OPINION: What Are the Worst Hit Songs of All Time?

Over the recent Labor Day weekend, a classic rock station in Connecticut counted down the 500 greatest rock songs of all time. Many stations around the country present similar shows, usually around an outdoor holiday such as Labor Day or Memorial Day. All it took was two and a half minutes Wednesday morning to unravel all the good memories from that countdown, and made me want to run screaming into the night.

An oldies station I listen to on the internet actually had the nerve to play "(You're) Having My Baby," a hideously chauvinistic, un-PC song with wretched lyrics such as:

"Didn't have to keep it, wouldn't put you through it.
You could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn't do it."

Somehow, that narcissistic ditty by the formerly-great Paul Anka, sung as a duet with an unknown vocalist named Odia Coates, went to the top of the Billboard chart in 1974. Why? That was the best, or at least most popular song on radio at any given point in time? America - what were we thinking?

In case you've forgotten how truly putrid it was, it gets even worse. Check out the YouTube video clip below of Paul and Odia belting their chart-topping single live on The Midnight Special (and trust me, I use the word "live" very loosely). There is just so much inherently wrong here - Paul's bell bottoms, his collar that could get him airborne with a good running start, the belt that has no use whatsoever, his total lack of movement during the performance as if he is cemented to the stage, seemingly nodding off near the end and worst of all, straying from the single's original lyrics by actually REPEATING the horrid words mentioned above. Before viewing it, be sure to grab an airsick bag.

After conveying my thoughts about that particular tune to a colleague on the phone, and hearing his equally disgusted reaction to the same, we began kicking around our thoughts about the worst songs that became hits. We got three other Connecticut Patch editors involved, and voila! We came up with 25 cringeworthy stinkers that somehow became huge hits.

Of the 25 pieces of dreck we offer up here, 22 were top 5 smashes, with 15 actually reaching the No. 1 position. Again ... why?

We want our readers to share their opinions as to the worst, or at least most unlikely big hits of the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s. We chose that timeframe because we were all products of that era; also, music quality in general seemed to take a nosedive sometime in the '80s, gave way to grunge, rap and new country in the '90s, and the stuff from today ... ummm ... never mind.

Moving on, please give us your opinions on the bad music of that time. Keep it clean, but tell us the songs that make you want to run to a dentist's office and beg for a root canal, or at least make you want to plug your ears with knitting needles. We are looking for songs that made the top 30, not obscure stuff, and are not seeking novelty songs that were intended to be bad (such as "The Streak", "Disco Duck" or "Convoy").

To start you off, here are the top 25 as selected by your Patch editors (listed alphabetically and not necessarily in order of awfulness, and with some random comments from our staff thrown in on occasion). Clicking the song titles will direct you to YouTube videos, but do so at your own risk (trust me, seeing these cheesy clips, complete with way-off lip-synching, will not necessarily endear the songs to you; if humanly possible, some may make it even worse).

• "Alone Again (Naturally)" - Gilbert O'Sullivan ("should be on the list if for no other reason than his stupid name")
• "Carrie" - Europe
• "Ebony and Ivory" - Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
• "Feelings" - Morris Albert
• "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" - Milli Vanilli ("legit bad on many levels")
• "Hello" - Lionel Richie ("this one officially kicked him out of the Brick House")
• "A Horse With No Name" - America ("dumbest lyrics ever, you'd think being out in the desert all day, obviously not having a job, you'd have plenty of time to name the horse")
• "I Should Be So Lucky" - Kylie Minogue
• "In the Summertime" - Mungo Jerry ("with the curious lyrics, "Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find." Really? Likely a multi-car collision...")
• "Looks Like We Made It" - Barry Manilow ("Barry's bombastic borefest")
• "Lovin' You" - Minnie Riperton ("the headliner in the jukebox from hell")
• "MacArthur Park" - Richard Harris, then Donna Summer ("Who would leave a cake out in the rain? Way too long, and what does it mean, and then it gets discofied and hits No. 1? Ugh")
• "Muskrat Love" - Captain & Tennille
• "99 Luftballons" - Nena
• "Saturday Night" - Bay City Rollers
• "Seasons In the Sun" - Terry Jacks ("if Gilbert O'Sullivan doesn't have you slitting your wrists, Terry Jacks' deathbed-fest will")
• "The Stroke" - Billy Squier
• "Sussudio" - Phil Collins
• "Take My Breath Away" - Berlin
• "This One's For the Children" - New Kids On the Block
• "Vehicle" - Ides of March ("can you imagine this one, with its Tom Jonesy lead singer begging 'I'm your friendly stranger in a black sedan, won't you hop inside my car? I got pictures, got candy, I'm a lovable man, and I'll take you to the nearest star?' flying today?")
• "Wildfire" - Michael Martin Murphey ("another one from the wrong end of a horse")
• "You Light Up My Life" - Debby Boone ("No. 1 for 10 weeks in 1977, can it be any sappier?")
• "(You're) Having My Baby" - Paul Anka and Odia Coates
• "You're So Vain" - Carly Simon

(numberonesongs111 via YouTube)

(616Entertainment via YouTube)

Patch editors Chris Dehnel, Al Branch, Rich Kirby and Vinnie Salzo contributed to this column (yes, blame them).