciate knowing that you understand their stresses and struggles, that you care, and that you took the time and effort to alleviate these pressures for a time.

Valentine’s day can be a time to show your partner that you love them and that they matter to you. A time to let them know that your relationship is a priority. And this is great! It is helpful and positive. But I encourage you to do some of the things suggested above on days other than Valentine’s day as well. When we remember to stop and think about the little things and make our relationship and our partner a priority, we create a relationship that is nurtured and strong. It is so easy to forget this when this thing called life gets in the way. But this can be so detrimental to a relationship. So, I encourage you not to let this happen to you. For more information on nurturing your relationship, I encourage you to read my Valentine’s article from last year here.

Thank you for reading and enjoy your day of love!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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