THERAPIST THURSDAY: What Does HE Really Want?

In my work with couples and with men, I’ve learned that us women really have it wrong with what we think men want from us.

I’ve also learned that if you chose a good guy, keeping him happy doesn’t require much. Men are simpler creatures than us; while what we want may change from day to day or scenario to scenario, what men want is pretty basic and very consistent.

And all along, us women have been given the wrong messages about what that is! There have been so many times when women come into my office, perplexed that their husband is not happy in the marriage.

They think they have been doing all of the “right” things, being a “good wife” by staying fit or keeping a clean house. But there are issues that come up time and time again when I’m working with couples, and it almost always has nothing to do with the woman’s body or how clean the house it. In my practice, here are the top issues men express that they need and don’t get in a relationship:

RESPECT:

I start the list off with this because I think it is probably the most essential need a man has in a relationship. Men want to feel respected. They want to feel respect from their woman and from their family. They want to be talked to in a respectful way and not feel talked down to. They want to be asked their opinion about big decisions. They want to know that the things that matter to them matter to you too, because it matters to him. Maybe that’s having the family room picked up when he gets home, because that is something that he cares about. Maybe it’s his children asking him about his day. Whatever it is, if you are paying attention, you will see what equals respect to him. If you can see that topic as an issue of respect, you will realize that it is a much bigger deal than maybe it was to you before. And if so, you can start to show that those things matter to you because they matter to him.

GRATITUDE:

Gratitude is one of the things that I often see missing in a relationship, or at least the expression of gratitude. If you have married a good man, then he will work hard for you, he will want to please you and do things to show his caring for you. And if he gets a sense of gratitude back for that, he will continue doing it. I think showing gratitude is one of the ways women can get so much of what they need in a relationship. A good man works hard for his family and does things to show love daily. But because women are so much more complicated, and often have overly romanticized ideas of how love should be shown, they are often not able to see what they really have. If a woman can stop and think about the man’s day and how much of it consisted of doing things for his family and remember to tell him that she sees and appreciates those things, that’s usually all he needs to keep doing them. He needs to know that you notice it. He needs to know that you appreciate it.

One issue that I see get in the way of gratitude being communicated effectively is that women tend to be more detail oriented than men. If we do something, we’ve probably thought of the best way to do that and we’ve perfected it over time. So, if our spouse does it, and does it differently than that way we’ve determined to be the “best”, it is very easy to say something that sounds like criticism, and therefore does not show gratitude. If a man feels criticized, he is likely to stop doing that thing over time that he was originally doing to show love or to be helpful. I very often see women’s criticism of their partner blocking any sense of gratitude they may have towards their partner from coming across to the man, even if that woman is well-intentioned. It is often the case that she does not realize this is how her words are being experienced. However, the effect result remains the same: a man who does not feel appreciated.

ADMIRATION:

The definition of admiration is, “regarded as impressive or worthy of respect.” I don’t know if you will ever get a man to admit this aloud, but men very much want and need admiration. They want to know that you look up to them, that who they are is not only enough for you, but that you admire who they are, that you find them impressive. Most men don’t understand this need in themselves or are not able to identify it, some men may think it sounds too needy or maybe sounds like an archaic need.

This sense of admiration is unfortunately something that has largely been lost as women have become more independent. We have lost the understanding that men still need us to admire them and it is something that is often not expressed in a relationship. But I think it is a need that goes back to our more primal roots. While men may not be able to identify it, when it is provided, they feel satisfied and good about themselves and their ability to be successful in their relationship. This sense that they can succeed in their relationship makes them willing to work hard to please their partner.

DESIRE:

Last, but certainly not least, is desire. I specifically used this word and not “sex”. While desire will often lead to sex, it is not just the physical act of sex that makes a man satisfied in a marriage. It is the sense that their woman desires them. Not just that she is WILLING to sleep with him, but that she WANTS to sleep with him. This can be a very challenging issue within a marriage. As we all know, raising a family and balancing that with work and all of the responsibilities of adulthood and parenting is exhausting. Very often, the last thing a person wants is one more thing to do at the end of the night. But if you can take the time and invest the energy in showing your man that you desire him, you will have one satisfied man! Also, desire does not just exist within the bedroom. It is also in the look you give across the room or in touching him as you walk by, cuddling on the couch, maybe whispering something suggestive in his ear, letting him know that you find him desirable.

While this list is not all-inclusive, it certainly addresses the top issues I see in couple’s therapy that leave men feeling unhappy or dissatisfied in their relationship. I encourage all couples to discuss these issues, to check in with each other about your level of satisfaction and what can be done to improve it. If there are issues that you are having difficulty addressing, I highly recommend seeking couple’s therapy. When this is done before the relationship deteriorates, it is much easier to get things back on track. Too often couples wait until their relationship is in a state of disrepair before seeking help. This makes turning things around so much more challenging.

Please also keep in mind that the topic of this article is specifically men’s needs in a relationship. I address woman’s needs in a prior article that can be found here.

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If you have a topic you would like to see addressed on Therapist Thursday, please email Rochelle at www.meetme4therapy@gmail.com

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA.