It may not be what we say...

By Carol Dores

I remember when one of our sons was four years old, and said to me, “Mommy, please stop yelling at me!” It stopped me cold. I had not raised my voice. I said, “I’m not yelling.” His response, “Yes you are. Your face is angry and you sound mad!”

Kids are incredible at figuring out how we are feeling from a very early age. What are the cues that they look at?

· Tone of voice – How do we sound? Angry? Hurt? Happy?

· Facial expression – Is our forehead scrunched up? Eyebrows raised? Lips downturned or turned up? Eyes dark or sparkly and inviting?

· Body position – Are we leaning forward? Or relaxed?

· Shoulder position – Are they up near our ears? Or relaxed and down?

· Hands – Are they balled in to fists? Or relaxed and open?

A fun activity to do with children is to take pictures of them making faces of different emotions, like making a sad face or a happy one. You can then look at the pictures together, and talk about what makes them know that their face is sad or happy. It will help you and them better understand how we communicate.

As we strive to form better relationships with our children, one of the goals may be to yell less and stay calm more. Another goal may be to tell them what to do less, and ask them questions about what their ideas and plans are. As we are trying to do either of these, it is important to pay attention to our non-verbal communications.

Want to learn more about Positive Discipline and ways to stay calm and listen more? Visit www.positivedisciplinect.org.

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